That's a pretty long speechless, I'm not sure the Oilam can sit through it.

I recently have been pondering if I have ADD. I made it through high school on brains alone, but studying is torture for me along with many other things that I struggle with. It's impossible for me to follow shiur if I am not writing notes, I have tried countless times. Even listening to a shiur in an Ipod is incredibly hard also. I constantly go back on the track because my mind wanders all over. There are other things also. I spoke it over with my therapist and he said that he definitely heard the tzad and I should speak with my doctor about being prescribed a stimulant. I talked it over with my doctor and guess what? I have ADD. So I'm not crazy after all, (ok hold the comments). I am getting my medication soon.
This is a relief for me because I was always so hard on myself about studying, or the lack thereof. I always shamed myself that I should just put in more effort and study like everyone else. I honestly believe that if I studied through high school I would have aced everything. There were certain subjects that I didn't do well because I couldn't focus and it was very hard for me to study. I never thought that maybe it is harder for me then most people. It's incredibly validating to know that I'm not just a walking problem who is a lazy tuches who won't study. I shared it with a couple other SA members and apparently I'm not the only one. In fact I'm far from it. I spoke with 4 people and 3 of them have ADD or ADHD. My sponsor is on meds for ADHD. I am kinda rambling right now but I'm just grateful to have this clarity in my life and hopefully the medication will help. I am nervous about how it will affect me though but I am in god's hands.

Peace Out.

I don't hide it on this forum, but my lust is primarily for men. I b"h am at peace with that and I'm ok with it. However, one thing I do struggle with a lot is a feminine identity/mannerisms. I don't feel like a woman, not like a transgender thing, but I do have a pretty strong feminine identity. I am very sensitive, pretty flashy, I care how I look very much, among other things. I also have very feminine mannerisms, I was made fun of being gay in high school and honestly I completely understand where it was coming from. I am not trying to hide anything and I am being myself for the most part and that is just how it comes out. No pun intended. I struggle a lot with that because on one hand I want to be myself but on the other hand I kind of hate the feminine part of me. I just saw a video on an ex-gay website about a man who also struggled with it and he was actually giving a video explaining it. He seemed so at peace with himself about how he acts that it made me feel really good on the inside. I want what he has to some extent and I want to be confident with my personality and traits. What it comes down to is that I judge myself while reflecting and saying others are judging me. Whenever my mannerisms are even slightly confronted by another person I feel insecure about myself. But the problem starts and ends in my head. If I was at peace with myself than I wouldn't care what others think. I ask god to help me accept myself for who I am. I am not interested in being Mr. Super Buffman and I really just want serenity with how I am right now. I am also nervous about shidduchim that girls are going to think I'm gay and not want to date me. That is also a reflection of self-beliefs. 

Peace Out.

Shlomo24 wrote on 22 Feb 2016 08:44:

I'm no expert in this (or in anything for that matter) but this is what I think:

The feminist mannerism probably comes from  your body trying to impress guys and not your natural being, the sensitivity is not entirely feminist and the flashy and trying to look good part is you trying to impress men, so there is no ray'ah that you have feminist mannerisms.

And I believe that the last thing a girl you are dating is going to be thinking that your gay based on your manners.

Adrabah if you come up anything let us know.

POT (Peace OuT)

I know that you mean well Mesayin and I really appreciate your care but you are far from being correct. I know the psychological meanings of why I act the way I do. I harbor no resentment towards you at all but I almost laughed when I read the above post. I hope you don't take offense. Maybe I will explain later, not enough time right not. I have class in 4 minutes. I just want to feel better about myself, self-knowledge avails me nothing. I need actions to help me.

POt

I see we've graduated from Woodford to Weed 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 22 Feb 2016 21:32:

YOOOOOOOOOOOO DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, IT'S THE STUFF! 

Dont forget that there is nothing wrong with these feminine parts of your identity. Many people - men and women - would say that some men could use a little more feminine side to them. There is a huge difference between having a more feminine side and mannerism and lusting or acting out with men. So, i dont have the answers, but I do think that to some degree you can embrace that feminine side that might help you understand women better (and many of us can use some of that ) and to understand iy"h your daughters better, and be able to show a more gentle and vulnerable side to people. The world is too macho!!

realsimcha wrote on 22 Feb 2016 23:27:



Thank you for that sentiment. A lot of it I know to be true. I don't want to change myself, I just want to embrace myself and feel comfortable with who I am. In judaism in general there are a lot of things that are referred to in the feminine way, I know there is nothing wrong with that side of me. I think it's one of the reasons why I connect with chasidus is because of my feminine side. I have also acted out with men, but a limp wrist doesn't mean that, even if I have a little bit of a limp wrist. I know that I am not gay, I want to live with a woman as a husband and wife and I want to have kids and raise a biological family iy"h. I just get nervous and insecure about myself sometimes. 

I mentioned that I saw a video about this. It showed the guys name and I was able to reach out to him through LinkedIn, I am going to be speaking to him tomorrow iy"h. I am super nervous and excited to talk to him. One of the brachos of the internet is that it is so easy to connect to people who otherwise wouldn't be available for connecting. I'm very grateful to god for it.

Shlomo24 wrote on 22 Feb 2016 23:35:

What you are doing takes courage. Good for you! You should have much Hatzlacha! Keep us "post"ed!

Shlomo24 wrote on 22 Feb 2016 21:22:

Well I finally made someone almost laugh, I'm getting; there I'm getting; there

Mesayin wrote:

You just got there ;-)

markz wrote on 23 Feb 2016 20:40:

Lol. I second that. So you just got there twice

I spoke with the guy I mentioned above that I saw in a video. He told me something that I really connected to. He said that God embodies both the masculine and the feminine, there is nothing wrong with being effeminate or having feminine qualities, it's just another expression of God being flowed through me. I found that really special and positive, it gave a whole different spin on it and I think it helped me embrace those parts of me. He also said that he found certain parts of his life that are masculine and helped him feel confident in his masculinity, his example was that he is a spiritual father to others, (he's a minister or something). I applied that to my life in terms of limud torah, b"h I have a decent head and I enjoy limud torah, I find it stimulating. Limud torah, specifically gemara, is a classically masculine activity, (if others take offense at this I apologize, but this is my hashkafa). Learning torah is one of the ikkurim of being a frum man and I am pretty good at it! This was a realization for me because I previously thought that masculine activities were limited to handy work such as carpenting, electrical work and mechanics. My father is incredibly good with his hands and I was actively not interested in handy work. But now I know that my definition as a man does not have to be limited to that.

Peace Out. Have a good shabbos.

Warning: I will be mentioning sexual topics, while not graphic, it may be triggering. (Only the first paragraph though).

I had a session with my therapist today and I gleaned a couple pointers from him. First of all, we talked about graphic sexual subjects and I wasn't triggered, by the grace of god. In the very beginning I was getting a reaction and I prayed to God and I also realized that at that point we weren't even talking about sexual content, it was mainly emotional. Well, God took the obsession away for the time being and we had a really informative talk about sexuality and sex in general. I felt like an adult that I was able to talk about such a sensitive topic and I accepted what he said. The main issue is the shame I was giving myself from the last time I acted out, (which was with another person), and how just because it was a wrong thing to do, it doesn't mean that I have to shame myself for enjoying the experience, which was very pleasurable. It segwayed into talking about marital sex and sex with a woman, which was eye-opening for me and I rethought a lot of perceptions I had about sex with women.

We also talked about shidduchim. There is a girl who lives near me who I am very attracted to, not just in a sexual way. I see values in her that make her very attractive to me, such as tznius and spirituality. My therapist actually surprised me by saying that he wants me to pursue the shidduch, as long as it didn't interfere with SA. I felt very confident when he told me and when he explained why he thinks I am ready for shidduchim. I felt so good during and throughout the whole day today. Afterward, I spoke with my sponsor and we talked about dating. We both came to the conclusion that it would be chaval for me to date without at least starting my 4th Step. Also, I internalized the truth that God is my shadchan and I will get married to the right girl, (or guy. Just kidding ), at the right time and in God's eyes there is no such thing as delaying. So while it would be cool to date now, I will get married only at the time that is right for me anyways. My sponsor also said that he changed throughout program, which I did majorly also. So waiting isn't so bad after all, I'm only 20 anyways, even though I want to get married sooner than later.

Peace Out.