Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

Journey of life
(0 viewing) 
A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Journey of life 54806 Views

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 06:43 #328683

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
I've been in total freefall for the last few days. Completely lost momentum and any desire to stop.
Some random disjointed thoughts and realizations that have been bouncing round my head:​
  • I'm sick of this. I hate it so much. That's what I've been telling myself all along. Yet I now realize that I love it so much. Watching porn this time, after my longest clean streak, was the biggest relief ever. It was like greeting an old friend. Do I really want to stop? Yes! but not at the expense of sweet porn...which obviously makes no sense...
  • I think the only reason I was able to stay away from porn for this long (35 whole days...) was because I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly done with porn. There's no way. I need it too much. I knew I could always get to it, and it was just a matter of pushing it off. Until I couldn't push it off anymore. So what does that mean? Do I have to commit to never watching porn or lusting again, forever? Seems like the wrong mindset, but isn't that what we're all trying to do...?
  • This was a VERY clear and steady descent into insanity. I thought it would be more random but it was surprisingly linear. Over the last 2 weeks or so I was steadily hit with more and more attacks of lust. No matter what I was doing, completely out of nowhere. Day by day it got more frequent and intense, until shabbos day which was practically nonstop, to motzai shabbos where I was literally dizzy and short of breath at times. I've never had that before. I guess its not so surprising, considering this is the longest I've ever abstained from porn/masturbation.
  • Whatever unqualified advice I've given others here after falling was useless when it came to myself. I completely withdrew and isolated myself. Didn't reach out, didn't respond, just wallowed in self-pity and hopelessness. I still feel like doing that but the present me is now sane enough to know it's pointless and stupid to stay submerged in despair. The me from 3 days ago was in no state to consider getting up.
Last Edit: 21 Mar 2018 06:56 by lifebound.

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 13:50 #328692

  • Yerushalmi
  • Current streak: 7 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 77
  • Karma: 9
Lifebound:

Sorry to hear about your stumble.
Here are some thoughts that i have, and some tips that worked for me.
  • Porn is not sweet, it is VILE! We know this intellectually, but have a hard time internalizing this emotionally. The more a person tells himself  that porn is vile trash, the more he will come to really feel it. It is not an old friend, it is a monster trying to pull you into its infernal embrace!
  • Realize what you accomplished! You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown. You are no longer a pushover! You are now a fighter. When a fighter loses, he doesn't wallow, he prepares for his next fight. Start getting ready. Analyze how you fell, and what steps you can take to avoid a repeat. 
  • How were you able to access this porn? Are your devices blocked? If your friends know that you don't access such devices, they might not offer them to you. Ask them to not offer you such devices!
  • Some suggestions that worked for me:
    • Carry around a pocket size tehilim or chumash. When faced with something sudden, a few perakim of tehilim, or a bit of שנים מקרא can help.
    • Do you touch yourself "down there"? I found it much easier to not touch at all, than to touch, and stop myself before anything happens. 
    • Daven, daven, and daven some more, asking Hashem to give you the strength to do the right thing!
    • When in the grips of a strong desire, I take a deep breath, and repeat over and over to myself, "I do not need to do this. I do not need to do this."
    • If i am sitting around, doing nothing, the yetzer strikes hard! A change of scenery can help me to shift my thoughts to something else. Also, something to release the tension often helps me. Pushups, running around the block, going up and down 8 flights of stairs etc.

I hope these ideas help! Remember, you are a fighter, and fighters don't give up just because they hit a temporary setback!
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!

P.S. If you want to, tell me your name (פלוני בן פלונית), and i can daven for you at the Kosel the next time I am there.

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 14:02 #328693

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 14 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7229
  • Karma: 367
Yerushalmi, for non addicts your post was great - keep them coming and keep sharing

You wrote "You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown"
This guy has been fighting presumably for 10,20,30 years. Another 35 days of white knuckling do not reflect growth - sorry

The fact he came back and shared is great and he'll grow in his own time and pace with Gds help
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 15:29 #328695

  • ieeyc
  • OFFLINE
  • Banned
  • Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
  • Posts: 572
  • Karma: -9
Markz wrote on 21 Mar 2018 14:02:
Yerushalmi, for non addicts your post was great - keep them coming and keep sharing

You wrote "You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown"
This guy has been fighting presumably for 10,20,30 years. Another 35 days of white knuckling do not reflect growth - sorry

The fact he came back and shared is great and he'll grow in his own time and pace with Gds help

im sorry to say , there is growth and there is growth  , whiteknuckling may be a lower level of growth
but its GREAT , i think to say that it does not reflect growth is really not a thought out statement, the next thing youll know is that youll start playing G-D and say you know L.B. i dont even think you deserve any reward for those worthless 35 days.
please think before you post

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Last Edit: 21 Mar 2018 15:32 by ieeyc.

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 15:37 #328696

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
ieeyc wrote on 21 Mar 2018 15:29:

Markz wrote on 21 Mar 2018 14:02:
Yerushalmi, for non addicts your post was great - keep them coming and keep sharing

You wrote "You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown"
This guy has been fighting presumably for 10,20,30 years. Another 35 days of white knuckling do not reflect growth - sorry

The fact he came back and shared is great and he'll grow in his own time and pace with Gds help

im sorry to say , there is growth and there is growth  , whiteknuckling may be a lower level of growth
but its GREAT , i think to say that it does not reflect growth is really not a thought out statement, the next thing youll know is that youll start playing G-D and say you know L.B. i dont even think you deserve any reward for those worthless 35 days.
please think before you post

I think it can be GREAT and it can also not reflect growth, in the big picture. Not a contradiction in my eyes.
I don't believe he meant what you're assuming, that it was a waste of time and pointless.

Either way, I appreciate you coming to my defense but I'm a Markzist. I like his direct style. I'm pretty confident he thinks before he posts, more than many others here.
Last Edit: 21 Mar 2018 15:41 by lifebound.

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 15:41 #328697

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 14 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7229
  • Karma: 367
Some people have Gds phone#, text him daily and know all about their reward and punishment

Sobriety is a different planet
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 15:44 #328698

  • ayidel
  • Current streak: 20 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 8
The main greatness that can be found in it 
is that you are seriously intrested in change 
so much that you fought yourself so long
but if this is not the right direction for you then
keep on looking for the real recovory not white knuckling
as for g-d part thats not our intrest if you will get sechar
or not our job is to return to normalcy and get sober

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 15:58 #328700

  • Iampowerless
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 235
  • Karma: 23
Hi Lifebound welcome back 
Hearing you speak about your fall, brought back memories about my fall, you see last october i attempted to stop cold and i also killed myself until i hit 33 days clean. (my Gye Username at that time was yankelthefighter feel free to check out my posts from that time period) and then i fell and when i fell i gave up hope of ever quitting until 3 months ago, when i got caught by my mother and that's when i made a commitment I MUST QUIT i told myself either i quit with talking to the chevra etc, installing filters, ETC or i must start going to SA (something i'm extremely embarrassed to do) but staying addicted the way i was IS NOT AN OPTION. I CAN'T CONTINUE LIVING THIS WAY! And b'h this shabbos i'll hit 90 days!
So When i think about why this time i was more successful than last time i think it was as you very clearly said in your post "I think the only reason I was able to stay away from porn for this long (35 whole days...) was because I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly done with porn" that's what i felt last time i tried this time around i told myself I'M DONE WITH PORN and I MUST QUIT and if i need to go to SA i will because i Can't continue living with this addiction.

Dear Lifebound i want you to know this attempt wasn't a waste of time you learn't a lot, became extremely self aware and i'm sure once you regain your footing and truly realize "I'M DONE WITH PORN and I MUST QUIT and if i need to go to SA i will because i Can't continue living with this addiction" then that attempt will get farther but like i've heard from Dov many times i think without this realization which sadly usually only comes when people hit rock bottom it's hard to quit when as you said "i knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly done with porn which is what happened to me my 1st time around"

:kissing_face:LOTS Of LOVE YANKEL (i still love you dearly)
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 21 Mar 2018 16:05 by Iampowerless.

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 16:04 #328701

  • ieeyc
  • OFFLINE
  • Banned
  • Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
  • Posts: 572
  • Karma: -9
lifebound wrote on 21 Mar 2018 15:37:

ieeyc wrote on 21 Mar 2018 15:29:

Markz wrote on 21 Mar 2018 14:02:
Yerushalmi, for non addicts your post was great - keep them coming and keep sharing

You wrote "You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown"
This guy has been fighting presumably for 10,20,30 years. Another 35 days of white knuckling do not reflect growth - sorry

The fact he came back and shared is great and he'll grow in his own time and pace with Gds help

im sorry to say , there is growth and there is growth  , whiteknuckling may be a lower level of growth
but its GREAT , i think to say that it does not reflect growth is really not a thought out statement, the next thing youll know is that youll start playing G-D and say you know L.B. i dont even think you deserve any reward for those worthless 35 days.
please think before you post

I think it can be GREAT and it can also not reflect growth, in the big picture. Not a contradiction in my eyes.
I don't believe he meant what you're assuming, that it was a waste of time and pointless.

Either way, I appreciate you coming to my defense but I'm a Markzist. I like his direct style. I'm pretty confident he thinks before he posts, more than many others here.

nope ,sorry, there is GREAT growth and there is GREATER growth,whiteknuckling probably is GREAT growth,and you are not the same person anymore, you and many others like you are doing GREAT THINGS ,and ther are those who imsure took it it the way i wrote even though M.  didnt mean it , unfortanetly it can be taken that way, so be careful, wont say names , simply because i dont want to be attacked  , but peoples Torah, Tefila , Teshuva etc...have been made verbaly into nothing because they are not on the road of GREATER growth, so please excuse me if i assumed M. is just parroting their way of thought, there are some people here who adopt a rough and tough way of talking because they  want to emulate  a certain ,person/s style ive seen their style  of talking /posting  change , even their words have similarities,im not talking about words like the-the, i mean words where the tuffy coined certain expressions ,(by the way the tuffy who im talking about has the heart of a teddy bear,) and this wasnt only a defense for you, glad you dont need it , but there are others who  read these posts 

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: My sorry state... 21 Mar 2018 22:30 #328729

lifebound wrote on 21 Mar 2018 06:43:

  • I'm sick of this. I hate it so much. That's what I've been telling myself all along. Yet I now realize that I love it so much. Watching porn this time, after my longest clean streak, was the biggest relief ever. It was like greeting an old friend. Do I really want to stop? Yes! but not at the expense of sweet porn...which obviously makes no sense...
  •  .................... So what does that mean? Do I have to commit to never watching porn or lusting again, forever?


Dear Lifebound,
Thanks for having the courage and strength to share openly  about your experiences....I have been there many times.....I'm sick of this. I hate it so much.....and then doing it all over again. Total insanity!
Yes....After my last 90 streak masturbation was the biggest relief ever.
....... greeting an old friend    definitely relate to this feeling....BH for me getting sober this time around is actually like greeting an old friend .IMHO  just like  pathways are created  in the brain from continuing to act out....that are also pathways of recovery created when taking actions of recovery. So BH I am still able to access some of those "pathways"..Bezras Hashem  you will too...

Do I really want to stop? Yes! but not at the expense of sweet porn... These thoughts and feelings were running constantly in my head during my relapse! Yes,it is sweet..that is why it is called "eye candy" but I am a "candy addict" one is too much.....and a 100 is not enough.  and then comes all the guilt and shame which is not sweet at all.

Re: My sorry state... 22 Mar 2018 11:04 #328739

  • Singularity
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1313
  • Karma: 66
LB I really love your honesty. It's helping me immensely.
I want to say goodbye to this old friend now.. Just for today at least..
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: My sorry state... 23 Mar 2018 03:56 #328795

  • Hashem Help Me
  • Current streak: 1095 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1962
Lifebound, as many before me have written, your honesty and courage are a breath of fresh air. The feelings you describe of how sorely you missed the sweet pornography and masturbation are things many here can relate to very well. However you decide to proceed, may Hashem help you find serenity and simchas hachaim. We are all here for you despite varying opinions and personal leanings. Stay part of the chevra so we can iyh celebrate together (and in the meantime, we are here to share your pain)
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My sorry state... 23 Mar 2018 04:45 #328798

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
Hashem Help Me wrote on 23 Mar 2018 03:56:
Lifebound, as many before me have written, your honesty and courage are a breath of fresh air. The feelings you describe of how sorely you missed the sweet pornography and masturbation are things many here can relate to very well. However you decide to proceed, may Hashem help you find serenity and simchas hachaim. We are all here for you despite varying opinions and personal leanings. Stay part of the chevra so we can iyh celebrate together (and in the meantime, we are here to share your pain)

Thanks HHM, and everyone else for the kind words and support.
I fell again today. Not out of the woods yet unfortunately. Having trouble getting motivated to get back on my feet, and unsure how to proceed.
Also dreading Pesach approaching, because that means tension, resentment and frustration which is a bad situation. Which reminds me of something I was going to write about but never did:

I realized a while back that I really don't like shabbos or yomim tovim. I attributed that to not feeling a connection to yiddishkeit and spirituality, so why would I enjoy a day that's all about spirituality, if I'm just going through the motions? That's the simple explanation that I still think is right, but last week I got a deeper understanding, with the help of others on here, which I believe is also true.
My life has been a series of distractions. I've never been forced to take a close look at myself, and discover what I'm all about and why I should enjoy life (spoiler alert: I don't). It's all been just running from one diversion to the next, I've never actually lived. Fiddling with computers. learning one random skill after the next. movies/tv/youtube. listening to/playing music. gaming. even, dare I say it, GYE in some ways! and of course, porn/masturbation. It's all been a way to escape from myself. (I'm not saying that these are all bad things, or that every second of a person's life has to be spent contemplating their existence. Music for example can be a powerful and good thing. But the fact remains that it's also just another diversion for me)

So when shabbos and yomtov roll around, I'm stuck! I don't have my usual distractions and I have to confront my true self and true life. That's what I'm resisting and dreading. During the week I go through the motions, but quickly distract myself afterwards so I don't have to dwell on it. On shabbos/YT I'm stranded, the only diversion is my own thoughts which just amplify the feeling of fakery and resulting guilt. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's what I think is going on.

So what is life? I don't know yet. See my username. That's why I'm here.
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2018 04:51 by lifebound.

Re: My sorry state... 23 Mar 2018 09:09 #328818

  • Singularity
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1313
  • Karma: 66
I just want to pick up on this:

Fiddling with computers. learning one random skill after the next. movies/tv/youtube. listening to/playing music. gaming. even, dare I say it, GYE in some ways! and of course, porn/masturbation. It's all been a way to escape from myself. (I'm not saying that these are all bad things, or that every second of a person's life has to be spent contemplating their existence. Music for example can be a powerful and good thing. But the fact remains that it's also just another diversion for me)


I'm slowly accepting things about myself. That I love video games and game music, anime and stuff. And I know the overwhelming majority of us frummers don't have anything to do with it and some may consider it assur but I can't now 'deny' this part of myself and throw it away as a 'distraction' from 'real life'. Wouldn't be healthy for me anyway, I think, 'cos it goes like this:
I love these things but I shouldn't but I really do but it's wrong but it feels great and inspires me and stuff but it's not frum but I like these things but but but then I act out probably because I just feel guilty and stuff.

I want to be honest enough to embrace what I really enjoy in life. May not be derech ha'emes, but it's derech ha'me.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: My sorry state... 23 Mar 2018 17:00 #328854

lifebound wrote on 23 Mar 2018 04:45:


I realized a while back that I really don't like shabbos or yomim tovim. I  I got a deeper understanding.......

My life has been a series of distractions..................to escape from myself. (I'm not saying 
So when shabbos and yomtov roll around, I'm stuck! I don't have my usual distractions and I have to confront my true self and true life. That's what I'm resisting and dreading. ........ shabbos/YT I'm stranded, the only diversion is my own thoughts which just amplify the feeling of fakery and resulting guilt. 


Dear Lifebound.....Very well articulated! You were mikaven to a befarshe Dr. Twerski!

Kuddos again for coming back to the forum and sharing openly and honestly which are critical components of recovery Honesty Openness and Willingness.

I identify very much with the distraction addiction. Besides Lust,Masturbation,porn,and fantasy,and overeating my diversions include news (especially YWN,Linkedin and off course GYE and sometimes work)
Also, I  engage in the self-loathing and feelings of guilt which I now understand are toxic for me.

So,I just wanted to share something I read several years ago from Dr. Abraham Twerski,in his book called Let Us Make Man.His discusses the feelings of dread one experiences when  alone with oneself . He suggests that it has roots in feelings of low self-worth. This was really an eye opener for me because my default thoughts besides lust and anger,are self-loathing and self-pity.He further discusses that many folks who are intelligent,and capable and accomplished,ect will minimize their strengths and constantly focus on their deficits. My road to self-improvement began with an accurate acknowledgement and acceptence of my strengths,talents,unlimited potential for growth ect. 

May Hashem grant us all the honesty, openness ,and willilngness to accept ourselves and strive for continued growth and improvement. .
Time to create page: 0.80 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes