168 days ago, we hit the ground limping. trying to reach a distant goal of 90 "clean" days. therapy was going well and the therapist though it was time to meet less often and less often until i was declared "healed". so fast forward 168 days - and im back!
During therapy, we discussed various issues and experiences i had had. It was quite clear that i was not dealing with the go-to GYE diagnosis. i was dealing with depression brought on by years of abusive siblings and dysfunction that, while at the present time things have become a lot more healthy, kinda messed me up bad and im still struggling with it. looking at stuff was not an activity. it was a way to distract from the depression. if the depression would take a break, other things would disappear. and visa versa.
Through therapy a learned my depression comes from a lack of connection and love. not because i was incapable, but because there was no outlet. the family situation is shaky at best, and friends cant fill the void forever. 
so, the obvious solution - get married. yeah - i know that the people on GYE go nuts if someone trys to suggested that getting married helps, am im sure for the struggle is different for everyone based on what at they are going through and where they are holding. but again, my issue isnt addiction. my issue is a lack of connection mixed in with some self-bullying and loathing. 
so marriage. the messed up world of shadchanim and resumes. where you get to go out with a person you dont know, commit your life to them and then, 10 years later,  be walking home from shul shabbos night talking to a single guy(me) about how the whole process sucks because you realized the second you got married that the girl you have spent a mere 25 hours with has been faking everything about herself and now youre stuck with her (true story).. So great - date for longer! well thats "not done" because apparently once you've checked the boxes, you have fulfilled your chiyuv of dating and now you must get engaged. or get engaged and break it off. so yeah - not fun. 
To add to that, my last date was back in august. the shadchanim dont have anyone or wont get back to me. maybe they like dealing with typical yeshiva guys and not professional guys, maybe the girls prefer the prior over the latter. either way, i got a no back from a girl whom i had agreed to go out with tonight, and that kinda wasnt too good for me. 
so for the past 168 days i've had various anxiety attacks and really downer days. some meditation helped a lot when i can push myself to do it. this past weekend, i wasnt doing to well. i started heading into the pg-13 subcategory nothing real bad. today was better though. until tonight. i got home. got my response from shadchan. family situation had been not good for the past week. i crossed over in the rated R category on youtube. nothing explicit. nothing vulgar. everything was within youtube's "safe filter". just a little more that i had seen over the past 168 days. and things kinda just happened on their own. no "outside forces". like actually.
so i took a shower, pulled myself together and sat down to write this. i found out that writing helps me calm down and puts things inter perspective. 
so where do i stand?
i dont know. i can sit here and say that this is it, and im going to do better and all that. but i find that hard to believe. i know im not holding by a shimiras einayim struggle. its a side affect of another struggle. the other struggle doesnt seem to have more than one solution. what i do know is that i'll probably be "clean" for a while (hopefully starting nowish, if my internal bully doesnt continue kicking me into the ground and im able to break out of this depression) and ill go about life. constantly struggling to fill a void. hopefully with less damaging things like shiurim or music or politics or school work, or work work. and if wife-stuff works out, then i hope to be up to the challenge of putting away this crap for good. the last thing i want is to back here in an other 168 days.

Welcome 

Thanks for the share
Might I suggest getting a few numbers from the truckers here and connecting with them while you try to find a wife, it works for me....

Good morning,
That sound pretty tough. Especially the depression part. Depression sucks. Trying to escape the horrible and draining feelings of depression is something I can very much relate to. Been there for years. BH I'm not there right now, haven't been for a bit. One thing I remember is feeling like  nobody really understood me, nobody really understood how repulsive depression is/was (to myself), except ppl who has been there before. I'm not gonna say that I've been as depressed as you being that I don't know you, but I just wanna let you know that I'm here. Send me an email l, we can talk if that would be helpful. Life has a future & sometimes it's a lot brighter - a lot brighter, than what we envision. 168 days is a tremendous achievement, and that's something that you keep, it doesn't disappear. That always counts as something that you have accomplished.It's time for me to get outta bed and get on to work, but I just wanted to reach out to you & let you know that you're not alone. 

Have a blessed day, full of life and tranquility!

Bb

Hi ngc. Beautiful honest post. Here on GYE we "undress ourselves in public" about all our issues. Takes courage and determination. You have a clear understanding of yourself.
Many of us here also arrived into the world of pornography and masturbation as a result of depression, loneliness, frustration, anxiety and a host of other issues. And yes, the underlying issues must be addressed while also tackling the shmiras eynayim issue. Hang around here, and as Mayan wrote connect with some people here. It should b'ezras Hashem be with hatzlocha.

Just read bb's beautiful warm welcomingpost, so i want to add one more thing. Those of us that suffered depression etc, have a feeling of "us and them". There are the "normal" people whose job is to keep "us", the not normal ones stable, well behaved, and safe. Even the therapists dont understand us, they just pretend. Mr. ngc, there are people on this forum who have been there and done that. They know exactly what you are experiencing. Latch onto them. It will be a breath of fresh air.

ngc51853 wrote on 05 Dec 2017 09:41:

Sorry to hear your situation. You write
"i was not dealing with the go-to GYE diagnosis". Addiction thrives on uniqueness
Gye has many tools, and many guys here were dealing with depression, self bullying etc. I'm not sure what your therapist was trying to say...

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 05 Dec 2017 12:06:

Hmmm....you also tryin' to find a wife? I actually was doin' that when I first joined.

Ngc,

Welcome back.

Sure sounds tough. Life sucks for many of us. There is a way out for all though. We just need to find it. It ain't easy.

Wishin' you tons of hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 05 Dec 2017 13:36:

Cords I have been here long enough and posted/spoken to you enough to know better than to get insulted since I do not have a clue as to what you mean

But let me clarify what I meant: It works for me to connect to people in a real way (not here on a secret forum) Maybe I was trying to find my wife when I first started but not now I need to find myself first...

"my issue is a lack of connection" That is the essence of sex addiction. Here from the SA White Book "Early on, we came to feel disconnected—from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy ..."

Our acting out is but a symptom. We need to get down to causes and conditions. From AA Big Book Page 64. "Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions."

1) GYE is for all, no matter what the cause is it will help you. Even if it only makes you act out less it pays. 
2) while marriage won't help for SA it helps find love & with the best type of partner/lover. So if this can cure your depression (along with therapy) it will definitely be easier to fight this battle. 
3) don't be so worried about your shidduch; you're right that from dating you can't see the truth about a girl (she is faking just as you do, after all you both want to get married) you have to make research too. If you marry an average girl & you commit one to each other you don't have what to worry about (not that everything will always go as you imagine, but you won't look like that person you met). Also don't forget that your zivug is already waiting for you from long before you're born.

Every clean day that passes by is a BIG thing, take one day at a time & stay focused, you'll make it iyh.

Hashem should send you your zivug b'karov & a refuah shaleima!

youcan wrote on 07 Dec 2017 07:03:

You brought out some great points. The only thing that I'm hesitating to agree with you on, is (unless I misunderstood) using marriage as a tool to cure depression. It can be a very risky  maneuver and head to divorce. At least it was that way by me.

I didn't say that marriage helps for depression. Our friend NGC wrote "Through therapy a learned my depression comes from a lack of connection and love" so I was thinking (I'm not a therapist so my opinion shouldn't count anyway) that when he'll get married this can get better "along with therapy".
depression isn't always a direct cause of something, I thing this is called clinical depression & no, marriage won't help for this it will only make things worse.

youcan wrote on 08 Dec 2017 14:53:

Gotcha, Ty. To clarify, I didn't marry to cure depression, but clinical depression was "the reason" we got a divorce.