Rabbi Dr. Watson,

Firstly, you were amazing and clear yesterday. Thanks for your time & wisdom.

Just one quick question, why not sherlock why watson??

Now to my main problem,

Yes I totally get your point as you so eloquently quoted from the white book.Everything is true

"Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery."

But again this is my dilemna. I am not at the point of despair.And I don't want to stop.

So why am I here.

Because yes my heart wants to stop. I am an upstanding person betzem. I know what's right and what's wrong. But my heart is farshtupt and my brain tells me don't stop. I am on GYE because לב יודע מרת נפשׁו.

So now what???

Rabbi Dr. Waydown,

Thank you so much for talking to me yesterday. It really helped me clarify my addiction in my own mind and helped me remember why I want recovery.

You've asked me a question. Being a good Jew, I have a question in return:

I'm a professor in college. One of my students enrolled in my course and so far has flunked all his tests. He doesn't do his homework and doesn't listen to the lectures.

So I called him into my office and asked why he wasn't doing his assignments. He said "cos I can't be bothered, I'd rather watch movies and play my playstation."

"So why are you here?" I asked.

"Because I want to get a good job with a good salary in this field and I need to get this degree for that."

"So why don't you do the work?"

"I told you, I want to watch movies and play playstation."

HaRav Waydown, what should I say to this student?

Rabbi Professor Watson,

Firstly I love your style!

The answer is tell the student too bad. No degree unless you work hard and pass yoour exams and homework. I don't care if you wnat to pass your exams force yourself because you must pass.

So yes too bad I must "fight" (i know you hate that word) anyhow. But the method suggested on GYE is that first one realizes that life is unmanegable and that hew ants to be sober. Then he joins the 12 steps. I am holding by too bad force myself and I don't know that it will work that way.

I don't know that there is much more to be said re my problem.

I do want to conceed one thing. I have establsied that I am not fully in my own perosnal life in a stiuation where life is unmanageable. Yes its a problem. But I can say with certianity that days when I am not resorting to lust every 3 minutes (even though I resort to wasting time GYE instead!) are far better and more productive.

My days are for usre more managebale without lust

waydown wrote:


concession accepted.

b'hatzlachah

Hi waydown,

I was away from the computer for a couple of days, so I wasn't able to post here. I'm not really aiming to reopen the can of worms, but I do have what to say.

I want to point out that I was not arguing. I was just writing that I relate to you very much. If someone on here would have engaged me in conversation when I first joined, I likely would have said the very same things.

waydown


Great, so you answered my question.

I would just like to point out that there are many things that people become addicted to.

For example,
I can eat a piece of chocolate cake and really enjoy it, and then I can move on with my life.
I can play a video game and really enjoy it, and then I can move on with my life.
I can have a glass of wine and may even enjoy it, and then I can move on with my life.
There are any number of things I can have/do and enjoy, and then I can move on with my life.

Many people can look at porn, or lust, and they can masturbate, occasionally, and they can then move on with their lives.
I can't. I've tried. Once I start, I sink further and further, deeper and deeper, into the shmutz. I close off connections to people in my real life, everything in my life suffers, and it's very very very difficult to pull myself out of it.

All of these things are "just as addictive as crack cocaine", and many people are addicted to them. Once they indulge a little bit, they spiral out of control and it takes over their lives.

So, it's not really about the "addictive nature" of the thing being enjoyed, rather, it's about why the person is addicted to it. Now, everyone is different, but many addicts across the board, no matter what it is they are addicted to, have learned that they turn to their addictions when there are underlying issues in their life that they are trying to escape.

Regarding Rabbonim who have smoked-
I would not believe for a second that being responsible for many people, and having to deal with their life issues on a daily basis, is not a tiny bit stressful.


waydown


It's not for nothing that when I joined GYE, I chose the name skeptical.

For the first 6 months, I didn't post a thing - I just read the forums, and rolled my eyes a lot. For the first 3 months, I didn't even really try to be clean. But then one day, something clicked in my mind, and I decided I really had enough.

So my advice - keep reading and stay connected to GYE. If the radio is on, you will get reception, eventually - hopefully sooner than later.

Forgive me if I'm brutally honest but as an aspie this is what I'm wired to do, even if it means my karmas go- sometimes.

It troubles me to read great posts by someone with the name 'skep', I even had a hard time writing 'skep' just now. Aspies are extremely literal people and it really bothers me to see such names

Imagine if one of the moderators had the name apikores, I don't think I would even read his posts. We're trying so hard to be positive and any scepticism is not welcome

A lowly boarder is requesting a reputable moderator to ask the grand administrator to upgrade the name to something like "skyoptical" or "whatever"...

Waydown when you become a moderator I'm going to need your name changed too

Hi Markz,

I'm sorry that my name makes you uncomfortable. I totally understand what you're saying, and you're not the first to express it. In fact, I have a really close real-life friend from GYE, who told me that he felt the same way before he got to know me.

But I'm also sorry to tell you that I won't be changing my name.

I believe it's really important for people to see that there's a journey that is taking place. That someone could get on GYE feeling skeptical about pretty much everything on this site, and then eventually become a moderator says a lot.

I hope that you, too, will get to know me over time, and will be able to get past the name, to see the messages.