BenHashemBH wrote on 01 Apr 2025 15:24:

I know of a community in another nearby city (Approximately 2 hours by bus), but it is quite closed and according to the halacha I am not Jewish, so it is unlikely that they will accept me.
And even if I were accepted, I have a class that ends an hour and a half before the candle lighting.

dove63 wrote on 03 Apr 2025 21:48:

Shalom Brother,

There are "kosher" Jewish music sources like 24six that might be worth investigating if that could work for you?

While I cannot totally relate to your situation, I can definitely relate to shabbos as a sad and lonely day feeling like garbage. Honestly, looking back at that time I think I coped by sleeping, drinking, masturbating, and waiting sadly to get out of that situation. Not the healthiest of responses to say the least.

If I could give some advice to past me (which may or may not be applicable to your situation):
Make some friends you can have some positive experiences with. It doesn't have to be the perfect experience you would prefer as long as it's positive. A 60 is not a 100 but it's sure better than -5, and loneliness is likely the biggest contributor to the negativity. 
Take responsibility to create your own positive experiences. Shabbos doesn't need to mean crowds of people singing beautiful songs. It can mean you sitting down for a meal by yourself and connecting to Hashem.
Don't leave chunks of time empty with nothing to do. That just leads to feeling deprived, lonely, and resentful. Plan ahead with a schedule.

Just some thoughts. Writing this brought to mind a difficult time I had in yeshiva when all of my close friends were either married or didn't dorm. Shabbos was just a quite time when I didn't interact much with anyone. I had almost a set thing then of masturbating shabbos afternoon and I didn't understand why. I thought maybe it was the chulent or something, lol! Looking back, it's clear how lonely I was and how poorly I was able to deal with that (or any) emotion.

Hatzlacha!

BenHashemBH wrote on 04 Apr 2025 12:35:

I'm will investigate bez"H, thank you for your suggestion

I also feel resentful and angry at my parents sometimes for leaving me with an unfiltered device when I was just 11. I try to remember all they do for me, and that helps me try to forgive them. Hang in there brother!

Day 1:

Thanks for you advice chosemyshem, I plan to fill the day doing things like Tefila, reading Torah books, doing hitbodedut and singing, and now I thought in to have fun playing with my 3 and 2 year old nieces who currently live in the same house as me (I have never had any problems with them).
But not sleeping because no good thoughts come that don't seem to go away until I get out of bed.

And I plan to communicate with a Jewish community next week.
Shabbat Shalom LeKulam!

Day 2:

I had a good Shabbat, the main reasons were to increase in tefilah, Torah study and personal prayer, I begged for Hashem to help me remove the desire although I am not sure what one should beg for on Shabbat.

dove63 wrote on 06 Apr 2025 05:04:

Hopefully you will remain full of desire for many years. Maybe ask Hashem to help you use it properly.

cleanmendy wrote on 21 Jan 2025 15:20:

Day 3:

Reading cleanmendy's topic I realized that a key point is that he has a mentor to whom he could consult, and confess his deepest secrets. So by an undeserved gift from Hashem, I have a messenger in whom I can find comfort.
It is very high, I am afraid of losing it so I am going to take advantage of it even if it hurts me to take away your valuable time. If not now, when?

So I tell the coming tests to prepare because I am going all out be'ezrat Hashem.

Day 4:

In short: Hakol beseder, studying.

Day 5:

The holidays have often been a sad time for me because I have not been prepared for them due to my lack of knowledge of the halacha and not having what is required.
But this time I had the courage to ask my moreh and also the money to buy some things, so be'ezrat Hashem this is the first time I'm going to celebrate Pesach kasher ve'sameach.
A guess I have all ready.