sober, no slip, no fall

Baruch Hashem, it is His will. Help me to stay sober just for today.

BIG IMPORTANT NEWS

cooleyhigh told me about SA recordnigs of testimonials of lust addicts on GYE. I never knew they existed and they are here on GYE!!!!!

HEre the link http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList22.asp

on the bottom, you get the link to the website.

Day 9, no slip, no fall :-)

I have lots of anger, lots of resentments, lots of "I wanna be better than you". I must begin the 4th step, hopefully, hopefully.


You know my procrastination problem. I need to work hard on being good at work, it is a mayor issue for me!

A good Shabbes to all. I am off to work a bit more and to listen to the SA tapes.

12 days juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu


no slip, no fall

I feel like acting out. I am taking it too easy here at work,

yehoshua wrote:


what are u going to do abt it?

So that day Shlomo I got up, did my duty and it was ok.

Today it wasn't. I had a slip and I had a fall. I viewed a naked girl on Facebook, just seconds, but I did click it, I asked Hashem for help, saying I am helpless and I refrained from it, closed it and went back to work (that was at work time). I did go to Facebook though hoping to find some relief though, I was tired from work and wanted to blow off steam…

The same thing happened in the evening at home.

I was feeling low in the afternoon, I really wanted to act out. So I said to myself how about some chocolate, but I didn't buy any cos I wanted to lose weight, save money and not putting my wife in temptation, that she would eat chocolate too. I bought chips and my wife and I sat to watch some series, eat chips and I also had a beer. She went to bed after that and I stayed to clean up the dishes, but instead of washing the dishes, I fell asleep on the couch with a bad conscious. I knew that I had to clean up, but it seemed all to much and I just dozed off, my hand where it shouldn't be and then in this sleep I just felt the edge, even though i didn't masturbate, I was just there on the edge and I let it happen, then I woke a bit later and saw I had masturbated and ejaculated. But it was all part dream, part reality. Then I had a shower and cleaned the dishes. I really had this strong urge to act out today anyhow, in the morning I also clicked on the naked girl on Facebook, I scrolled fast and I felt it wasn't a fall, just a slip, but I thought that I can't use Facebook no more - however I do feel that I went to Facebook knowing that I could find some bad pictures there and that those pictures would relax me.

This is scary, it was building up. I did read the AA, but I wasn't working out in the morning cos of the visit we had, and I didn't read in the afternoon cos I felt tired… Yes all of that, but now I had keri. It all seems so gentle, so small, so insignificant, but I know myself. On one side I feel like can't demand of myself so much, to be like a machine and doing everything on time and in order. But on the other hand, this is not sobriety, this is not my definition of sobriety. So I will stop drinking alcohol and I will not sit on the couch again and I will not watch TV for the 90 days and then only for a planned view of a planned film and not for random series. When I am tired like that, just pick myself up, put on some video of my therapist or the SA testimonial and do my duty. I don't know anything else. I know I should have called someone as I was approaching the couch.

having a slip

yehoshua wrote:

I like fish - ones that defeat the YH!
Hey my pet how did it go - did you drown?

I think it's time to change your diet, swimming schedule, maybe you're too young to be diving into the deep-end

I'm worried you may become sushi or canned

How about you click on the 2nd S of my signature with your right finger

All the best
KOT = KeepOnTailgating

Yehoshua, we feel your pain. Keep it strong, and keep it trucking.

Hatzlacha

Yehoshua: i have been there. i feel your pain. take it easy, i was once very hard on myself after a fall and my sponsor said "ur brain is messed up right now, calm down for a few days and we could talk abt making changes". take it easy bro, one day at a time.

I would puke if it were food or alchohol, puke the pain out of me. Baruch Hashem, I viewed "only" porn and it didn't go into new spheres (I didn't ejaculate the second time I fell - yes, there was a second time, first was in the evening and the second was the next day at work viewing porn) . I am beginning to shake just writting about this and thinking about it (in a bad way). I blew it guys.

I I I me me me

I wasn't connected, I wasn't working, I took it easy. And then there was little room for faith, for Hashem, for others and not just my self-centerdness.

G-d I hate myself. I couldn't stop though.

I called an SA member of our country. This is the second time that I did that. First time I met a guy of SA live and talked with him, I didn't join the group. But this time I listened to a tape of SA and I thought to myself, any lengths, just STOP, i need to STOP.

So I called and it stopped.

After that I still typed schmutz in one time, but that was it, I closed it without viewing it. So I am sober since that talk.

Today I was sceduled to meet with him. He sounded younger than me and a bit "know-it-all" and I didn't meet up with him, cos I don't want to start going to a group without my wife's consent or even knowledge. Plus I really had to stay at work, and couldn't go. I did text him though, I can't come today and he was ok with that and said we can meet another time.

Yehoshua wrote:

We do porn with the wife's consent or even knowledge?

markz wrote:


Im considering to share my story with my wife - my history how this has been a struggle from early teen years...
If I'd be in your shoes I probably would disclose with my wife - if that was the only way I could go to a group.

Hatzlacha!!!

I read an article, that psychotherapy for us sexaddcits will be successful only if it will have a positive effect on the growth of new brain cells (connections) and will encourage a wholesome way of life. Recovery is according to this article closely tied to the braon and not so much with willpower and discipline.

The article doesn't go into 12 step programs, too bad. But it does stress one thing, it is also an illness of the brain that is hooked on dopamin... It is an old news, but it was a good thing to read again.

Day 2

day

A new day, a ne w hope.

I am really giving it all I got... I didn't join a group though, I will not do it without the full knowledge of my wife.

But there was the hopless moment after my fall, that I felt I don't care about anything just my sobriety, I just needed help.

And in this weekend I constatly thought when I was feeling angry at my wife or not willing to do the cleaning or reading,..., that it is my addiction. So I really gave it all I got.

Now I am at work. A new battle to give over to Hashem.

As it say in AA Big Book

"Faith without work is dead. For if a sexaholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and selfsacrifice for other, he could not survivive the certain trails and low spots ahead. If he didn't work, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it just like that."