If selfish is not used in the context of hurting others then what's wrong with being selfish? I'll take it a step further, if while you are taking self pleasure you make sure that the other party enjoys it to whats wrong with taking that pleasure? However, I contend even if not pleasing the other party if it doesn't hurt them who cares? When I eat kugel by a Kiddush, I do it soley because I enjoy it. Do I need that kugel for nourishment? In two minutes I will go home and eat a meal. So when I eat that kugel I clearly am eating it as cords says" to primarily to satisfy oneself". Is everyone by a Kiddush selfish?

Gibbor 120,

Re "Also, many people come here and think their lusting doesn't harm anyone else. Many came to realize that they were wrong (even if their wife never "found out")."

Yes certain aspects of lust do harm others. If because of my lust family time or parnasa is worsened then yes it hurts others. But if lust is kept at bay without affecting any quality of life issues then its my own personal averio but I fail to see how that hurts others. I do realize that its a big if. Since lust can be a wild animal and hard to tame to limits of not hurting others.

Furthermore,for my wife she actually enjoys it and feels great that I lust for her. (I won't get graphic but suffice it to say she feels honored). And yes I show her love and respect as well. And I use to hide my lust from her at one point but now when I express my emotions and show excitement our life has improved.

Re "This was one of my breakthrough realizations. I did not understand it at first, and had no idea that my addiction had anything to do with selfishness".
Maybe your addiction had to do with selfishness. I don't profess to know everyone's root cause. But I know myself. My lust habits came from a combonation of a few things. 1) is growing up in a house where tznuis and lust was not an issue (despite being a charedi home).2) I did have certain bumps in the road earlier in life. I got use to lusting before marriage and way before it hurt others. Once I get used to lusting its purely like cigarettes. (By the way one who smokes his hurting his wife and kids too. After all he risks dying young. Is he selfish too? Or no he is simply addicted) Or like they say about pringels once you pop you can't stop. I guess it boils down to what selfish is. I don't think one is selfish unless he hurts others in the process.

I don't know what the entire issue is, but can someone explain to me why a person would argue on the dictionary? Is there nothin' absolute in the world?

Here is a copy & paste from Webster's dictionary on the word selfish. Both definitions revolve around hurting or disregarding others

Full Definition of selfish
1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

Unfortunately it's been a long time since I've been full time in beis medrash
Waydown, Forgive me but I can't follow all the lomdishe chakiros

Also חז״ל say משכהו לביהמ״ד.
Does that mean that we give the YH the mike?

Markz,

I am not really sure what you are asking.

having or showing concern only for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people.

Will yes & no if its relevant to regard the feeling of others and you disregard them, then yes you are selfish. But if its irrelevant like eating kugel in shul then pleasing myself is not selfish since there are no others involved.

In other words if it doesn't affect family life at all its just self pleasure then its not selfish

למאי נ''מ ?

My apologies.

Kinda reminds me of the guy who's stuck in the snow, and everyone comes to help him out, but he refuses sayin' he can do it himself, and they all stand around pleadin' to give him a hand, but he has it all under control, as he slams on the gas pedal sprayin' snow in all directions, as the tires go spinnin' round n' round.

Good luck.

I think the above was for the good of others, but it also made me feel good. Hmmm....selfish or selfless?

Cords,

Sorry you totally went over my head. Here is what you wrote,
"Here's how I perceive selfish: Doing something primarily to satisfy oneself"
I can't say you are wrong but you leave out a very important condition. That is one must be "Doing something primarily to satisfy oneself while disregarding another persons feeling" without that last part you are NOT selfish. To put it in more simpler terms one who is single and not married if he chooses to view porn he is not selfish since he is not disregarding another individual's feelings. Henceforth the act of lusting in it of itself is not seilfish.

eslaasos,

The nafkia mina is since according to some recovery models one has to work on realizing that he is selfish. According to Webster's dictionary that is not a requirement for recovery. (Although if someone feels he is selfish then yes work on it please.)

If the guy is stuck in the snow and people try helping him by suggesting that he do insensible things to get out and he does not listen then yes your moshol is great.

I should note that one who lusts generally is what we call a bal taiva. So if anyone is making an argument that one who lusts is obsessed with fulfilling his desires and one has to learn hisbatlaus and refrain from seeking self satisfaction that's a very vaild pointer.

That was too lomdish - lets keep it simple

"One who lusts generally" is actually lusting