cordnoy wrote:


True that.

Tonight I was talking to someone and thinking about the number of different things going on in my life. Life is so busy and complicated, and there's so many wishes and hopes and dreams. I guess the promise is that if we do our best and leave the rest to Hashem things will work out, but at times it's overwhelmingly difficult.

I hope everyone had a meaningful Yom Kippur and we were all inscribed for a year of happiness, growth etc.

B"H my Yom Kippur was really meaningful to me. During Davening at some point in time I had a realization that despite years of work and effort, speaking to people (Rebbeim, a therapist etc.) there are things in my past I can't seem to be able to forgive myself for. As I was Davening I was thinking about the fact that Hashem forgives us, any people I impacted has forgiven me, and yet I cannot seem to forgive myself... It surprised me as I found myself thinking of things that I thought had long been processed and dealt with, but now I am not sure...

With it being Motzei Yom Kippur I guess I should have expected a tough night. Middle of the night and can't sleep. Thoughts started heading in the wrong direction so figured I'd stop by here. The challenges never really ease up, do they...

Hatzileini Na wrote:


A thorough step four helps with this.

cordnoy wrote:


Thanks. Will jump into the chapter on that tonight Bez"H.

Been reading and working with the exercise book I got for the 12 steps, and step 4 is brutal, but I know it's important.

Almost slipped just a few minutes ago. Yom Tov has thrown off my schedule a bit and I've been a bit lax. Have to regain the focus.

I think subconsciously many guys fulfill steps 1-3 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety, I'm speaking' at least for meself.

I think step 4 is taller than 1-3 combined, and it's toughhhhhh. I ain't there yet.

Good luck my friend, maybe Ill take my truck in for a tune up and will be followin yours shortly

markz wrote:


It has not been fun, but I am hoping to see benefits from it. I also need to reinforce the earlier ideas like step 1 since I've been finding myself getting comfortable "taking the first sip" and cognitively I know that that's playing with fire, but I've fallen a bit lax and need to reengage. Maybe a TaphSic shevuah for increased vigilance will do it. I know I have to be proactive.

markz wrote:


Just wait till I get back and I'll get your truck up with the mountin' hydraulic crane or a pneumatic tool lift and we will slap you into shape.

cordnoy wrote:


dms1234 wrote:


Cordnoy - can't wait for you to return, Seriously.

I'm saving you a job getting all that equipment together and I apologize sincerely. I reread the steps outline (I haven't begun the ספר הלבן yet) and on this forum what I wrote previously was כפירה ממש שחייבים על זדונה מלקות תשעים!!!

Here's the amended version
"I think subconsciously many guys fulfill the beginning of step 1 as soon as they join the website and try sobriety"

I slipped last night, and looked at some pictures that I shouldn't have on my phone. Not even sure how I was able to access them, and B"H it did not lead to M, but I want to make sure that it does not happen again. Honestly things have been incredibly miserable recently and long nights unable to sleep are definitely the thing that push me to the edge of slipping, both during the night and also the exhaustion and self-doubt that comes with it the next day(s). In my book if it does not lead to M I generally consider it a "slip" not a fall, though it definitely was not good.

I generally find that I go through ups and downs, times when the challenge is incredilby tough and times it is not, and I need to make sure that I overcome the present struggle.

For starters, a Siyug: I will not check my phone during the night unless there is a specific legitimate reason (which if it occurs I will Bez"H check here to see whether people believe it legit) until I am up for the day. If I do, it is $50. If I try to access inappropriate things, $100. If I do access inappropriate materials, $500. If it leads to M $1000.

What will I do if I am up late at night? I will have my Ipod with songs, books on tape and a room full of reading material. And I will pray. I will pray my heart out that Hashem sees my pain, because the sleep struggles are damaging every area of my life. (I also plan on seeing a sleep specialist ASAP, so there is Hishtadlus there as well.)

To those who sleep easily at night, please take a moment and recognize the Bracha. I've lived my life struggling to sleep just about every night, and it's one of the most debilitating things I've been blessed to deal with.

Hatzileini Na wrote:


Last night went ok B"H. The Siyug continues tonight. Phone will not be in my bedroom (I try to never have it there at night) and it is shut off. Bez"H I will sleep ok.

Started reading "God of Our Understanding" which offers a Jewish perspective on the 12 steps and how the ideas work within Yiddishkeit. Amongst other things, the book reminded me that living with Hashem provides a much more pleasant life. I was reminded of times and moments I had almost forgotten I ever had where I knew that things would be ok, even if they would not all go how I hoped, or would not always be fun, or easy.

The book has also helped me get a better feel and understanding of the 12 steps.

For now I've been working on 1-4. 4 has not been easy, but I think I am most scared of 5 right now.

Hatzileini Na wrote:


That is a GREAT book! It's actually what made me realize my netiah for chasidus funnily enough.

I fell. Was a combination of factors, but it's clear that when I get sick, I have to be more careful than in general. I had a streak of over 170 days going, but had been slipping towards being less careful.

Not sure whether I'll feel differently in the next few days, but right now I'm not too upset. I feel like I've definitely moved forward over the last few months and that is tied to something bigger than just fighting this, but rather a better outlook on life.

Have to spend some time figuring out what I need to tighten up on, and I know that the Yetzer will be offering up ideas like "once you slipped, you streak is over, you can start again tomorrow" but Bez"H I know that those voices will quiet.