Do you feel like you are white knuckling for those 50 days, or do you generally feel good, and it seems to come out of the blue?

Before 50 days i feel a bit weak but i know i cant allow myself to fall so i have the power to keep going. but after that, the Yezer Hara tells me that i was good enough and i can allow myself to fall... BH i feel now better, at the beginning of this week i almost fell, but now its better, but cant never be sure. so i pray a few times a day to stay clean.

Dear TG,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your pain really comes through. 
I really admire you. From my point of view, I think that what you managed to achieve is amazing despite your circumstances.
But  clearly, you don't feel that way about yourself.
You write "I want to be clean before I leave this world". May I ask what that means to you? To die without having an SSA attraction? having beaten it? if there is such a thing.
For me these thoughts were at the least no less fantasy than the struggle with lust, and at the worst made me more depressed, despondent, self - beating and negative.
Frankly I do not believe that anyone who has been involved with lust in any form, can ever be "free" of it. But we CAN deal with it, as you clearly managed.
Neither can i claim to know what G-d wants me to achieve. Do I KNOW that he wants me to be "free" of lust etc???? or is it something that "I" want. I can only be certain that He expects me to put in my best effort. 
I am not trying to minimize or justify these actions. i am just saying that for me, this thinking was just wishful, and never got me anywhere..
It has taken me years to change my attitude, with the help of people on this forum and elsewhere but thankfully today i am able to see myself from a much more balanced perspective and one which i sincerely believe is what G-d wants from me.
Hatzlocho

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.   This does make me more depressed and more likely to beat myself up. It's just that this particular nisayon has so much impact on the things that are most important to me. I have basically given up trying to be intimate with my wife because I am too anxious and self conscious. I don't become immediately aroused because my attraction is for the same sex, (or because I am not 20 anymore) and when I don't, I get so nervous trying to that I can't. It's so humiliating I don't even want to try...except that I do want to try. I want normal intimacy with my wife. I know this is probably way too much information but I am dead serious. This barrier I have built up is killing me. 

My first wife was more aggressive and I was younger and that made it work then. My current wife is shy and sheltered and I get embarrassed and anxious having to take complete control. It's like somewhere in my childhood I was taught that women don't even really like s*x and are disgusted by it. I know my wife does not feel that way and would love intimacy but she will not initiate, and if she did I would avoid. 

How is do I get help for this? It is all because of my SSA and years of conditioning toward s*x with men. 

Wow. I really laid it out there for all to see. Please don't laugh at me. I am ashamed enough. 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 29 Sep 2016 00:24:


We'd never laugh- each of us has a bag of stuff that everyone can laugh at, and no one generally does here. You're brave and honest for putting it all out there. I'm awed.

Thanks for the support workingguy. I feel like the SSA issue puts me even lower on the scale than the porn and mb people. That's how much shame I feel. 

We would never laugh at you. But you're welcome to laugh with us. Check out the JHF section. https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/23-Just-Having-Fun

Or you may laugh at me as others regularly do - what do they see in me?
?
?
?
?
?
?

Then we can change this thread to
"I'm about to Fall - off my chair with laughter"

NOW I WANT TO MAKE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
What I'm about to say is VERY DEEP

Many many guys Fall because of self-centered-ness and depression

If they would be falling off the chair with laughter, or better, with positive vibes, they wouldn't be falling...

Everyone has their peckel.
Many of us think that ours is the worst.

You did well by coming here and sharing your story.
It should be with hatzlachah.

Markz wrote:

Markz, I love this. You are so right. I will try to hold on to that thought when I am down. 

Thanks, Cordnoy. I know I have other issues, and yesterday was hard, but today is better, and I appreciate the community here very much. 

Welcome Teshuvaguy!  It's nice to have you with us. 

Thanks, G120, it's nice to be here. It's a relief to be able to finally express myself