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It's a new year, and it is time I started posting
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TOPIC: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 27300 Views

It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 22:48 #240430

I've been a member here for close to a year. I've used the 90 chart (initially I was able to print a calendar, which I kept hanging by my bed, though I can't seem to figure out how to do so anymore) and found that reading the posts helped me refocus when I started falling into lust.

For a long time I thought that I could benefit from the site without posting, but seeing as I have slipped a few times, it is time I started.

Over the last 10 months or so while utilizing the resources here I have noticed a number of things:

1. My primary issue with m is at night. I have had trouble sleeping most of my life and I often get into trouble late at night when I cannot sleep. For the most part it is not an issue of fantasizing, but of frustration and discomfort. Laying in bed unable to sleep is incredibly frustrating and I often feel pressure "below" (not sure if pressure is the right word, but some sort "itch" that wants to be scratched) which itself makes it more difficult to sleep. I have fallen 3 times in the last 10 months or so and each time it was this kind of situation.

2. Besides for fully falling, I often find myself distracted by pretty girls. Again not fantasizing about them, but simply wanting to sit there and look at them. I feel like dirt when I am sitting with people I am fairly close to and find myself wanting to just look at them. I have some theories on why I notice looks so much (as a kid it always seemed like the good looking people in school were more popular, were having a better time etc. and I think that as someone who often felt like an outsider, this connection is deeply rooted...)

3. While it has not been my primary issue, I know I should be doing more to keep myself safe on the internet. I have tried a number of filters for my laptop and smartphone, but have struggled (primarily with the phone) to find something that does not slow my phone or limit other functionality significantly. Since I know night is my primary struggle I keep my phone far from my room at night but I know that that is not enough.


After falling again this past Friday night (I would express shock that it's the day after Rosh Hashana, but I know that in my case, no matter how meaningful and uplifting Rosh Hashana or any other day is, when I get caught up, and when I have tried to sleep for hours and cannot fall asleep, it does not matter much). What I realized though was that if I was not willing to post, I was basically saying to Hashem (and myself) that I wanted to stop, but not enough that I was really willing to do much about it (beyond the personal private struggle etc.)

With this new year, Bez"H I'm going to build the courage to do what I need to do to set up myself up for success (and allow Hashem to do the rest.)

I know many have gotten past this stage and are not nervous posting but it has taken me a while to get here. So I'm going to take a deep breath now and just hit "submit" since I think if I start going back and proofreading and editing I might decide to just delete the post, so take it for what it is...

Note: If someone could show me how to print a new calendar I'd appreciate it. Having it as a reminder next to my bed was a help and I'd love to do so again.
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2014 22:49 by Hatzileini Na.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:10 #240431

  • Shlomo24
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hey bro, great first step man. takes a lot of courage to step out of the darkness. know that hashem doesn't give anyone a test that they cant pass. keep on fighting my man. take it day by day, dont focus on yesterday and tomorrow 2 much, also u gotta know that tefillah is the key and keep on davening to hashem, when he sees u take the firs step, he will reciprocate. i am talking from experience.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:15 #240432

  • dms1234
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WELCOME!!!!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean about falling to help sleeping. By any chance, do you have stress problems?

Check out: Skep's tips
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2014 23:15 by dms1234.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:20 #240433

  • skeptical
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Welcome to posting!

We're all in the same boat and we're looking forward to getting to know you!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 28 Sep 2014 23:30 #240435

  • Watson
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Welcome!

We're all in this together, Keep on posting!

It doesn't surprise me at all that you fell on Friday. I think there are more falls than normal davka at this time of year. I think for addicts we can feel so holy after yomim noraim that we lose sight of our powerlessness. I have no idea if that applies to you or not. Are you an addict? Are you sure?

I actually downloaded the 90 day chart when it was available on the website so I can email you a copy. Please message me with your email address and I'll send it to you.

Make sure to see the 12 suggestions on the First Time Here page.

Also, check out your Personal Home-page. It will guide you through each tool/task that we suggest, one by one, and help you track your progress in recovery.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:00 #240443

  • cordnoy
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Welcome aboard!
good move to post your story, or some of it at least.
It's a kind of exhalin' factor that you actually got some of it out.
take your time feelin' your way around here; although I guess you did some of that already.
we all have different triggers or stressers, but we are in the same predicament of sorts.

b'hatzlachah on your journey.

Make sure your next post doesn't take as much time as it took to convince yourself with the first post.

the chevra here is a gamechanger!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:03 #240444

  • dd
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WELCOME ABOARD!!!

Yes that was a great step in the right direction. May this one lead to many many more.

We are all looking forward to seeing you around and hearing from you.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK and KOMT!!!!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 00:30 #240449

Thanks to everyone for the welcome.

dms1234 wrote:
WELCOME!!!!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean about falling to help sleeping. By any chance, do you have stress problems?

Check out: Skep's tips


I do struggle handling stress, although my sleep issues seem to extend beyond stress (although I don't know that for sure). I've had trouble sleeping since I was a young child. That said, I know that stress is unhealthy and exacerbates all sorts of issues.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 01:53 #240461

  • dms1234
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Work on stress. Do you frequent the computer much before bed? Maybe try a hot tea or a shower? Read before bed. Maybe go see a doctor?
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 29 Sep 2014 12:31 #240479

  • unanumun
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Hatzileini Na wrote:


1. My primary issue with m is at night. I have had trouble sleeping most of my life and I often get into trouble late at night when I cannot sleep. For the most part it is not an issue of fantasizing, but of frustration and discomfort. Laying in bed unable to sleep is incredibly frustrating and I often feel pressure "below" (not sure if pressure is the right word, but some sort "itch" that wants to be scratched) which itself makes it more difficult to sleep. I have fallen 3 times in the last 10 months or so and each time it was this kind of situation.

2. Besides for fully falling, I often find myself distracted by pretty girls. Again not fantasizing about them, but simply wanting to sit there and look at them. I feel like dirt when I am sitting with people I am fairly close to and find myself wanting to just look at them. I have some theories on why I notice looks so much (as a kid it always seemed like the good looking people in school were more popular, were having a better time etc. and I think that as someone who often felt like an outsider, this connection is deeply rooted...)

3. While it has not been my primary issue, I know I should be doing more to keep myself safe on the internet. I have tried a number of filters for my laptop and smartphone, but have struggled (primarily with the phone) to find something that does not slow my phone or limit other functionality significantly. Since I know night is my primary struggle I keep my phone far from my room at night but I know that that is not enough.



1. As other guys said perhaps try to find a real solution to the sleeping thing. There are alot of good advice to sleeping all over the internet (I guess that will depend on how strong your filter is)
Perhaps find a routine to unwind while still out of bed with a book or music, and only go to your bed when you are really tired enough to fall asleep. Get alot of good books. there are alot of good short story books available in the sefarim stores, also there are many gemachim with an unlimited number of books to borrow. Books have really helped me relax and unwind before falling asleep while not having my mind just wander aimlessly.

2. I am not sure there is something wrong with you that you want to look at pretty girls. I remember a rebbe of mine when i was in high school talking about why we shouldn't be going mixed swimming. One statement sticks out in my memory "If you can be in such a place and not want to look you are either sick or dead"
Your many theories might only be good excuses to keep looking. forget the excuses threories and start training yourself slowly and one day at a time, to not look.
Most of the guys here have the same issue, hence the name Guard Your EYES

3. A tip that I have used for a long time was to not have browser access on my phone. I had an app that locked the browser and my wife had the code. I originally thought that it would be difficult but really there was nothing that I needed to do specifically on the internet that couldn't wait till i got to my computer. I made a special folder in my email for emails that have to be dealt with on the computer. It is very refreshing and in a certain sense lends to more efficiancy since those things that were require internet are accomplished faster on the computer than on the phone.

To sum up everything, Welcome and KOT!!!!

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 08:55 #240547

Good advice the last one!

Regarding the issue of the filter, if you are not married, get help on your father, or your Rabbi if you feel ashamed.

keep on going!

For Your lap top, try Net Nanny, you will pay some 30 us, but is a little better than K9, if you want set up the white list only, but the white list only limits functionality of many programs as the antivirus.

If you have an Android phone use "APP Lock" and block your browsers outside K9, also block Youtube, if you do not need block social networks such as twitter, facebook, and any other app with free internet access. and finally block playstore because if you have free access to playsore then you in some time will install a browser or other bad app.

By the way you can also add Avast mobile Scurity! this app just block 2 apps, bu set up it to avoid unistall App Lock,

You must not have the password other wise you will fall again...
Last Edit: 30 Sep 2014 09:07 by UnJovenConfundido.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 09:59 #240549

  • lavi
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UnJovenConfundido wrote:
Good advice the last one!

Regarding the issue of the filter, if you are not married, get help on your father, or your Rabbi if you feel ashamed.

keep on going!

For Your lap top, try Net Nanny, you will pay some 30 us, but is a little better than K9, if you want set up the white list only, but the white list only limits functionality of many programs as the antivirus.

If you have an Android phone use "APP Lock" and block your browsers outside K9, also block Youtube, if you do not need block social networks such as twitter, facebook, and any other app with free internet access. and finally block playstore because if you have free access to playsore then you in some time will install a browser or other bad app.

By the way you can also add Avast mobile Scurity! this app just block 2 apps, bu set up it to avoid unistall App Lock,

You must not have the password other wise you will fall again...



dear ujc (i hope thats enough, because you picked a jumbo jet size username)

it seems that you are a really big fan of filters. and you are right. filters play a very important role in the big picture. i just want to let you know that others say, that one has to add to this, something else.
i am referring to getting to the root of the problem, about why one is turning to lust.
is it some deep buried resentment or hurt, that is taking lust as a numbing pill?
it is painful to dig into ourselves, but maybe worthwhile.
i found that if one just used filters to help himself, sooner or later he will find some kind of device or trick to let out his pain.
i love you all

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 30 Sep 2014 22:35 #240572

  • Shlomo24
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lavi wrote:
Good advice the last one!
i just want to let you know that others say, that one has to add to this, something else.
i am referring to getting to the root of the problem, about why one is turning to lust.
is it some deep buried resentment or hurt, that is taking lust as a numbing pill?
it is painful to dig into ourselves, but maybe worthwhile.
i found that if one just used filters to help himself, sooner or later he will find some kind of device or trick to let out his pain.


lavi is exactly right. usually ppl submit themselves to porn to soothe other stresses, has there been something that is bothering you that you feel you can not deal with? i know for me i had issues like that. don't expect to know right away though, it may take a lot of thought about this, maybe even speak it over with someone you trust because a lot of times having another person there can help.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com
Last Edit: 30 Sep 2014 22:36 by Shlomo24.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 05:02 #240607

unanumun wrote:


1. As other guys said perhaps try to find a real solution to the sleeping thing. There are alot of good advice to sleeping all over the internet (I guess that will depend on how strong your filter is)
Perhaps find a routine to unwind while still out of bed with a book or music, and only go to your bed when you are really tired enough to fall asleep. Get alot of good books. there are alot of good short story books available in the sefarim stores, also there are many gemachim with an unlimited number of books to borrow. Books have really helped me relax and unwind before falling asleep while not having my mind just wander aimlessly.

2. I am not sure there is something wrong with you that you want to look at pretty girls. I remember a rebbe of mine when i was in high school talking about why we shouldn't be going mixed swimming. One statement sticks out in my memory "If you can be in such a place and not want to look you are either sick or dead"
Your many theories might only be good excuses to keep looking. forget the excuses threories and start training yourself slowly and one day at a time, to not look.
Most of the guys here have the same issue, hence the name Guard Your EYES

3. A tip that I have used for a long time was to not have browser access on my phone. I had an app that locked the browser and my wife had the code. I originally thought that it would be difficult but really there was nothing that I needed to do specifically on the internet that couldn't wait till i got to my computer. I made a special folder in my email for emails that have to be dealt with on the computer. It is very refreshing and in a certain sense lends to more efficiancy since those things that were require internet are accomplished faster on the computer than on the phone.

To sum up everything, Welcome and KOT!!!!


This reply is to everyone. It's been a rough couple of days. Not in the Shemiras Einayim realm but emotionally. I don't know if it's been the realization that things need to change or spending time thinking about my situation but it was killer getting out of bed this morning. (A couple of really rough nights sleeping the past couple of nights definitely have not made it easier.)

My post is in response to everyone but unanunum you covered a number of points so I figured I'd direct the response there:

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and support.

1. The sleep issue has been a real struggle; one I've dealt with since I was a young child. I've gone to sleep clinics, been prescribed a variety of medications, tried herbal supplements etc. without any results. I've tried hypnosis and meditation and again, no help. I've tried (on doctor's recommendations) forcing myself to get up early and not sleep during the day. I've tried winding down from early in the evening so I am relaxed. I've tried music and reading and learning and nothing seems to work. I don't know whether the issue relates to stress or not because it seems to have been a constant in my life regardless of anything else going on and it began as a relatively young child (I can remember at just a few years old laying in bed for a really long time...) If I'm nervous, I can't sleep. If I'm happy I can't sleep. If I'm feeling content I can't sleep. I have had so many nights where I lay in bed four hours, many nights where I've stayed awake past when the birds started chirping and the sun peeked over the horizon. It made Yeshiva incredibly challenging, has been an issue on dates (I'm in Shidduchim) and basically affects all areas of my life. (It's tough to look back at what I've typed because for years I had many people around me who gave me a really hard time for missing Shacharis, falling asleep in Yeshiva etc. and now for the most part I just deal with it, but it certainly brings back some difficult memories.)

2. Regarding looking at people, I'm definitely not looking for excuses and know, and work on not looking. Ultimately at the end of the day the reason does not matter when it comes to what needs to be done, although as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand what makes me tick so that I can improve, I do wonder. I do think a huge component is tied to what a number of people have posted about lust and self-soothing and happiness. I feel like because I often have a hard time, things that seem like they can provide happiness/pleasure etc. become intoxicating and maybe somewhat of an obsession if that makes sense.

3. I have an iPhone. I would love a solution that does is less limiting but it's definitely something to think about.

Re: It's a new year, and it is time I started posting 01 Oct 2014 05:11 #240608

Shlomo24 wrote:


lavi is exactly right. usually ppl submit themselves to porn to soothe other stresses, has there been something that is bothering you that you feel you can not deal with? i know for me i had issues like that. don't expect to know right away though, it may take a lot of thought about this, maybe even speak it over with someone you trust because a lot of times having another person there can help.


Shlomo, for better for worse I am well aware of things that bother me. The confluence of many factors from different areas of my life has made me always feel like an outsider and different. In many areas of life I'm an outlier, often positively so, but always in a way that makes me feel different. And in the Frum community where conformity is (whether explicitly or implicitly) encouraged, and certain forms of personal exploration and development are not encouraged, standing out rarely felt good, even if it was for something positive.
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