Dov Answers

Someone claimed that it might be a Chillul Hashem to join a live SA group, being that he is a Marbitz Torah and a Mashpiah Ruchni... He asks Dov if 'therapy' and working the 12-Steps alone could be enough. Dov responds:   For me, live people were and are le'ikuva (extre...

I am a nobody. The guys who wrote AA would also admit they are nobodies, I think. All we have to offer is our own experience, nothing more. Because of what I have seen and experienced in recovery so far, I have accepted that as soon as I set myself up as some sort of "exp...

"StrugglingGuy" asked on the forum: I'm a little unclear. When we say "staying clean" from mast**** on this website, do we mean causing an erect***, or just not ejac**** -? Dov Responds: Dear StrugglingGuy, You are hitting on something wide-ranging that many folks get al...

Someone asked on the forum: This whole looking at porn and acting out is such a big part of my past. It will haunt me forever. I can never be truly rid of it because it is there. How do I face this? And if we can actually heal from this then we aren't addicts, no? Dov Re...

Someone writes on the forum: It has been almost 7 weeks now, & I just don't have any more strength, desire or interest to stay clean. I just want to give it all up. Can you please stop me? Please reply only if you have something wise to say. Dov replies: Are you a...

Someone asks Dov: The Whitebook seems to imply that we have no control over ANY of our defects. One of the main points of our purpose in this world, as I see it, is to struggle through life working on our defects. Are they saying that this is not the case? Dov Responds: ...

Someone asks Dov: Just a half hour ago, I was in the store, buying challahs for shabbos, and the married woman behind the counter was making my life very difficult! I hope I wasn't too rude, I just basically avoided eye contact. Is that the appropriate eventual end result...

Question: I have tried many times and I don't believe it is possible for me to fully stop masturbation until I am married. My therapist agrees, and he also said that I should not feel religious guilt about it, as this just makes it worse. Response: Dear Jew, As far as gu...

Someone wrote to Dov: Often when I ignore an opportunity to act-out the image keeps popping back, coupled with resentment that I didn't act on the opportunity. It's as if I'm only postponing it in my subconscious. How do I surrender it totally, 100% with every fiber of my...

Avraham wrote: I t ried to distract myself by learning and going to a shiur... distracted myself for a bit. That lasted till like 5PM. I tried hard. I feel like I'm too focused on the problem and not living in the solution. How AM I supposed to live in the solution? D...

"Gesher Tzar Me'od" asks: How is acceptance of lust addiction as a disease not a "cop out" for a responsible person not to take responsibility for his actions? I realize that there is a difference between a one time aveira and a constant behavior pattern, but that still d...

Frankly, I do not understand the yiddin-recovery connection. I am not disagreeing with you, it's just that I do not understand it in my own experience. Here's why: I am not sober because I am a y'rei Shomayim - if that was enough of a motivation for me then I'd have gotte...

A typical struggling Yeshiva guy wrote to Dov for advice. (He had not progressed to a real addiction level yet). Here is some of what he wrote:"I guess I would say that my ratzon does not meet up with what I intellectually know and want. After Yeshiva, when I first "stumb...

A Bochur writes: I can't get rid of the feeling (it might be more than a feeling) that I really want to "be" with a woman! How can I go till I am married without it? It's overrated. Ha! Actually, being curious is so natural, but it's just a pity we all have to struggle s...

I do not subscribe to an emphasis on consciously working toward self-esteem as a way to get out of addiction. Perhaps it is a great idea for non-addicts to help save them from getting entangled in dependency... but once I got in, working on self-esteem was like spitting i...

Someone asked Dov: I keep asking myself why it's so d-mn hard for me when I see a woman pass by in the street. I feel like crying every time I pass a decent looking woman, that's how painful it is for me to look away and just let go of it. Dov replies: If you try to move...

Someone wrote: Hashem really loves me and knows what is truly best for me. Once I truly internalize this I will be able to live more cleanly. Does anyone have any tips on how I can lower my ego? I literally have a HUGE ego. It's sickening. It is probably the single most d...

Someone asks: I'm kind of at a loss who to pick to call, I feel it needs to be someone who knows fully about my addiction, I have to be able to explain exactly what's bothering me at that time and what my issues are and then the guy has to be someone who can talk me aroun...