Did you know that brachot and parts of tefila complain to Hashem?

First, "Asher Yatzar" complained to Hashem.  "Do you see what these Jews are doing right before they say me?  It's gross!  How about a little respect?"

Hashem said "No problem!  My Jews are going to say you under the chupah!  (Asher Yatzar es ha Adam b'tzalmo...)

Then, "Aleinu" complained to Hashem.  "These Jews mutter me at a rapid pace while folding up a tallit!  They have one foot out the door before they even finish saying me!  How about a little respect?"

Hashem said "No problem!  I'm going to put you right in the middle of Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur prayers!  They'll get down on their hands and knees to say you!"

Later on, "Tachanun" complained to Hashem.  "Hashem!  Your Chassidim never say me!  This rebbe's yahrtzeit, that rebbe's yahrtzeit!  How about a little respect?"

Hashem said "Tachanun, you have been suffering now for two hundred years of Chassidus.  The time has come.  I am making a new holiday.

It's called Yom Ha Atzmaut.  They will FOR SURE say you on that day!"    ;D ;D ;D

The same as above a little bit different.

R' Meir Shapira was once on a train when the chiloni who sat opposite him, a MP, started to make fun of him. R' Meir answered him that 3 complained to hashem that they were wronged Oleini, the stick and the mamzer. Oleini complained as above and was answered. The stick complained that he was the punishment for kids and it’s so unfair, Hashem answered you will be the companion of the elder and the rabbis so everyone will respect you.

Then the mamzer complained that it was not his fault how he was conceived and why should he suffer so Hashem put him in the parliament...

A milsa b'dichasa, ligabey inyana d'yoima.

One cratzmech, as all the goyim filed into church for services, there was a santa in full gear standing near the door. In his hands was a large hat which said CHARITY on it in large letters.
6 feet away from him on the other side of the door, was a chossid in full gear, who likewise a hat in his hands which said CHARITY on it.
On by one, the goyim would get to the door, look at the chossid in amazement, and drop money into the santa's hat.
Finally one man approached the chossid and explained to him gently "Sir, I respect you and your religion, but in all honesty I must tell you, if your looking for people to give you charity - this is definitely not the place!"
The chossid chuckled, turned to the santa and said "Shmeel!! Herst? Ehr zoogt far enz vee zoy tsee machin buisness!!" (Shmeel, do you hear? This guy is telling US how to do business!!)

Wow!

Wewh!

Finaly! Here it is!

I was digging & digging & digging & after removing 11 months of dust i finally found this page buried deep down here.

Reb Bards, Give me a hand & help me lift it up into the lime lite.

we need some Simcha in Beis Medrish lets see what we can do.

A Holy Breslover Na Nach jumped off the roof & left a letter saying the following.

I didn't jump, out of depression!

I just wanted to prove a point that "Ein Shum Yiyush B'Oilom Klal!" THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY OUT!

Hey Efshar how have you been?

Not sure why you wasted post 770 on a breslov joke. Lubabitch would have been more appropriate.

Reb Me3,


I hear your Clerr, you have a shpits there, but Efshar Letaken!

Because L'Choire after I post again most People wont have a clue what your talking about since the # changes Memieloh. But, Who ever thought?!

But then again we can Farentfer what your Hava Eminoh was that you were basing it on the fact that I haven't been posting for  while so you had a Clerr that I would keep it up or down unn Memeileh its Gur Nit Shver.

But if we are already talking about 770, lets me tell you a story that happened there not long ago.

It was a day like to today Thursday morning I was in the Crown Heights area and stopped in for Shacharis.

When it came to Krias Hatora Guess who they called up for Shlishi? yup! you got that right the Rebbe!

So I walked up to the Gabbeh and said wow! that's amazing but let try something even better.

Why not call him up for Hagbah?

I'm still recovering! The doctors say that I should be able to walk again soon.

A guy in rural Ohio, (unfortunately not-yet-frum) wanted that his newborn son should at least have a minimal connection to Judaism. At the very least he should have a Bris Milah. Since there weren't any Mohalim around, (not that he would recognize one of there were!) He asked a jewish urologist to prepare the procedure but he felt that the actual ceremony should be performed by a Man-of-Faith. He requisitioned the local Priest to make the circumcision.

Years later, this child became a baal teshuva & his father, in the course of a conversation, related the story of his Bris. The youngster, (by was now an adult) was mortified! He immediately called his Rav for counsel on how to proceed.

Speaking to his Rav, he noted that the he now recognizes that he was always influenced by that episode. Every night, as he recites the Kriyas Shma al Hamitah, he can't get the words out of his mouth correctly. He stumbles on his words. He always finds himself saying: "Hagalach Hamohel ossi".    ;D

(Emo Philips)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

Very funny!

.

the.guard wrote:


I knew I saw this on GYE somewhere else (for this is the only place on the internet I frequent, so it must have been here).

Yosef Hatzadik wrote:


This gotta be a classic!

cordnoy wrote:

Who knew it would be so appropriate here?

jerusalemsexaddict wrote: