Dear all,
I keep on yoyoing up and off the 90 days chart, and I just never manage to fill the 90 days straight.
I am doing this now for about 10 years, tried everything and nothing helps me in
the end.
I don't know what to do: Help!

Hi, 
Ah freilichen Chanuka

You mentioned that you tried everything. 
Can you give us some examples of what you tried? 

There are many amazing people here who have been in your situation (myself I'm 117 days clean but before that was 24 years of the total opposite of clean) 
I am sure they will be able to give you the knowledge and tools to help you break free. 

Share more information with us. We would love to hear from you. 

Feel free to contact me. My info is below. 
I can put you in touch with some awesome people. 

All my love
Od Yossef Chai 

Someone mentioned on the forums recently that those of us that are "yoyoing" through the battle are VERY special. Without that motivation of being clean and still standing up after a fall to try again is amazing.

It seems it's your first time posting. Congratulations on the move! You won't regret it.

As a first please reach out to Hashem Help Me, he is a really special person who had similar struggles like us but has been clean for years. You can send him an email @ michelgelner@gmail.com. Send him your story and he will get back to you. He's helped hundreds here get back on track.

Wishing you the best of luck and please keep us updated.

welcome! To echo those who came before me, please give some examples of what you have tried in the past and what you are currently trying. Also have you been on GYE for 10 years? trying to stop for 10 years? or just swallowed in this struggle for 10 years?
Please feel free to reach out through text or a phone call, my number is in my signature.
Try the F2F program if you haven't yet and let me know how it goes.
Keep posting and keep on fighting warrior!

Dear Od Yossef Chai,
I tried the 90 days chart, I tried the Taphsik program, I tried giving myself fines of tsedakkah to pay for every fall, I tried buying myself presents, I tried getting in touch with someone else, I have been in therapy for years and keep talking with my therapist about it, and he also does not have a solution. Of course I have filters. In short: everything a man can come up with i tried, doesn't help. Right now I am trying for the second time in a row to fast monday and thursday in Showawin, and I am clean for a week now.

Any idea is welcome.
Poedel

Poedle my dear brother!!  Welcome to to the exclusive club of the most elite unite in klal yisroel the specialty unit were we use our commorodity to fight our falls  every soldien in our battalion is a general in his fight. And he leads the battle against it. We also have our senior advisors (@eeire  @ muttel @michelgelner)who it s not just encouraged to radio them but demanded as its necessary for the success of the battle.        You never fought with such a unit trust me it's a different battleground.       Hatslcha my brother !!   Welcome!!!            NO SOLDIER LEFT BEHIND

WOW! Fasting Monday and Thursday! That is amazing! A week clean another amazing thing! Keep it up!

Poedel wrote on 29 Jan 2025 07:05:

Honest question. 

How is fasting going to help you keep your hand out of your pants? 

Not trying to be facetious here. I love that description, "everything a man can come up with I tried." 

Been there too, buddy. Trying all sorts of weird things and hoping this time will fix it. Cold showers, accountability, knas, oaths, punishments. Whatever.

Turns out there are ways out. Though trying random spiritual shortcuts is not the way.

Stick around, post, make friends, get honest, learn, connect.

You can do this.

Poedel wrote on 29 Jan 2025 07:05:

Poedel,
I can't tell you that fasting monday and thursday won't be beneficial.  It is possible that this will inspire you.  However, i would be wary about relying on that or any one thing to be "the" solution.  Any method that works is at the end of the day a gift from hashem and perhaps in your case sincere fasting (and davening) will open up the faucet of hashpa'a from hashem to give you the strength to overcome these nisyonos. 

In my experience, focusing on the positive side of things is generally helpful to anyone who can do that.  This includes counting your wins, not your falls.  Celebrating your wins.  Not focusing on falls and moving on from them without giving them significance. 
It is important to constantly remind yourself that the value of your struggle to be clean is not measured by your success in doing so.  Rather, the value is measured by the actual effort that you put in.  Do not let yourself be depressed or feel badly when what you are doing does not seem to work.  Take pride in your tenacity in getting back up each time and resolving to keep up the fight.  
There is tremendous growth inherent in one that continues to push back against the yetzer hara and does not just throw in the towel.  sometimes we don't recognize that growth on our own.  coming here and talking to the chevra on a regular basis may help you recognize that growth.  If you haven't tried this yet, i suggest that you get a clicker and count only the wins, each time you resist a temptation to look or go where you don't belong.  Doing this should help you focus on the positive.  
It may also be helpful to spend a few minutes each day listening to the daily vayimaen and/or reading a few pages from The Battle of the Generation.

wishing you the best hatzlocha
vehkam

Dear Chosemyshem,
To tell you the truth, I haven't touched myself since december 2018, in any way. I go to the mikweh on a regular basis, I have spoken to people on the phone, everything possible I have tried. You want me to be honest? I am addicted, that's the dead honest truth. And you want to know what I am addicted to, if I don't touch myself? I am communicating with a Shin Dalet, and she is having s** with me, and she needs p**n to get in the mood. There you have it, now you would in my eyes be the greatest Chacham if you can get me out of the brothel of hers, because that what she is seducing me to enter every now and then. But mind you, I am not always there, only every now and then. I have changed my streak on the chart for technical reasons, but before I had about 3800 plus days clean, not in a row, but as a total. And I am also communicating with an angel, called Layla, maybe you've heard of her? Call me mad if you like (in which case you should leave me alone), but I am in this place in my life, this is my reality, and I am trying to get that Shin Dalet of my back, and am barely succeeding. So dear Chosemyshem, do you think you have it to help me? I hope so, because I really need help!

Sincerely,
Poedel

Poedel wrote on 30 Jan 2025 14:24:

Is Layla the frum version of Lilith? Dude, share her number, enough of the gatekeeping! 

Seriously though, your pain is palpable...and relatable. 

Even though you've tried everything, the point the guys above are trying to say is, stick around here a bit. Whatever that "GYE dust" may be, it tends to rub off on you after a while.

A beaten path DOES exist out there that will help you help yourself, whether on or off this forum. You will find it if you look for it.

Dear Poodle, (It just makes more sense in my mind, I dont know what Poedel means)

I feel your frustration and anguish screaming off of my screen. Believe all of us when we tell you, WE HAVE BEEN THERE! Not everyone went thru exactly the same, But ALL of us were once convinced that there is NO WAY out of this! After trying for many moons and getting nowhere. 
But lots and lots of people have found that by working the steps on GYE like the F2F, posting, connecting with others on the phone, works wonders. And were finally able to get some traction. Yes, we still struggle sometimes mightily, but we know that its IS possible to get a handle on this to some degree and to grow that capacity slowly but surely. 

Stop fasting, its not good for you. Tzhuva means anything that will get you to be closer to Hashem, the word Tshuva literally means return! 
So if you feel that by eating a huge breakfast it will help you stay clean, please do that! 
Then if you want to cleanse your soul, start talking to Hashem in your own language, talk, yell, cry, scream, whatever it takes, when you feel lighter you can stop. 

Stick around and enjoy the ride, I do sometimes. Its like a roller-coaster, sometimes you scream gleefully, sometimes in terror, and sometimes you throw up and want to get the heck off this thing.........

My friend I don't know how you ever resist   not sure if i would be able to if I was in your situation . Asherechaa!!!!     You sed you reached out to ppl.  Was it a real relationship or it was more of a one time call expecting a quick fix answer.   Cause thetachlis of calling someone is to open up to them and really developed a close kesher (which I've done  and had the strength to walk out of a you know what yesterday )but only caise I knew id have to tell my friends after. So reach out and really stay in close touch at least till your enough days clean ...

Dear Chosemyshem,

Layla, for those who don't know is a real angel, she is known in the Midrash as the angel who fought with Abraham atgainst the 5 kings. She is also the angel who is responsible for the birth of children, and teaches the foetus torah in the womb. Search "the angel Lailah (or Layla)" in google, you can find her there. And yes, she is the eternal enemy of Lilith. But thank you for your support! I can use it!

Yours,

Poedel.

Dear Changy,
Poedel is the Dutch word for Poodle, so no, I don't mind you calling me that. And I talk to Hashem on a daily basis, I pray three times a day in a minyan, and I did teshuvah for every sin so far besides this one. it is really hard when porn is so available to you! "Its just a shot away" to quote the Rolling Stones, or in this case: it's just a click away. As to the fasting: it gives me strenghth, so I would like to continue with it. But any other suggestion is welcome!
Yours,
Poedel