Hello chevra, wishing everyone a beatiful Chanukkah.

I have some stresses I really need to get off my chest and have no one really to rant to, so I will be doing it here. 
I am exhausted. Honestly, physically exhausted. I think in the last 2 months I have had 2 good nights sleep. If the kids aren't sick and up all night, then the youngest kicks off his blankets and yells for (I have had him do this 5 times in one night). Even on the nights when they are settled I find myself wide awake at 4am and exhausted again at 7 - having usually tossed and turned for an hour and then just got up.

I had a yearly review today. Baruch Hashem my job is stable, I have a good relationship with my boss and the money is good but he even told me to get some rest, ha!

I love my kids but honestly they are just so stressful sometimes. My wife can either be amazing or absolutely useless. We are always dancing to her tune and when it suits her for bedtime or whatever. I work longer hours, have a much longer commute and make about 80% of the income but I am always dead last when it comes to needs and wants. She needed a £2000 sheitel last year - but when I spend £100 on a hobby after saving for 4 months its "a waste of money". I'm also left with most of the housework  / dinners / etc too - and she'll sit on the phone and tell everyone how busy she is. She makes a huge effort for Shabbos and Yom Tov but on Tuesday night she expects to be waited on.

My commute to / from work at the moment is awful. Cold, long, busy, cramped, I honestly dread it. I can work from home but then the work day is far harder. 

My learning has been in the dumps since Sukkos. I cannot learn on my own and my gemara shiur has been very unstable as people have left or cannot attend. 

I have bH been porn free for over 100 days but I have wasted a lot of zera regardless. I have hardly had any intimacy with my wife due to issues with her pill, I think we have had about 2 weeks together in the last 5 months. I am so scared I will fall into porn again and fall hard just from stress and tiredness. Stress and aggravation is a massive trigger for me. I have been lusting after every attractive woman in the street and I feel like disgusted with myself.

Before I end I want to say that bH I have amazing blessings, my wife, kids, job and health, our home and all our luxuries. Just feeling really down now

kol tov

Thanks for the rant

On a serious note - appreciate that your wife is happy to buy a nice sheitel - I have a friend that his wife unfortunately dumped hers recently

On a positive note - you say she's amazing and sometimes useless (I know what you're taking about - although she says same thing about me) - appreciate that your wife isn't amazingly useless!!!!!

Happy C to you!





In other news whatcha gonna do about all the stresses of life?

Hi Sonic

I read your post, and saw that you have so many blessings in life, that we should not take for granted.
on the other hand you have a lot of stresses, and as i read it, some things can be modified, and some stuff we need to learn how to deal with them. anyways, i sent you a PM with my email, looking forward to connect.

Thanks all. Baruch Hashem we managed a decent night's sleep so I'm feeling much better. We have some nice guests coming for Shabbos. 

I think I just need to make sure I have some relax / hobby time often, I really need it. Even just 20 minutes here and there makes a difference

Lack of sleep can lead to depression, which can easily lead to porn use.

If you are replacing a blanket five times in a night, why not just replace it once and then leave the child to make a fuss?
Let him learn the hard way that you are not his servant.

When you do not replace it for him he will get the message eventually.

As for sheitls, I hope they have had their time and the fuss over the avodah zara origins of Indian hair will hopefully phase out these expensive wigs which now looks so much like a woman not wearing a wig that they do nothing to reduce lust from other men or let other men know that woman is married etc.

Far more modest to wear a headscarf type covering, and a lot cheaper!

First of all congratulations on the 100++ days! This is amazing!
Seems to me that both you and your wife needs some correction. I think you both need a good therapist. I don't know for sure but maybe you can use more self confidence? (Maybe your wife can use less?...) I think you should try to find somebody with a little bit experience & tell him your story he may find you a way to a much better life.
Me & my wife are both in therapy now (in my case I was the one that started all the mess, I think in your case it's just the opposite) we just started & already see things better. My issue is totally different than yours but what I can tell you is that life can be much better, a wife doesn't mean an abuser, kids are not synonym for stress (I have 2 BH) commute shouldn't feel awful & there is a big chance that after a little correction your learning will be much better (as you want it to be) & not every woman on the street will be attractive & a source of lust...

Also, your wife's issue with the pills has to end... Which kind of pills is she taking? What for? (I have some experience in that field too )

Thanks all for the responses. bH things at night have been much better, little on is more settled and I have been sleeping better. 

ColinColin - I agree, these sheitels are terrible and it is mamash a mafia business. They were quick to demand money but we had to wait a few months for the thing to turn up while they closed up for the summer holidays.

youcan: I'm not sure therapy is needed, I admit I posted after a bad few days and generally things are fairly good. 
As for the pill, she is keen for 4th kid (I am not at the moment) so we haven't investigated anything longer term. I spoke to my Rav about it and he said at the time to stay on it for 6 months and then re-evaluate. She is on her third as they have all had awful side effects, but these have had her nidda for 85% of the time she has been on them

Doing much better now bH, however I have really been struggling with taiva to masturbate the last 2 weeks or so, it is really pounding me. I do my best not to give in but I definitely fail now and then and have found myself again looking at images I was doing well to avoid

Hi, I'm happy that you feel better BH!
I hope that you don't need therapy & everything will work out good for you.

Why shouldn't you try other birth controls? Pills are not the only option, ask your rav about IUD (don't tell the doctor that you only need it for 6 months...) & nuvaring (if your OK to share with him that it effects your kedusha it will help him decide lekulah ) there are many more options but maybe they are not in line with your rav's psak, but if there is a need for it most rabanim these days are mikel.

my Rav mentioned UID / coil as being the best option, issue is that we haven't decided if we want another baby in the near future or not - and it's easier to come off the pill than the others

Needs a sit down and proper decision between me and my wife but I feel that we are going to be disagreeing (we have 3 bH but honestly I don't know if I can manage another)

If she wants to become pregnant in 3 months from now, I would recommend the nuvaring, it's a vaginal ring that your wife inserts once a month, can be taken out at any time. If you decide to wait 6 months the IUD is probably the best option. The easiest for you would be the suppository or something like it that is inserted before sex, but it's not the first option by the rabanim, ask him what he says to this (my rav allowed me to use it temporarily)
Regarding having a forth child, I'm sure that you can handle it, usually the wife is the one that wants birth control, after all she's taking care of the kids... But if you wanna wait you should make a peshura (for instance if you wanna wait a year & wants only 3 months, maybe decide on 7?)
BTW, how old is your youngest?

youcan wrote on 21 Dec 2017 15:55:

My apologies, but please list some of your references, your experience, your semichah, degree, etc. before offerin' this kinda advice. I know that everyone (almost) realizes it's an anonymous forum, and advice of any kind should be taken with a grain of salt, but there should be limits, I think, as to what we even attempt. 

PleasePlease don't take this as criticism, as I don't know you at all, and I am not sayin' that your advice is off base, but the same way we all understand that a 16 year old, acne filled, sophomore in high school should not be dishin' out intimate martial suggestions, such as position of beds, colors of nighties, frequency of talkin' with ones spouse about workday activities, etc., so too, we should understand this.

Please continue postin', please continue recoverin'.

God speed!

cordnoy wrote on 21 Dec 2017 18:32:

Pardon me, O Mod, 

Perhaps it should be "color of nighties," or "colors of nightie"? [I am not certain, as by us, they are both referred to as "nachthemd."]

cordnoy wrote on 21 Dec 2017 18:32:

From all things you mentioned I only have experience. We tried all of those, we also researched a lot on the subject.
I don't know what you are afraid of, I read my post now and I see nothing wrong in there, I didn't tell him what to do I just mentioned a few thing he can ask his rav about, just as I do when talking with friends about anything. Why do I need a degree or smicha for this??

I will continue to post (with your permission of course...) since it's a main part of my recovery, it helps me a lot. If you see I post something wrong please pm me, I only want to do good things here. I hope I will never cause any problems again...

youcan wrote on 22 Dec 2017 02:07:

If a Rav or Specialist prescribes something, can the same medicine be administered by the patient to his roommate in the hospital?
Maybe it will kill the guy Gd forbid

And then here's another problem - rabbis pasken based on the information provided
What happens if we leave out information - for example that "oh and by the way I'm a sexaholic and that's why I need sex and you better make sure she's available"
So then the rabbi administers his advice which may be wrong, and then we go ahead and prescribe this wrong "medication" to a friend? No make sense

keep posting brother, but we gotta be careful what pills we share around here - in any case one addiction is enough

Don't worry. No problems were caused. All is well B"H.

God speed.