HI FWF , i would like to share a different perspective...

there's a saying "the problem is not the problem, its the solution to a different problem" 

while you're focusing on finding remedies to your so called problem you are in , which is the desire of wanting a physical girl... perhaps that's something you think would be a solution to some other subconscious problem you have in life??

I would say that you are lacking LOVE and perhaps your love language is TOUCH... and you decided that being with a girl would fulfill that need... and now you are focusing and working on this struggle or so called problem... 

i would say stop focusing for a moment on this girl struggle and start improving other areas of your life i PROMISE that your "girl issue" will melt down drastically.

(for a better understating , you can try to read the book  "Teshuvah Through Recovery" from Rabbi Twerski Z"L.)

maybe try to ask your mother or father that you would like to take a walk with them daily and do something else with them or other people you love that you enjoy and build your love tank... 

now, this is not  quickfix...  you have trained your brain that a girl will make you feel better and undoing that will take time... but take on a 90 challenge of doing something to fill up your love tank... learning Torah works well for some people... 

this is just on a finger tip... i hope you find this helpful … 

let me know after you do something you love daily for 90 days... 

FYI these therapists wont tell you this information because they be out of business very soon... instead to make you go deeper in your pit...  

Pure123 wrote on 06 Apr 2021 19:02:

B"H, no, love is not what I'm lacking in my life. I have the greatest parents in the world, terrific, loving grandparents, terrific siblings, and excellent Rebbeim, (and a really caring therapist). Lack of love is not the issue, B"H.

Very, VERY bad news.
I fell no less than five times today.
FIVE!
Even worse news, I have figured out how to access yet another device, one which I have access to all the time when home.
So, I am committing right here and now to asking my mother tomorrow to change the passcode on her user (the only way I can access the porn) to one that I don't know, and that way I will at least block what has become the easiest route to hell.
I will come back. I will be stronger.
Signing off for tonight,
Fighter with Fire

It's not the same... I have a loving family too but there are certain needs that can only be met when you are with a girl...

My advice would be to not beat yourself up over this, even if you do end up falling from time to time (though obviously it would be better not to fall). In my humble opinion the fact that you are 20 years old and are wanting to be with a girl means that you are normal. I agree with Pure123, try doing something that you love... what kind of Torah do you enjoy learning the most?

glad to hear that you wonderful loving people in your life,
but that still doesn't mean that you are actually receiving the love you need... 
the point is not if you having loving parents or terrific siblings... the point is if you are receiving the love you need constantly... 

I promise that if you would be receiving your loving and emotional needs, then you would not be so desperate for this girl...

sometime you need to give yourself those needs as well... its not always something someone can provide..


can anyone here help with a better explanation on this?

Pure123 wrote on 08 Apr 2021 00:17:

Really sad, I had a nice long post written up and it got deleted when the site stopped working  . I don't have the energy to write it all over again, maybe soon. 

Pure123 wrote on 08 Apr 2021 00:17:

I agree with you personally but how can those needs be met if one is not married? Sometimes reading these pages I think to myself maybe the problem is really a shidduch crisis, not a sex addiction crisis...

Okay, here is the short version.

Basically, happiness is what drives us, we all want to be happy. Most experts agree that happiness comes from pursuing and achieving your goals, i.e. happiness comes from feeling accomplished. There is another step and that is that the more selfish the goal is that we accomplish, the more superficial and shallow will be the happiness it brings. The more selfless and giving, the more powerful it will be. 

Sometimes we desire and feel the need to give, to express ourselves, to love and be loved. It can very well be just an urge for happiness, one that can be curbed if we channel our desire to giving and sacrificing for others.

I understand that feeling loved may be an emotional need, and we can desire to feel loved by parents, peers, or a woman in our life. The desire is real, but I think the root of it is the desire to feel whole, to fill that hole inside with something real and fulfilling. Feeling loved and cared for may be important, but filling the hole is something that only we can do for ourselves. Striving for selfless goals and accomplishing them fills that hole in a healthy and sustaining way.

It's interesting that everyone asks the same question; what is the secret to happiness. Let me share some of the answers that can be found.

1. Spiritual pursuits (Rav Dessler and others) as explained by Rabbi Twerski to mean things that are uniquely human and elevate us over animals like kindness, care, compassion, love, etc. He calls this "The human spirit."
2. Closeness to Hashem "ki zehu hta'anug ha'amiti." (Ramchal, in Mesilas Yesharim)
3. Long term meaningful relationships (Which can be had with Hashem also). (Harvard study)

The common theme is that they are all about giving up from oneself for someone or something else. Relationships are about sacrifice, growing closer to Hashem is about sacrifice and spiritual pursuits take sacrifice.

Essentially, the desire to be with a woman can just be the desire to give and sacrifice for others, but it can be confusing because women are physically attractive initially as opposed to other forms of giving which don't have that allure. If one looks past that, it's mostly the same. Obviously, getting married is the highest form of giving and sacrificing for another, it's also the most difficult to maintain which is why Hashem made woman attractive.

Many people find it helpful to channel this desire towards other forms of giving, whether it's working on existing relationships, developing new ones, helping those in need and so on. Some people try to fill their hole with all sorts of things but usually they just work to numb the pain. It's kind of like taking cocaine when you have chest pains. 

Working on healthy relationships with people and with G-d, fills the hole in a healthy and lasting way.

I hope this made sense.

Wilnevergiveup

The needs that they are referring to (I think) are not sexual ones. Those needs don't need to be met. Just like an urge for 17 doughnuts.
The needs that need to be met are ones of meaningful, deep and honest relationships and connection

"the highest level of Pleasure is LOVE" not sex...
"the highest level of Pain in Loneliness" 

the problem is that the secular world stole the meaning of love and transformed it into sex and physicall... 

LOVE is a feeling , an emoition... 

when we feel loved we feel happy...

Reaching love starts by truly loving OURSELVES... 

reaching selflove is hard work, that's why we run to find different ways to reach love and the secular world tells us that being with a girl gives us love...

comment "AGREE" if you agree?

Pure123 wrote on 09 Apr 2021 15:35:

Totally agree!! In fact I would go further and say that if we learn how to love ourselves then our lust problems will disappear...

WARNING: GRAPHIC POST
Checking in after the first week of the Z'man. Had a lot of lust, but had nothing to fall on, B"H, so stayed clean. Unfortunately, fell tonight, and felt even more ashamed than usual afterwards.
Why, you ask?
Because in addition to GYE, I often go on Fight The New Drug, a website that combats porn from a non-religious perspective (i.e. porn is bad because it promotes and causes sex trafficking, child molestation, and rape, causes people to look at women as objects, leads to sexual violence, destroys relationships and lives, etc.). There was a story once on there of a testimony from an actual porn performer who spoke about how she was essentially beaten and raped (don't go looking for the article, it's a horrific and extremely graphic story) on set by a certain lowlife. Details such as names often stay in my head against my will; so it was with this story. When on a porn site tonight, I noticed a video that literally had the name of this lowlife (the rapist) in its title. After a few seconds hesitation, I turned the browser off, and thought to myself "What the heck am I doing? I'm searching for filth and evil on a site that is literally promoting material of rapists and monsters!" The story, horrific beyond description, had proven still not to be enough to get me to stop watching porn. Hence, I was more ashamed than usual.
My plan: sit down and write (or type) a list of all the reasons why porn is harmful/damaging/evil/morally corrupt, and carry it on me at all times. This way, I will constantly be reminded of how awful it is to fall. No matter how bad the lust it, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Gut Voch, and talk to everybody in a week.
Signing off for now, 
Fighter With Fire

FighterWithFire wrote on 18 Apr 2021 04:58:

Sorry to hear. I hope you do better next week. 
I heard from others too too on gye suggesting to write out why we hate porn and all its evils and danger. 
For some reason that doesn’t help me keep clean. Maybe it can be a trigger to help find a tool that helps, but as a stand alone drug to combat porn? It doesn’t do much for me. 
So keep your options open. Ok?

Been a while since I posted (21 days, to be precise). The good news is that I have been clean for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 21 days! B"H, on a good streak, and looking to keep it going; it unfortunately looks like there may be an unfiltered device left out tonight, so got to be careful. Got to remember: No matter how bad the lust it, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Gut Voch, and wishing everybody else a strong week.
Sincerely, 
Fighter With Fire

wowww Mazel Tov!