realsimcha wrote on 01 Mar 2016 04:04:

Been there.. don't think i mamash spent a long time sifting through it, but i do get what ur saying re the newspapers  and looking for them there... i looked for the personals ads... yeah- its a pretty low feeling...

Day 30: In a way I feel like celebrating. YAY!!!!!!!!!! 30 DAys!!!!!!!!!!!!!  On the other hand I feel overwhelmed. Last night "the feeling" to act out hit me. It hit hard. I was ok. But I was saying to myself: 30 Days and nothing has changed. And its true. Nothing has changed. I have to remain vigilant. I am proud of the last month - with the help of GYE and all of you. But I am also determined to go to sleep tonight clean. So........its really a more careful celebration. Caution. ODAAT. Dont call yourself "healed".

I'm clapping for you!!!!!!!!


Dont obsess on the "HEALed" - forget about it

If we work on ODAAT, When we go head over HEEL after 120, we're not gonna be headed to HELL

Stay in your truck and you're safe!

Great job. 

Do you know why you had a tough time last night? 
 

Yesod wrote on 09 Mar 2016 21:44:

I do and it was an ongoing situation that is not in my control so I will have to let go and stop trying to control it was painful as it is. I will explain more in my next post. Thanks for being there and I hope you are doing a little better. I am davening for you.

Day 31: It came really close last night. There almost was no day 31. I am really going through something tough. As I have explained before my wife is going through some really difficult stuff that is affecting her physically and emotionally. Last night she told me that - as illogical as it is - she blames me for it and she feels unable to connect with me emotionally. Now you have to understand. I am vary emotionally needy. I have thrived through the decades [yes, decades] of our marriage because of the deep emotional kesher that we shared. I dont know how to function without that. I am devastated. She said last night thatshe doesnt know if our marriage will ever be the same. You cant imagine how hard it was to hear that. It was all I could do not to completely blow up. I really felt like throwing in the towel. My whole emotional life is destabilized. I dont know how to function this way. I dont know how to stay present for my kids for my job etc etc when I feel like I am in free fall emotionally. Somehow by the grace of god as they say, I mamged to distract myself watching some stupid but not shmutzy videos until I fell asleep. 

Truth is, that I have know idea if she will touch base with me later today and say she is doing better and sorry for what she put me through. Or if she will keep this up for days or months or ... forever. On the one hand I want to go down to her work and scream yell plead and cry until she "takes me back" emotionally. But I dont think there is a good chance of that working. She really needs to work this through herself. Somewhere deep in her heart she knows that noone loves her or cares for her as I do. But thats not what she is feeling now. 

So what to do? I'll tell you what I think I have to do. But I dont know if I can. I need to remain compassionate to her pain but I also need to give her her space and to focus on my things. my work my growth etc. And I need to throw myself into my things in a way that I wont spend the immediate future wallowing in misery. Because I wont survive another day like this. I will fall for sure. I dont know if I have the emotional strength to do it. Things were hard enough to begin with. But if I dont throw myself into this, I dont see any other path to staying clean. So ... here goes ....

cordnoy wrote on 09 Mar 2016 00:59:

hmmm I thought you meant a whatsapp group that I would do it as part of a group. you meant stam making lists? you think i dont do lists? I have so many lists that my lists have lists. This is not about being organized. Its about having the emotional and sometimes physical strength to actually do whats on the lists. Cords, really. You thought i couldnt think of making a list?!

Real Simcha, with a name like yours I would've thought you have great Shalom Bayis.

I'm really sorry to hear it's not doing so great

And positive communication is crucial in any relationship and for sure in marriage! You may appreciate this post

Does she need help? If she's not interested, this link here may be enlightening

Keep on Trucking on the dirt roads, you'll be on the Highway soon

realsimcha wrote on 10 Mar 2016 13:28:

Wow, Real Simcha. That's rough and I truly feel for you. I can relate somewhat as I experienced a fallout in our relationship only a mere year and a half after we got married. 3 weeks after my daughter was born my wife had a seizure and has had to be on anti-seizure medication since. Between the trauma of the experience and the effects of the medication our relationship deteriorated and it manifested itself in many ways, including in my wife's increasing use of sharp language towards me and in a complete breakdown of our sexual relationship. It wasn't easy for a very long time, though at the time I wasn't quite struggling with acting out (though I was lusting plenty without realizing). Over time we slowly began picking up the pieces and rebuilding our relationship and B"H we've seen a lot of progress, especially since I joined this holy site. As far as intimacy is concerned we still have ways to go but it is improving. 

My reflection on this whole thing is as follows:
When we first get married our relationship tends to flow naturally. Hashem has made a magical chemistry between man and woman when they marry, and as long as we do our best to maintain it it should run smoothly. But when we experience a fallout and then we work hard to rebuild it the relationship truly becomes "ours". There's a unique satisfaction one can have when they feel like they built something, and I think now I cherish my relationship with my more than I ever did. 
This is really no different than the story of our lives in general. Hashem starts each person off with certain "givens". I, for example, B"H don't struggle with anger. My parents and wife will sometimes complement me for the fact that I never get angry. But the truth is, I don't take any credit for it. Hashem made me with a more patient personality and this is not something I struggled with. But if I can conquer my YH for lust then I will truly feel satisfied that I "built" something. 

So what I want to say to you is - go tackle this nisayon and "own" your relationship. As hard as it may be, I believe you'll have tremendous satisfaction when you overcome this. It may take time, sometimes years, but if you're resolved to see this through I'm sure you'll find success in the end. 
Hatzlacha! 

Hi RS,
I feel your pain and fear of this freefall emotional crisis. But you must know in your heart that true love and care cannot be evaporated by a period of time where your wife is hurting emotionally. Sure she said things that are hurtful but do you really think that is what she feels deep in her heart or is it just an expression of her current pain.
May HKB"H carry you through this crisis and may you soon see the light and feel the warmth at the end of the tunnel!

Hi RealSimcha,

I am sorry to hear about the stress you have been going through.  You sound like you have a deep emotional connection with your wife,  and that you feel it is in jeopardy. That's rough. 

hope to hear good news and positive developments soon

Wow wow wow realsimcha!

You are in a situation like yosef hatzadik, after staying religious and b'kdusha for so long he gets rewarded by being thrown into jail, he could have snapped right there but he kept on trucking a became "yosef hatzadik".

You have been through 31 days and you get this big blow and you are still staying strong, so KOT and you will become a yosef hatzadik.

I'm not married yet but you have taught me an early lesson, that the relationship with my future wife is going to crucial and that I shouldn't in the slightest take it lightly.

Chazak V'emutz

It is incredible how much chizuk all of you have given me on one of the hardest days of my life. Markz, BTBH, Pischo, Yesod & Misayin: I feel your caring through my laptop. Yesod you are right that i am used to havign the best marriage. fairy tale. well.... almost. There were tough times but nothing like how awesome and sustaining the good times were. Today we had a long emotional conversation. I put all my kochos into it. In the end, the response I got was "I do feel a little less angry now. thanks for talking." I hope you understand when i tell you that I was devestated. A little less angry? I put my entire neshama into this. And without getting into detail, trust me, i only acted as a ben torah should. There is really nothing to be angry about except that she is going through a super super hard time. I feel her pain. I try to be there for her but when i am the one getting attacked its hard. Sometimes i get upset. say things i shouldnt. its just so painful. But all of your ha'aros and comments were on the money and made a big difference . so thanks for being there. 

Gonna get them flowers tomorrow? 

My apologies on the list posts before.
One day, I will explain, but right now, not important.
I am sorry to hear what you are going thru. As someone who prides himself on the emotional connection, it must be extremely painful. I'm glad you're communicating with her and it's great that the oilam better is giving you chizuk.

Two questions, and you don't have to answer any.
1 have you mentioned on the thread what her struggle is and why she blames you and why she doesn't feel the emotional connection, and did this just happen it was it for longer? (That was one)
2 does she know about your struggles?

B'hatzlachah