Part 3

Eventually when I was in my second year in Yeshiva, I was so down, that I somehow came up with the courage to go and speak to a Rebbi who I felt had a genuine love for his Talmidim. I don't think I recall a moment in my life, where I was as nervous as I was then to bring up this topic, I was literally shaking. It took hours of preparation to even try and think of the words I would say. I entered his room, could barely get some words out my mouth and I burst into tears. I sat there for 2 hours, he was Mechazek me, gave me renewed strength, made me feel normal for struggling, BUT, in terms of tools how to proceed, all he could offer me was to keep in touch from time to time to see if I was making progress. With time, this fizzled out, and I wasn't really much closer to breaking free, I just continued with the ups and downs.

With time I developed an emotional connection with some friends where we would share our lives together, we discussed things we perhaps shouldn't of, but if my rebbeim/parents weren't going to give me healthy answers, then I had to figure them out on my own. At this point everything aroused me everything I saw could excite me, I would look for anything I could feast my eyes on, always ending in mzl. I have memories of doing the strangest things for perhaps somehow I'll have more to fantasize about. I felt so desperate for a female physical relationship, that had anything along these lines come my way, I would have run for it. I remember the summer being hell regarding Pritzus, and I felt so non-understood by those around me. At one point I ended up having a physical relationship with another friend a number of times. I'm not going to elaborate on this, I don't want to trigger anyone. I felt so humiliated after every encounter. This only made me feel lower and fall into my double life even further. Through a Rebbi's intervention this came to an abrupt stop, but my struggles didn't. All this was before my encounter with the internet. All this was whilst I was this well respected masmid, shtieging away.

Part 4 coming shortly ….

Part 4

For some reason, even though I'm from a frum Yeshivish home, with parents who are involved in Chinuch, but somehow with me -their pride and Tzadik- there was no suspicion of me doing anything naughty, to the extent that when it came to Bein Hazmanim I found myself a job which not only involved working all day on an unfiltered laptop, but I was allowed to bring it home and take it with me to my bedroom, lock the door, spend many hours on it, but seemingly it didn't enter anyone's mind that perhaps, just perhaps it may not be so safe. I mean, was I waking up so late in the morning because I went to bed early? Why was I sleeping 14 hours a night? Or maybe just maybe I was spending my time viewing  כל דבר טמא שבעולם? The only good thing I remember is that I always had some sort of battle with myself before I gave in. This was my first exposure to porn. Of course the intense chemical rush/pleasure, was a way I could enter a new world where I left my real life behind.

All this just led to me living more in denial with myself. I was always ruling out my life, telling myself that until now I was bad, but from now I will be good. You can imagine what I went back to Zeman feeling like….  This took place one Bein hazmanim after the other. At this point I had much more to fantasize about, more things I saw aroused me which subsequently led to more mzl. Once again I must point out that at the same time, I was learning away, living in denial.

Part 5 coming shortly ….

Part 5

I was back to Yeshiva for a fresh Zeman of Shtieging, but at some point I ended up in yet another physical relationship with another friend which ended up in a disaster of uncomfortable feelings between us, however this didn't put a stop to it. This just goes to show that during a moment of lust, nothing else matters. Even though I knew it would just lead to more friction, but somehow during a moment of lust this just didn't matter. (BH I had the courage at different points and asked these friends for a formal mechila, to get the guilt off my chest.) At that point my need for lust was much stronger. B.H I never had access to internet during Zeman, but I figured out during Bein Hazmanim, that lo and behold at home we have unfiltered internet….., yes unfiltered internet in one of the community's leading role models home…. This led to yet another relationship once back in Yeshiva.

I would like to point out, that I don't believe I struggle with ssa, it's just that I was so desperate for 'love' and a true healthy emotional relationship, that this was the only way it could manifest itself as a Bochur, as I had no option of girls in real life. I have one memory already around Bar Mitzva age (perhaps a little younger) sleeping over at a relative with a school friend, where I tried numerous times to give him physical touch.  In later years I had watched some g.y p..n which geared me in that direction too. Today B.H I don’t have this struggle, unless I positively decide to fantasize about it, (rarely happens) as then it triggers memories of the pleasures I had back then, or if I see an extremely handsome boy I can get a niggling feeling, but I easily ignore the urge. Unfortunately during my Yeshiva years where my tension caused everything to be a trigger, then even watching roommates in their undervest was a trigger, or shopping online for men's underwear. Etc. Unless anyone believes otherwise I would not call myself ssa.

Thankfully I got married young. No, my struggles didn't stop. All I thought about as a chosson was the bedroom…. Unfortunately no one taught me that lust is lust, even with one's own wife. Life continued, I kept promising myself that at the next stage it will stop, but it didn't, so I spent the next few years struggling/constantly battling with mainly mzl, (and p..n when had access, which really wasn't often), or searching for anything inappropriate on my filtered pc. It's fascinating how much one can access on a device that has a strong filter.  I would like to open another thread in the bb forum Bez"H reflecting on what I've learnt regarding married life and this struggle.

Part 6 coming shortly ….

Part 6

I'm going to cut my journal short, as I've written everything I want to write about my personal history. Fast forwarding a bunch of years with ups & downs until recently. I had basically come to terms with the fact that even though I must keep battling this,  I also have to learn to live with it, and instead put my focus on other areas of Avodas Hashem as I am unlikely to ever totally break free.

But then a miracle, called GYE, became an active part of my life, and after speaking to them, and guaranteeing me that if I make this fight my priority/focus I really can break free, and using resources given, I BH now am over 90 days. In the past I had tried all sorts of kenasos, I tried the 'Taphsic method' for over a year and even though it was helpful, it didn't change me. I was missing the guidance I now receive BH.    

I have had a number of observations during this stage of my journey, which I would like to post here. I will continue using this thread to share my thoughts, in addition to observations that I'm sure will come my way.

I want to end with the point I started with, please please help yourself by making that one step, to find which gye option works for you, because you are guaranteed to find a method that works for you. We all want to help others in this area, so if you can please post on the forum- this is your  chance to help others, and yourself at the same time too! There is no one who can't find help here.

Pls feel free to comment here or pm me anytime.

At the same time I want to express my deep heartfelt gratitude to all the Malachim of GYE, for giving meaning to my life and elevating one another in an indescribable way. May HKBH strengthen all of us, and repay you with happiness and Menuchas henefesh to continue helping others. R' Elafants words constantly resonate within me, describing GYE's founders as the R' Ahron Kotler & Sara Schenirer of our generation.

אשרי העם שככה לו

With Love & admiration,

Excellence

I fell twice in the last 6 hours….. after 119 days. I could blame it on many causes, but who cares. I could spend my life diagnosing causes, but that won't cure me. I'm starting again my 90 day count right here right now. I won't give in, NO WAY. ODAAT

Hi everyone, I'm back to continue logging my journey. I'm eternally grateful to all of you. If not for you I would have never made it to around 120 consecutive days, before I slipped.

Many times the issue of perfectionism has been addressed here on the forum. I would like to add my input on the issue and how to channel this in the right direction. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Excellence vs Perfectionism

Part a

As I have written earlier in this thread, as a child I grew up with a large emotional void inside myself, I was lacking a lot of encouragement, recognition, compliments and positive motivation. In fact it wasn't just that I lacked this, I grew up with a lot of tension too. Subsequently I was subconsciously yearning to fill this emotional void. I needed love, warmth and most importantly unconditional love.

Out of desperation, this need inside me was causing me (unknowingly) to realize that my achievements/self-worth wasn't worthy of appreciation. Subsequently I would then do whatever I could to achieve this recognition, and when I finally did something BIG, and I got the recognition/compliment I was so much yearning for, my brain would receive a message that in order to receive acceptance, one needs to do something perfect.

This extended to the perception of myself, that I began to slowly stop accepting myself unless I was perfect (an impossible achievement, btw), and this is how I lived my life from a young child, right through my teenage years and more. Since I actually had a good head and  I was the best in my family, this only added fuel to the fire because at times I was actually able to achieve this so called 'perfection'.

This all caused me tremendous distress whilst trying to grow in Yeshiva. It also caused me to have a lot of jealousy, as A-I wasn't content with myself and B-anyone who had a Maalo I didn't have made me jealous since I wanted all maalos possible in order to attain perfectionism.

Every time I made a resolution to grow, I would tell myself that up until now everything I achieved was basically worthless but from now I will be 'perfect'. Every time I fell, my self-image came crashing down. If I learnt well a whole Seder but I wasted 15 min, or if I came late, it would bother me to no end. At the time I couldn't describe what these feeling were, but years later at therapy I realized that the reason why it bothered me so much was because as soon as things weren't perfect I lost my self-acceptance.

All the more so, battling mzl/pn was a nightmare. Every time I fell, in my eyes I was back to zero.

It's actually interesting to note that initially I refused to label myself a perfectionist (not suprising) but once I became truly in touch with myself I saw the truth.

Part b

The solution:

Firstly, it's imperative to internalize the difference between striving for shleimus/excellence, vs perfectionism. Shleimus is NOT perfectionism. I am doing Chazra on the key differences between the two, join me if you wish:

1-      Striving for Shleimus comes with an understanding that we are actually far from perfect. In actual fact, if we were perfect then we may as well dig our graves and bury ourselves today, since we no more have a purpose in this imperfect world.

2-      Striving for Shleimus comes with an understanding that not only is there nothing wrong with being imperfect and having shortcomings, it ought to be embraced, because we are human beings. We are created with imperfections and our lifelong goal is to slowly, bit by bit work on our imperfections, and as long as we are focusing and trying to grow we should be feeling very content. We are comfortable with ourselves for who we are today.

3-      Falling, only hits us so hard when it smashes the perfect image we have drawn for ourselves, but when it comes to shleimus, falling is viewed as part of the growing process to achieve hieghts on the long run. When a perfectionist falls, his whole self-image comes crashing down. He feels worthless. Whereas in the Torah's eyes You can fall and still be a Tzadik as the Pasuk says:  ein tzadik baaretz…..

4-      Shleimus = striving to be the best possible me, NOT the perfect me. If I'm sincere and I am trying, then even if I don't see the desired results, I am still being the best possible me, and that’s all that matters. What matters most in life is that I am focused on working towards certain goals. It doesn't necessarily matter whether I am reaching those goals or not. That’s not up to me, but rather up to HASHEM. What's most important is whether or not I am using my Kochot properly. If someone lo olaynu dies young, even though he may not achieved perfectionism in his short life, he can still have achieved shleimus, as long as he used the time he was given properly.

5-      When striving for shleimus, our decisions are based on what really is the correct thing to do right know in order to be the best possible me, whereas a perfectionist may do irrational things just to achieve/attain this fleeting feeling of perfectionism.

6-      When striving for shleimus, I CONSTANTLY feel good with myself, because as long as I am striving and working on myself I am bringing out the best of my human self, whereas a perfectionist is ONLY happy after achieving the results. A perfectionist's happiness never lasts long, it's a never ending race because you will never be perfect. Your not G-D. Only HE is perfect.

7-      A perfectionist doesn’t want to lack anything nor feel vulnerable, and will therefore often not take help from others in order to feel like they can do it on their own. However a true relationship is give and take.

8-      A perfectionist will often cover up their mistakes and always justify themselves, because they can't afford to believe they are imperfect, which ultimately refrains them from growing. Not so when striving for shleimus, we embrace mistakes, use them as tools for growth, and that’s how we grow and climb the ladder of shlemius even higher.

9-      Perfectionism and shleimus are both emotional drives/forces. The difference between the two is that perfectionism is driven by negative energy, i.e - it has to be perfect because otherwise it is bad, whereas shleimus is driven by positive energy, i.e I accept my shortcomings and I am working on improving them.

10-   Perfectionism can never be attained, and in the rare case that it is, it only lasts for a very short amount of time, until we find something else imperfect, however shleimus gives a person a constant good feeling because as long as we are doing what we should be doing we can feel good with ourselves.

Part c coming soon…..