Day 36: I realized something important. It wasnt fun to realize but if I dont do something about it I am not going to make it. And here it is: My whole identity cant be what I am not. 36 days of not acting out. That is not an identity. I feel tired and lethargic these days and I spend more time roaming with my computer than I should. I am not full of energy. Now, maybe its withdrawl etc etc. Who cares? the bottom line is that I need to get a life and not just float. I do have a job. But its the type of job that I can excel in or I can limp along. And some days I just limp aling and i tell myself "at least I am clean". And theres truth to that. becasue every day clean is an accomplishment. but i just dont think it will remain this way if i continue to slug along without doing ... being. So I am making a kabala bli neder to get busy! to fill my time in an intelligent way so that I can go to sleep at night with a sense of who i am and i think that being clean and also having things that i live for will help ensure that i am not back to old habits before i turn around. This is a new lease on life and i dont want to ruin it. I am really desperate not to ever feel that horrible taste of "WHY THE H DID I DO THAT???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

realsimcha wrote on 15 Mar 2016 14:53:


I so relate to this. Not acting out takes so much energy when that's the focus and I too realized that it wasn't inspiring or uplifting but just tiring, and that I had to, well, get a life! I even realized the same thing about my marriage- I've been focused on it for quite a while and I've used how I'm doing there to gauge my success as a person and suddenly o realized- my marriage is part of me, but it is not ME. I am me, and for me, I gotta figure out how to live with meaning and focus.

Which is really what the twelve steps are about- not about focusing on not acting out, but on living a sane spiritual life. Not pushing them per se but just pointing out that they specifically address the same point you're making.

Doc or Cordnoy can tell you a lot about this, but shkoyach for your recognition, and hatzlacha!

realsimcha wrote on 15 Mar 2016 14:53:

Many times people can be sober only in the physical sense, but not have true serenity. I find that doing spiritual acts, (not to be confused with religious acts, although many religious acts can be spiritual), helps give me that serenity and peacefulness. My identity isn't about not acting out, it's more closely tied to staying spiritual, in which god will help me love life.

Keep it up realsimcha!

As written in the GYE handbook it is indeed important to keep yourself busy.

I can relate, it's important to add fire to out lives, yet it's so hard to find anything of interest, I would think to myself "What could be more fun than watching a movie...?"

It takes a lot of soul searching to find out what we really like to do in spare time, perhaps volunteer for a chesed organization.

Chazak V'emutz

Tired and anxious. Wish me hatzlacha please. I have to stay clean.

Hatzlacha my dear friend.
Remember what they say, There is no tired and anxious that acting out cannot make worse. Call a friend and share your HALT and RID. You will feel much better.
You can call me if you wish. Just email me to pischoshelmachat@gmail.com and we could arrange to speak anonymously.

Tired
I wish you Hatzlacha on your nap
Anxious
Can you express a little more

Stay strong friend.

25 pushups 

Yesod wrote on 16 Mar 2016 13:55:

Dead if I do, dead if I don't.

37 days: Doing much better. It really made a difference to be able to write that one line and know that there are friends "listening." Day is going well. trying to stick to accomplishing and not letting myself get "shleppy." I find that as soon as I feel any sense of failure or even just feeling overwhelmed, I start getting tense and in the past it was a perfect storm to cause me to act out. I am grateful to Hashem that the tools that I have been using, some on this site and some "off site" have been working. I pray that it continues. It is a different world to be able to look people in the eye and not feel like i am lying to them or being a hypocrite. It is so refreshing not to have that paranoia that people are reading my mind [dont ask ... I'm crazy :) ] and know what I have been up to. It is so amazing to be able to connect with my wife without feeling like I have betrayed her in any way. Please Hashem please continue granting me the serenity to continue living this amazing life [which sometime [b]feels[/b] great and sometimes doesnt but compared to that horror - it always is] - one day at a time. The day I forget to notice is the beginning of the end. 

Realsimcha wrote: It is so refreshing not to have that paranoia that people are reading my mind [dont ask ... I'm crazy :) ]     (Sorry the quote button didn't work)


As Rabbi A.J. Twersky wrote:

Don't worry that people think about you, they are not thinking about you, they are too busy trying to figure out what you think about them.

Mesayin wrote on 16 Mar 2016 19:50:

Ha!

I used to say something along those lines with the teens i worked with.

"people are too caught up with how they look to care about how you look, and the people that don't care how they look, don't care how you look either"

Day 38: So i've been thinking about HALT. Why? Because I am so tired that I might fall asleep writing thi.................................................. uh uh uh sorry about that dozed off for a second. T = tired. Many have posted here - and I have experienced this many many times, that exhaustion can lead a person to act out. I am just thinking out loud: Why? So I am tired. So what? Why would I act out? And i think that the pashut pshat is that when a person is tired they are not thinking clearly and there is more of a possibility of various rationalizations coming into play etc etc. And that's a good pshat. But its not the pshat for me. In my case there is another cause of acting out when I am tired. two causes in fact. The first is that being tired makes me feel overwhelmed and sometimes even like a failure. I start getting anxious and worried that I simply do not have the strength to do this or that. It is these feelings that get me to throw in the towel. Also, when I am tired I dont have the strength to do what Yesod and I have been working on which is being productive and getting things done. That leaves me by the computer, without what to do specifically. Bad idea. Have a great successful day!

Day 39: Hard night last night. Still clean thanks to Hashem. I noticed that I have two modes. I have the mode of - let's say - right after a fall. Then, I am horrified about what I have done. I am repulsed by it all. i have absolutely no taiva. In fact, on those days - and some of the past 39 days were like that - I can't imagine why I would mess up. I feel so clear about being clean that the concept of falling seems weird. I feel that I can do it forever. I can't imagine that I will ever fall again. Then, slowly, my mindset changes. And even while I am still clean I suddenly "understand" why to mess up. Suddenly, the taiva is obvious and that's when I enter the tug-a-war stage. I think thats what some people here call "white knuckling." Now, here's the hard part: There is absolutely no way for me to know or predict which mindset I will be on tom. And I know that I can only last so long on the second. I have found over the past 39 days of using several new tools including posting on GYE that something has been happening that has never before happened in my life. Let me explain. It used to be that once the initial "glow" wore off and I once again started to "understand" the pull, there was no turning back. It not got better after that. Until now. More than once over the past few weeks I would hit a spot where I feel the pull again. But after a few hours, a post, or a good nights sleep I was able to bounce back. I am grateful to Hashem for this important step.

Yes we have all been there. 
It used to be, that once the initial motivation wore off, it was just a matter of how long it would take to fall,  but the fall would happen. 

Now suddenly there is a possibility of actually regaining a measure of focus,  clarity and drive.

Well put