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I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence

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TOPIC: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 34625 Views

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 18 Sep 2016 21:11 #295289

Watson OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1280 Karma: 85	I don't know about anyone else but I think I've learnt a lot from this thread. Thank you all. I want to apologise to Waydown and Bigmoish for any hurt or offence I caused.
	0 1 2 3 4

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 18 Sep 2016 21:16 #295291

serenity
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I know a guy who lost his wife and family for doing the kind of stuff Waydown does. That wasn't a bottom for him though. At times I shudder to think about what his bottom might be. He blames his wife for the divorce and for not being with his kids. He's miserable and full of self pity. He can't hold down a job. Can't daven without being full of guilt. Can't face his community without shame. What is his response? To act out more and more and in progressively worse and more dangerous ways. Even if he still had his wife, as waydown does, what kind of a life is that? I will tell you, because I lived it. It is full of misery.

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--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 18 Sep 2016 21:20 #295292

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	Markz, Re, "Look guys I'm continuing masturbating, and am not looking to change. I just want to post daily here so that I don't return to chat rooms etc" Its kind of how you spell it out. But I would not say not looking to change. Rather as I often said I don' t want to change. I do want to want to change the M"Z part too.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 18 Sep 2016 22:43 #295294

shlomo24
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Personally, I would like to say that my words may have led to misconceptions. I understand why people may have had them. I'm not apologizing, because I don't think that's necessary, but I can see how it happened. I'm going to be holding off a bit from exclaiming when I feel the need to.

I do have one question for waydown though. It's a repeat of what Mark said, but I think you may have made a typo. What do you want to change about yourself?

If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can.

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Last Edit: 19 Sep 2016 01:08 by shlomo24.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 01:01 #295297

waydown
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Serenity,

Yes very well said. I know I can loose my wife and gorgeous children from committing the sins I did even though I never meet anyone in person. And something deep inside me tells me everyone gets caught eventually. So its either quit or get caught. Just listen to some of the high profile news cases recently and you'll see. And yes its shame that "getting caught" is what scares me more than the morality behind it.

However, there is that little crazy bug in me that says as long as I keep the lusting to levels where its not a call for divorce (even if it may cause some problems getting caught doing it) I.E. M"Z then I am OK. Of course it's a very wrong approach because half hearted measures don't work. But my" addiction" or whatever you wanna call it does not necessarily work with logic.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 01:10 #295298

shlomo24 Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 2213 Karma: 135	Ok, so considering what was just said, how do you reconcile masturbation with yiddishkeit?
	If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 01:15 #295299

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	I don't its wrong and assur. There are terrible stuff written on it. But its still not gilu arois.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 01:18 #295300

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	Re, What I want to change about myself this second? Not screwing up my marriage and only "lusting in manageable" ways. I know that sounds crazy and wrong and it is. But that's just the honest truth.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 14:52 #295311

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	day 6 and still hanging around.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 18:40 #295316

shlomo24 Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 2213 Karma: 135	waydown wrote on 19 Sep 2016 01:15: I don't its wrong and assur. There are terrible stuff written on it. But its still not gilu arois. Ok, I hear that.
	If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 18:43 #295318

shlomo24 Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 2213 Karma: 135	waydown wrote on 19 Sep 2016 01:18: Re, What I want to change about myself this second? Not screwing up my marriage and only "lusting in manageable" ways. I know that sounds crazy and wrong and it is. But that's just the honest truth. Objectively, I don't think it sounds crazy. It's definitely not "wrong." Honesty is a good policy. I hear you.
	If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 21:09 #295323

serenity
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I was thinking about this today and I was remembering how I used to think and wondering if you were having the same thought process. And, the answer is yes. So I can relate very much to what you are going through. I hope you get healing soon.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 19 Sep 2016 22:25 #295329

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	So what did you do to snap out of that warped thought process?

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 20 Sep 2016 00:21 #295333

Markz
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waydown wrote on 06 Jul 2015 19:35:

ataglance12345.

Yes I totally agree. In fact I'll open up a bit more. For about a half year I have been flirting on-line with shiktzas. But BH it never came past that. The primary reason is all the barriers placed in front of me (As a person living like a frum jew there are lots of barriers. For example when often asked for a pic I never had that good looking muscular goyish look. I am bald with a cholent boch!). I was almost comfortable with it since I felt its not likely to get further. ( A silly thought but thats my thought process.Its even more silly considering that I have a very sweet charming personality. So whats to say that some shiktza won't fall for that despite my lack of knowledge and looks of the pop culture.) Then recently I found a frum couple falling off the derech. (The exact details I will leave out.) The husabnd is totally open to his wife flirting and actually gets turned on when she does. For now he has his limits and won't let anything explicitley and we never meet except via video chat twice.(yes thats already too much) More than flirting though I have connected to his wife in a very emotional way. We share simailar though not identical struggles that we both faced as a child and still suffer from. I have never felt so comfortable shmuzing & flirting with another lady like her. I developed a certain emotional connection that I have never developed even with my own wife. And I think the same can be said of her & her husband That together with seeing a family member actually get divorced because of her husbands extreme sex addictions has got me thinking.
Bottom line one way or the other its a very slippery slop. If I don't fall with a shiktza i can with a frum jew lo alinu. And my rule of "not fitting in" with shiktzas is far from guareenteed. (That last point should be obviously but when the yetzer hara talks its not so obvious.)

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