Mazel Tov on your wet dream buddy.  It's the subconscious panicking because "he" realizes you have consciously decided to stop for good.  It is a strong haskama to your firm commitment to be clean.   Chazal "blame" one for a wet dream only if one is heavily lusting by day.  Call for a full explanation (or maybe someone can find one of the lengthier posts explaining this and re-post it here).

Day 12 clean !!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Feb 2025 02:52:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Sep 2024 11:21:

You should still call HHM!

Day 13 clean !!

Yesterday was a terrible day. I felt depressed all day and was unable to do the things I needed to do, which added even more negative feelings—guilt, self-disgust—with each unfinished task. I was just waiting for the day to end. And of course, when these feelings arise, the urge to escape into shocking images and masturbation is never far away.

I just want to share a thought here, but I’ve noticed—based on my own behaviors—that when I’m in a depressive phase and I end up masturbating or watching pornography, that moment is when I hit rock bottom. Like in a swimming pool, I could then push off hard from the bottom and rise out of that negative phase into a more positive one.

Now, thanks to your help, some very effective filters, and also my wife’s support, I’ve managed to stay clean for over 14 days. Unfortunately for me, this coincides with a difficult phase in my life that happens from time to time. But now, I can’t hit the bottom and get that sudden boost of motivation to rise back up. It feels like it’s taking me longer to get out of this rough patch because I can’t find that rebound—like in the pool—since I never truly reach the bottom. So, I remain stuck in this vague but challenging phase.

I just wanted to share this thought with you because I experienced the same thing last time I managed to stay clean for a long period. I told myself the same thing: that when I never masturbate, I never really hit rock bottom, which means there’s less force to propel myself back up.

Anyway, day 14 clean!!

yoshi wrote on 06 Feb 2025 08:07:

Well said.

I suggest you search the site for a post from Dov called "the nuclear reset button." Okay, fine. I did it for you.

That "hitting bottom and pushing off" is part of what keeps you in the cycle. The sweet feeling of pushing back into positivity is part of the thrill that is unique to giving in to lust. We're not just chasing the lust, we're also chasing the feeling of getting clean from lust.

Part of living life for real is having to work through down times without the explosive power of a good fall/return.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for the feedback, Chosemyshem. I went to check out DOV's post, and it's true that he describes a state that resembles mine.

Looking back, I can now better explain what happened yesterday. I realized that this urge to hit rock bottom in order to rise stronger isn't really a desire to reach a more positive state or a state of kedusha, as DOV writes. What I was actually looking for was to hit rock bottom—not necessarily to rise again.

Let me explain. I think that, like any drug, P&M brings a strong level of excitement and pleasure. In my case, the search for P gives me an intense feeling of excitement, which then ends with M. When I go through a difficult phase—like feeling depressed, having shalom bayit issues with my wife, or experiencing repeated lack of sleep due to the kids—all this frustration and negative emotion builds up inside me, creating internal discomfort.

Because of this persistent discomfort, which I struggle to manage, I start to "fade out," meaning I disconnect from what I feel inside. It’s almost like a state of shock or numbness (I don't know if I'm explaining this well—it's hard to put into words, especially in English). This fading out helps reduce internal discomfort, but as a side effect, it brings demotivation, lack of desire, and a general drop in vitality. I become sluggish, distant, and emotionally unreachable—even to myself. I feel an internal void.

When I realize I’m in this vague and distant state, I want to regain vitality and excitement. The simplest, fastest, and most "controlled" way to do that is through P&M.

At the end of this cycle, I hit rock bottom, meaning I reach a certain shlemut  of self—I wake up (though unfortunately through a harmful process)—and from there, I can rise again.

So what I’m really seeking is this shlemut, and thanks to this forum, I now realize that connection and communication are actually some of the best ways to regain that internal vitality and wholeness.

This is a deep explanation, and maybe I haven't expressed it perfectly, but perhaps someone reading this post will relate to it and better understand what’s happening within themselves.

Otherwise Day 15 clean!!

Day 16 and 17 clean !!

Mid-Sunday afternoon, I start having negative thoughts. I had a very nice but quite full Shabbat, with a lot of people at home on Friday night for dinner, plus we went to Seudah Shlish*t at my wife's family's place, and then a Halake on Sunday at noon.

Being quite introverted, I enjoy seeing people, but after a while, my cup overflows, and I need to recentre myself and spend some time alone. But now it's been an hour, and my internal discomfort isn't going down. Because of this, negative thoughts are starting to creep in.

I need to find something to do that will help me calm down. If anyone has been through this before and has any advice, I'd love to hear it.

Day 18 clean !!

Day 19 clean!!

Last night, I created the opportunity to see P directly and not just images on the internet. My wife wasn’t home last night, and the kids were asleep. Personally, I wasn’t in the best shape either—pretty tired...Then, all of a sudden, I had this urge to get a rush of excitement, not by starting small and gradually moving toward more shocking images, but directly craving P. I sent a message to my wife, asking her to change a setting on my phone filter, making up some excuse—no internet, an update...And then, I jumped straight into the hardcore stuff. But when I felt an erection coming, I stopped, put the filter back on, and put my phone down.That’s the little story but more important when I started writing this post, I wanted to lie and make up a fake story, saying the filter stopped working on its own and that I wasn’t the one who disabled it. Then I realized that if I’m doing all this just to lie, what’s the point? I need to be more authentic with my feelings.Also after I closed my phone to let the urge subside, I managed to separate my mind from my body. Meaning, I kept in mind my deep desire to create a reality that aligns with my life as a frum Jew and not to masturbate, while allowing the physical sensations—fatigue and the visceral urge to M—to pass on their own.Secondly, since keeping this journal, I’ve realized how often I go through phases of depression, fatigue, or stress—and how these always seem to be a precursor to a craving for P&M. I need to work on that too, and figure out how to create a life with less pressure. That part, I still don’t know how to do.That’s the story.Day 20 – not clean, but I haven’t broken the streak yet.

I hope you realize what a גיבור you are.. to catch yourself while watching P* and to overcome your strong urges - wow! It's like stopping an avalanche in the middle of rolling down a mountain... totally against חוקי הטבע. Very inspiring. Keep going my friend...

Wow!!  That's amazing.

I'd point out that using porn actually messes up our brains so much that our brains actually confuse boredom/stress and a load of other things with sexual arousal when in fact we are just bored.  Put it this way.... people that don't watch porn also get bored and stressed but that doesn't lead to arousal because.... their brains haven't been hacked. 

If you find this interesting, enlightening both or more feel free to PM me.

Day 21 clean !!