cordnoy wrote on 15 May 2016 14:59:

Cords, I think we were posting at the same second. My post is not a ha'arah on yours, just my thoughts when I saw mg's post. 

mggsbms wrote on 15 May 2016 14:41:

I'm not sure if I grasp your point. So I'll try again. The focus is definitely to do God's will today. And living today in sobriety. However what will be the motivation, just for the reason to do God's will has not helped me in the past and hasn't helped many people i know. So focusing on the clarity of mind I've had in the past, and the turbulent mind I've had of late, gives me done motivation to the work for today. 

In other words an addict has to hit a bottom, by sharpening the lens I hope to reach a bottom.

I've grown plenty from some of your not so cuddly posts ...

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin?limit=15&start=960#287850

realsimcha wrote on 15 May 2016 15:01:

Seems like you were mechavein to a bigwig psychologist “Inducing positive fantasies may indeed produce depressive symptoms by encouraging people to enjoy their success prematurely in their minds, thus lowering energy and effort,” Oettingen and her colleagues explained.

mggsbms wrote on 16 May 2016 17:38:

cool.

Day 7

In the spirit of the chevrah I'll post some of my gratitude for today.

1. Woke up on time
2. Davened in my favorite minyen
3. Bumped into three people that i needed to, with positive results.
4. Drove wife to work, and had pleasant conversation.
5. Was able to progress in my work in the morning hours (instead of lusting).
6. Called my rosh yeshivah something I was pushing off for a while.
7. Was able to connect to and help mom.
8. Listened to cords
9. Had a good lunch, (semi healthy).
10. Davened Mincha  where I was supposed to. (Job commitment).

This is only the first part of my day. The gratitude kept on compounding from there on. 

Thank you Hashem 
 

I gotta find my "G" thread.

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/275789-Gs?limit=15&start=30#288151

cordnoy wrote on 17 May 2016 23:48:

Cord - why not put it in your signature
Its only one more word

markz wrote on 18 May 2016 12:02:

Takes me time.

Day 10

I cannot enumerate the many ways these days of sobriety have been more productive then the preceding days of lusting. Almost any given moment of the day has a pronounced difference in sobriety. The more I become aware of this the more I realize how my life has profoundly changed since I started lusting. The lack of a present mind and the dearth of any emotion to spirituality, the loss of focus even the degrading of mental capacity. Not to mention the neglected responsibility and money lost due that. A general sense of bewilderment not knowing what I'm living for. My children growing up around me and not being present to enjoy it and help them out. Yes my children are growing up nicely BH but that's in spite of my lusting. So much lost opportunity, yet my mind is still trying to convince me that my life is manageable.

I know I'm not breaking new ground here, but for me in my own world it is an earth quake and that's all that counts. It is not the depth of the knowledge of what's happening it's how deep it penetrates, and writing this helps the process. 

mggsbms wrote on 20 May 2016 04:38:

Thanks for the poignant reminder why we have to be here. Hatzlacha! 

Day 13

Today was a day full of triggers. My town is not what you would consider a bastion of modesty. A lot of surrendering was needed,  (I'm not sure I'm doing it the right way). 

I ask you Hashem to help me stay sober, and appreciate the good in life, that I shouldn't have the need of escaping to fantasy land. I should be able to accept the day to day grind with calmness and not get over taken by fear and worry and resentment.

Amen.
Good going. 

Hatzlacha brieder,
stay away from those first drinks. 

Day 15

Had many a triggering moment the last couple of days and with the grace of God I'm still standing. 

The emotional roller coaster has been unleashed, I can feel worried sad overwhelmed and anxious all at the same time. It's withdrawal for sure as many real problems come home to roost once I've stopped medicating. 

I made a list of about fifteen points in my day to day life that are getting tarnished - ruined- destroyed due to this addiction, and the list is growing. So going back is not an option. I just hope that I learn to cope with the rest of it.