Sure!

If you ain't addicted at all on some level, just go on with life and don't masturbate or look at porn.

If you are somewhat addicted, it won't be so easy. You gotta take serious action until perhaps maybe it won't be the worry of your life.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome tzudreiter
perhaps look at it this way. even though once a drunk always a drunk, you learn to realize life is more enjoyable than staying drunk.
although you may have to focus on fighting your issues that brought you here for the rest of your life, eventually the fighting might become more enjoyable than the not fighting.
I have only been here for sixty plus days and I also felt that way at the beginning when the oilam kept saying the ninety days is not the end game. but as i progress and am slowly freeing myself up and learning how to live my life differently, less of my focus is spent on the fight and when it comes up and i pull through it feels great.
so my advice would be to start the 90 days and take it slowly and see where it goes. make a decision to reevaluate the issue at the end of 90 days if need be. by then, your whole way of thinking will change.

Thanks umanumun for that share of experience, devarim hayotzim min haleiv!!!

It is certainly like that by me as well, although maybe on a different degree, but the general idea is certainly there.

Yesterday I was supposed to go the meeting. It was at 20:30 and the member that I met called me at 19.45. I saw his call only this morning, I have to call him and explain. My family needed me + I really feel it is lie if I don't tell my wife. I agreed with this member that I will attend at least 6 meetings before deciding on staying and not staying in the group.

It feels like a lie if I go behind her back. I have to talk to my wife before I attend.


All the best to You guys.

Still trucking.

How's it going Yehoshua?

Thank you Dr.




I don't know what to write. I am in lot of pain lately, I am really trying, doing my best. But I don't know...

I get up every morning a little after 5 and do my workout, then I take a shower and eat breakfast. Every evening I clean the kitchen and I don't wait until my "favorite" TV show is over. I don't watch the late TV shows any more, I clean, brush my teeth and then go to bed. This is giving me a lot of strength.

Still I am not sure this will be enough.

I read a book by a heroin addict that went through the Don Pierin community. This book gave me a lot to think about, I cried often reading the words of joy when this addict made a little step. Beautiful.

And something very real too, this book is. The ending is beautiful. He finishes his path in the community, is sober. And then he returns home and is in search of job, of a life really. He finds a woman that drains him, also the icon (the head) of the community that promised him a job decides not to give him the job (and doesn't explain why) - so suddenly a huge success, a sober ex junky, full of power, emotions, freedom finds himself alone. Ups.

So he takes up fitness, goes to sauna and finds work in a library and then even a woman. Slowly from the librarian he moves to again to work with addicts, gets back to school. He has little money, little sleep, but a great wife and a chance to do what he loves.

So here I am. I am scared that reading this literature is not enough. I need accountance. I didn't join an SA group yet, even though I talked to a member and he said to call him when I am ready to attain a meeting.

What is stopping me? I will not do it without the full knowledge of my wife. It has to be a commen decision, because I love her. Doing something like that behind her back is betrail and will destroy our union. Still I need accountance, and my wife is not the person to do that, it wouldn't be fair to her, she is my wife, not a sponser, not my mother.

What now? I hope Hashem gives me the strength to move forward, day by day, step by step and that this will be enough: going though the 12 steps every time it gets hard. But I have no one to call.

And the SA member that I met said: "When you come to the meeting you will get my number and numbers from other members." Sounds so good. I keep the number of the SA group (this guy has that phone with him always) in my pocket, even though I also have it stored in my phone.

Sorry to hear about your pain.

I have the experience that meetings are healthy and lead to recovery.

You seem to be convinced of that as well.

why would you let the fact that your wife doesn't know prevent you from takin' this very important step?

I don't remember your history, but did you notify your wife every time before you acted out? did you tell her what you intended to do?

Just askin'

Your decisions regardin' recovery should be blessed with hatzlachah

Hey Michash! You can call me any time. If you want I'll be very nice, if you want I won't...
Whatever you feel you need, just ask and if I have it, I'll share it w you.

It sounds to me you are in a very good spot. Too honest and real to be a faker (either by doing a life change like meetings, or by running off and having sex with yourself) is a good place. Not a bad sort of torture, really.

Hatzlocha doing the right thing. I agree w you that your wife can never be your accountability partner. Doing that is:

*immature, so it just feeds emotional dependence that's already there;
*fear-based, so it feeds the sexual dependence by trying to 'win' and just maybe make win her sympathies (after she is done kicking your _ss!);
*useless, in the long run cuz she cannot understand or help;
*mean, cuz the only reason guys open up exclusivelyto their wives, is precisely because of shame - we know the one person even more ashamed of the addict's behaviors than the addict is, is their wives! The poor girl often can't bear to tell a soul, for shame. Thus, our dirty little secret (the truth about us) is safe. Wicked, truly wicked of us...
*sleezy, cuz it sublty shifts responsibility onto her that she cannot possibly bear;
*sneezy, cuz there were no more dwarves I could think of...

Yet you are also so right: how can we run off and engage in a real life-changing endeavor that will take up some real time away from home every now and then, and start relationships with other people - without telling our own wives about it?! Yes, it seems wrong. If the shoe were on the other foot...


But sometimes telling the wife/spouse is not the right thing to do. As unhealthy as it may be to hide and fake, doing recovery behind her back is far better than keeping on having sex with themselves, spending hours with phone fantasy and porn fantasy women, and other sordid things we all love to do - behind her back. Right?

I mean, is it better to daven shachris without a minyan than to skip shachris altogether, no? So the normal, healthy thing is certainly to tell her, when possible. Shame seems to be the main factor when many guys hide it from their wives...amd the main factor when many guys admit it to their wives.

But you are in the right place. Keep davening, keep thinking. Make the right decision and may Hashem help you do it, like Cordnoy wrote.

We are chickens.

Which reminds me of my current, irrelevant, chicken joke:

Q: What does a chicken smell like?

A: Foul! (sounds like 'fowel'...no?)

Love you Michash,

Dov

How does a chicken smell?

I love you too Dov. I would hug you, all of you guys. Thank you.

Let me quote/translate from the book I am reading right now about an ex heroin (also LSD, Cocain, grass...) addict who found himself in the Don Pierino community (christian yes, in Italy yes).
In the beginning of his stay one of the main problem is the constant pain of confronting with others and with self. He had duties to perform of course, and slowly he progressed to become a leader of center himself (he then also left the community and is now living a sober family life in his home town I think). So anyway here a small part

"You are in pain right now, but not like before. Now your pain has meaning, your suffering has sense and direction, your suffering is work and every work brings results. You'll be suprised, how quickly you will pick the fruit of your work and the situations that now seem always too much to handle, will start to build and connect into a glorious palace that will testify of your happiness. "

All the best to you guys.

P.S. Dov, you are right.

I am still in some kind of danger, since yesterday I am slipping. I saw this video in Youtube by a AA who talks on the steps and it got me reallly down. His quoted the Book on insanity, the insanity is that when everything is great, good, as best it can, that an addict goes and gets his fix.

I feel it. Everything is great in my life and I want to get a prostitute.

Never did I think like that, I always wanted just some porn, but now, I don't know.

I got a mail with an invitation from some network by some unknown girl - all fake, I know. But then I went to some matching site and there were also some adds that involve prostitution. I closed it. But after a while I went and typed "mistress" and my home town in google, I found a facebook site and then I tried to get some images, some bio, but nothing there, only a contact.

And I really want to contact her or somebody like that.

I am loosing it.


I can't believe that guy and that insanity theory. I am lost. I can't let go. I can't let go, guys.

Reach out to one of the chevra Yehoshua.

you have done it before, and you can now.

Concentrate on the moment before you.

b'hatzlachah

just make sure to ask your wife first
or
if there are just some things where we obviously just can't do that
maybe you could also go to the meeting w/o asking yet

Hashem should help all of us see the truth and make the right decisions

Just to make it public as much as I can.

I am a loser.

I am a porn addict and a masturbation addict. And I would like to find a prostitute. I would like to be treated like dirt, be sexually abused, I would like to escape this reality and feel like I am on the top of the world. I feel terrible and I want this feeling to go away. I am suffering because I have so much to do and I feel like I am making no progress whatsoever.

I am so tired and I can't do it anymore, I am pushing myself as hard as I can, and I can't anymore.


I know I have to push it through, and there will be freedom after that. As soon as I am finished working here, I will feel good about myself. But it is close to the end of the workday and I am having myself a slip right now. There is a tab opened with sexual humiliation next to this tab waiting. A fix so near and so divine... Just oblivion. How much further is it my freinds, I would like to rest so much...

So this is the truth... Just today I will close the tab.... There, closed. Just today, Hashem I trust you, do what you want...

i wish i knew what to say to you to help you through this, but i don't. all i can say is that my heart goes out to you and i feel your pain. I hope you can pull yourself together.
If there is anything I can do for you let me know. you can email me at unanumun@gmail.com and i can also give you my phone number if you want.