Hi Yehoshua
I assume this is your real life name
If that's the case - you have shared your name in the open which VERY few of us have done. You are WAY ahead of the pack!!

yehoshua wrote:


Someone else on the forum pointed out to me that we (myself included) sometimes hint to our struggles by the titles or signatures we choose

Your "Funny walk to 90" may have been authored by a very sad Yehoshua
I don't have a clue if you are afflicted with depression, perhaps you are

I like to comment to other people after reading their struggle history. Forgive me but I don't have the time to read through your 5 year 40+ page bio.

Care to share what you tried in the past? What tools don't work for you?

What steps are you considering? If you are afraid - perhaps someone can help you overcome the fears?

All the best my friend

Hm, the title does sound a bit off. I found it funny, you know up and down the 90 day chart. Very dark humor it is, when i think of the pain linked to it. So why funny? Well, the clown always makes it somehow.
Real name is Miha, i used it here before.

That "get there on my own terms" is less me now, i fell so many times due to that. So it is on Gods terms now. That comes from my Big Book study.
But i haven't joined a live group and I know I have to stand alone, but also that I need other live sexaholics to be honest - Dov said that and i said that i need to chew on that.
I know i have the insanity

I just had a slip.

I was bad all morning to be honest. I didn't find my footing, but that is not to blame, I am like that every morning I think.

Anyway something bad also happened at work, but still it wasn't all that bad. Anyway I did all I could do there in that situation and the decision is not up to me, the boss of my boss will decide. So that was a good thing acutally.

The problem was getting all done at work. Ok, it is always that, but it really made want to act out. So I was searching for a prayer for addicts and got to Pinterest. With nice pictures of prayers for addicts and then... loged in so i could see all the pictures for addicts, and there was this woman there and I clicked that and then i typed in **** into that browser and i saw more women, still nothing revealing and then I closed and opened it again and typed in real schmutz **** and then I closed it. So I never viewed the schmutz, but i did type it in 3 times.

So it is a slip.

So I do have a problem.

So am back working. And watchig a tv film while working. Something is off today. Or is it today? Is it time to fall again and realize who I am and what I need? How far, how deep this time? I am insane, how sweet it all feels.

Please please Hashem take my defects of character away.

I turned the film down. Back to Sandy Beach.

Lucky man

No slip or fall yesterday, a new day.


Why lucky? Wasn't that surrender?

And plus what is the deal with this KARMA - +, what does that mean? I have been wondering about that for ages?

Had anothet slip. I wad working hard at work and listened to testimonials on youtube, and then i was feeling tired, bit then my wife called i should download somwthing like a free didactical woeksheet for my daufhter and i was feeling bad as it is and daw pintwrest agaun thete. I did see half nudity, i mean exposed a bit, but didn,t flow to the pictures i need. You know what i mean.
I closed it, but it such a struggle.
I am soorry for mt lust and my tone. Hashdm did save, it feelz like i want to lust like a gentleman , but i am not. It is insanity though and i do feel like i am in isolation even though i am here.
Sorry for the mess

That slip means, it really means i did not surrender. Hm, darn

yehoshua wrote:


karma basically means a persons vibe, like if someone posts a good post ppl might up his karma or if someone posts a negative post they might lower it

Hey man, first of all, by "lucky", I just meant you are fortunate to be choosing Sandy over naked people. Second, who says it was surrender? No matter how far along in recovery we ever will be, only G-d knows why we happened to have stopped in any particular given lust situation. Sometimes it was fear of getting caught, sometimes it was fear of pain, sometimes it was that 'it just wasn't good enough to be worth it', some of the time it was pure surrender. Who am I to know that just becs I feel it was surrender, that i really did? Since when have my feelings been reliable reporters of the truth about me? Rarely.

And finally, I have no clue what Karma is, either.

Have a nice day, karma or no karma. You are a good (and very lucky) man!

Thank you Dov for the gentle post.

I am getting really lustful the past days. And yesterday I felt like I need to tell my wife, that I need to attend SA meetings or I don't know what will happen. And I didn't, I was afraid and felt that I don't want to put a burdain on her when she has so much to carry anyhow. So I didn't say anything.

But I have this agressive thoughts towards my wife and my child. I mean, I don't do anything, but they just pop up when I am not content with a moment, I get a feeling, wouldn't it be great to have them out of the picture. Everyone probably thinks those crazy thoughts, but few act on them. I bet my wife has the same thoughts towards me and my daughter even more.

But that is not important. The important thing is, that I know I am an agressive type even though i don't look and act as one, but I can be. And I do know, that I get crazy when something comes in the way of my acting out.

I mean I don't act out now, but if I take the first drink of lust, I can't stop lusting more and more and more. If there is something in the way of that lusting, than it is my family.

I know I am crazy. But i have seen myself, my thoughts, my urges... They are sick and I can't take the first drink of lust. It is that simple. So I really do need to go to a group.

I heard the talk by Bob D (AA Speaker) and he talked about guys who drunk again after 20 years and about a "good" guy who was working in a library or bookstore and after some 20 years or something of sobriety fell and murdered his wife and kid and ... that was that Ups-moment for Bob, that can happen? Vow didn't see that comming.

And I am thinking. I am crazy, I am f* crazy and keep blinding myself.

So I will pray to Hashem, to my Higher Power to help me tell my wife or join a group or something. I don't know. I am having trouble with 20 minutes, what is 20 years!????? And I am 36, so I will probably live 20 years, can I afford to ruin the lives of others? I am sick, darn, I am sick, this is going all wrong, what if my disease comes out next year or in 20 years and I get the urge? Will I go be Jack Nicholson and get my axe? REDRUM!???

All is fine. Everyone is fine right now and still I slipped. I am powerless and that means i am powerless, so a sick man should take that into account, right? Should do what is needed, be responsible and say: Hey, i have a disease and I need treatment, could I have the thursdays?

Sorry a bit of black humor... But I mean it. That would be surrender. Step 1.

i hear... do we know what is going to happen in 20 years? so why worry abt it? maybe it will be really awesome and not so nightmareish? regardless we have no idea of what is going to happen.

Really want act out. Of course, I didn't say anything to my wife. I am just plain afraid - thinking about my wife and that she has problems and ... ha ha ha .... I don't know who said this in my thread and in so many places:

Where you thinking of your wife when you were acting out.

Hm, but Shlomo you are so right. I just want to be special by putting myself down as if: Look at me, I am the worst psycho case here.

Sorry about that. Today no slip, no fall.

Woke up at 4 am, did my reading, my cleaning up and am at work, brushed up and ready. Already did some work, now I have Beethoven's violin concerto by Heifetz in the back and am off to work.

No slip no fall just today

As I suggested more than a year ago you can start a meeting right where you live, if you want to. I have done so in my neighborhood.

I doubt the drawn out torture of using only a virtual forum and maybe a call or two with a person on the phone, is reasonable for changes that we call 'recovery' to happen. Enough to dramatically maintain your position and have lots of interesting posting along the way? Maybe. But is that what you really want?

Just a thing you might consider.