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End game journey 90 days
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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Re: End game journey 90 days 22 Sep 2024 17:57 #422068

  • rocky21
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Day 19 is clean but not feeling confident at all 
I'm on my way home now feeling down even tho I had a amazing day, I fainly reached out to yiftach and that was amazing we spoke for almost a hour (I highly recommend reaching out and calling someone if you haven't)  and I hade a amazing fun day but I'm feeling down because I didn't take the steps I should have tekn to day with working with the girl for 12 hours straight I obviously didn't do anything bad but we spoke Alot and about deep things and I really feel like I helped her out but I think that my urges juts become stronger from that and I'm beating myself up for not running away from her and we'll just talking and laughing like humans but getting my urge stronger and I just feel down 

Re: End game journey 90 days 22 Sep 2024 21:29 #422078

I feel very bad that your not happy with yourself. Its crazy painful to not be confident in yourself. But what I can say is WOW you spent 12 hours with a girl and kept clean like you wrote "I obviously didn't do anything bad".Though you right "obviously" didn't do anything, you should be very proud of yourself. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Any voices in your head telling you "your not doing good" is straight from the yetzer hara trying to pull you down. Once he has you down he can get you to do anything. So for your own good keep your spirit high because truthfully your 19 days clean. That's a heck of alot of days to be clean with an unfiltered device. Most of us over here probably can not say they would get a 19 day streak with an unfiltered device.

Keep Trucking and Good Luck Moving Forward!

Re: End game journey 90 days 22 Sep 2024 22:57 #422081

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rocky21 wrote on 22 Sep 2024 17:57:
Day 19 is clean but not feeling confident at all 
I'm on my way home now feeling down even tho I had a amazing day, I fainly reached out to yiftach and that was amazing we spoke for almost a hour (I highly recommend reaching out and calling someone if you haven't)  and I hade a amazing fun day but I'm feeling down because I didn't take the steps I should have tekn to day with working with the girl for 12 hours straight I obviously didn't do anything bad but we spoke Alot and about deep things and I really feel like I helped her out but I think that my urges juts become stronger from that and I'm beating myself up for not running away from her and we'll just talking and laughing like humans but getting my urge stronger and I just feel down 

Hey rocky, I'm sorry you're feeling low. But you really shouldn't feel that way. You're doing amazingly well and Hashem can see everything that you're going through and no doubt that he is immensly proud of you!Re that girl, I think you're right that next time you shouldn't be speaking to her for a long time, better to run away because it can get you to a place which you don't want to be in... 
So stay strong because you really are a very strong guy! 
You can do it! Keep up your great work even when it's hard. And sometimes it's sooooo hard. But it's worth it.
My favourite resources:
1. "זאת בריתי". hebrewbooks.org/56572 (PM me for a sharper version)
2. "שערי גדולה". hebrewbooks.org/48344
3.  guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

My journey: Emunah struggles, Celebrating a fall, I'm fed up(main thread), I'm drowning, Tips for Shmiras Einayim.

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 12:13 #422125

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20 days clean 
Yesterday I was sure I was going to fall like 98% sure but I just didn't have the strength to deal with my depressed self after I fall so I worked out and didn't watch 
Today I really want to and wish I can just watch and not have to feel bad afterwords to bad that's not possible so hopefully I get this W 
Not really much to look forward to lie I literally have 3 days stright of 12 hour shifts coming up not so fun

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 14:19 #422138

  • rocky21
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Just wanted to add that the past 3 times I have failed it came after 6 days of stright urges and today is my 5th
Also it's so not fair that drug and alcohol addicts when they recover can say ya I was to be a alcoholic and that's like cool but as even after bh we recover we can't say I used to be a porn addicted cause everyone will be like wow what a perv this guy was so like wth

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 14:35 #422142

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Not true at all! The people here are not shy nor embarrassed at having a yetzer hara they did not choose and fought it. 

I know the feeling of loneliness but don't let it get you down. Stay on here and keep posting. I'm at 22 days and have not had that it 15 years. May Hashem bless you with the strength to win this long long personal battle and war. 

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 14:53 #422143

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rocky21 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 14:19:
Just wanted to add that the past 3 times I have failed it came after 6 days of stright urges and today is my 5th
Also it's so not fair that drug and alcohol addicts when they recover can say ya I was to be a alcoholic and that's like cool but as even after bh we recover we can't say I used to be a porn addicted cause everyone will be like wow what a perv this guy was so like wth

To echo what OdYosefChai said. You just have to make sure you are sharing with a safe person, but anyone with a brain in their head should respect you for your accomplishments.

Six straight days of urges does not sound fun. Instead of pushing through it (which is great and shows a lot of strength) perhaps work on a way to have the urge melt away. Have you read the Battle of the Generation? Or listened through Dov's 12 step workshops? 

One day at a time brother. Today, just for today, accept that your having an urge, recognize that you don't have to give in today, and ask hashem to help you fight the urge and come close to Him.

Hatzlach! Keep on inspiring us!

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 15:49 #422158

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Go to 10 random shabbbos tables and say I'm a recovering alcoholic most people would be wow good job try saying I'm a recovering porn addicted and look at there faces it's just a fact that people think that one should be above this 

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 15:50 #422159

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Thank you! And no I have not read the book yet
Odaat

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 15:53 #422162

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rocky21 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 15:49:
Go to 10 random shabbbos tables and say I'm a recovering alcoholic most people would be wow good job try saying I'm a recovering porn addicted and look at there faces it's just a fact that people think that one should be above this 

Go ask 10 random couples and tell them you are a recovering SA. The women will be horrified, the men will be kicking themselves that you managed to kick the habit and they are still suffering from it!!!

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 16:09 #422163

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odyossefchai wrote on 23 Sep 2024 15:53:

rocky21 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 15:49:
Go to 10 random shabbbos tables and say I'm a recovering alcoholic most people would be wow good job try saying I'm a recovering porn addicted and look at there faces it's just a fact that people think that one should be above this 

Go ask 10 random couples and tell them you are a recovering SA. The women will be horrified, the men will be kicking themselves that you managed to kick the habit and they are still suffering from it!!!

To paraphrase something I once heard .... 

The only difference between a fellow with kedusha struggles and one without, is the fellow with kedusha struggles is honest and the other guy is not
May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career

Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com


The Red Face
Last Edit: 23 Sep 2024 19:28 by redfaced.

Re: End game journey 90 days 23 Sep 2024 18:40 #422172

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rocky21 wrote on 19 Sep 2024 09:57:
Like I promised we got that W yesterday after a tough battle only thanks to you guys and your kind words
Today I did the same thing  I searched a couple of things without pressing on them like there isn't a anything more "playing with fire then that" I'm telling myself get passed this day and Friday and shabbbos are always easy so just keep strong for today but at the same time I hear th YH saying "buddy you searched so that's some sort of failing so juts press it and restart" but no no YH you can't fool me you @#$$_#

Brother Rocky,
I was learning Gemara this morning, mesechta Menachos 44a, and immediately thought of you. Here is an article I found that summarizes the story:

“Once a man who was most scrupulous in observing the mitzvah of tzitzit heard that there was a prostitute across the sea who charged 400 golden dinars” (Menachot 44a).  The unnamed man prepaid and scheduled an appointment. “She arranged seven beds for him, six of silver and one of gold. Between each and every one of them there was a ladder made of silver, and the top bed was the one that was made of gold”. As the prostitute lay naked on the bed of gold, the man began to undress. While doing so, his tzitzit “hit him in his face, and he went and sat on the floor”. She, too, went to sit on the floor, demanding to know “what defect he saw in her”. He responded by taking an oath proclaiming he had never seen a women as beautiful as she—the implication that this was not his first encounter with a prostitute is left unstated—but regarding the mitzvah of tzitzit, the Torah twice tells us that, “I am the Lord your G-d: I am the one who will exact punishment and I am the one who, in the future, will grant reward.”

The tzitzit were most successful in helping that "you do not follow your heart and eyes in your lustful urge” (Bamidbar 15:39). “She then said to him, ‘I will not allow you to go until you tell me: What is your name, and what is the name of your city, and what is the name of your teacher, and what is the name of the study hall in which you studied Torah?’ He wrote the information and placed it in her hand”. The prostitute was so impressed that she took her possessions—and at 400 golden dinars for a day’s work, they were substantial—and gave one-third to the government and one-third to the poor. Presumably, her payment to the government was for the taxes on undeclared income. One cannot give tzedakah to the poor with monies owing to others.

She then entered the Beit Midrash of Rav Chiya and asked—actually, demanded—that Rav Chiya convert her. He responded: “My daughter, perhaps you have set your eyes on one of the students”.  She then handed him the piece of paper from the man—apparentaly a student in the yeshiva— and Rav Chiya, presumably after first converting her, responded, “’Go take possession of your purchase’. Those same beds that she had arranged in a forbidden fashion, she now arranged in a permissible fashion”. 

No matter how pious we may be, we are all susceptible to sin. Yet we all have the ability to overcome our desire to sin, even at the last moment. It may be very expensive—surely, he did not expect a refund—and time consuming, but it is well worth it. In fact, sincere teshuva can make a major impact on others, even those who have spent a lifetime in sin. And at times, it is the simplest of things that can inspire us to do better. For some, it is the strings of the tzitzit, while for others it may be the Magen David around their necks, or a summer trip to Israel.

The Gemara concludes, “this is the reward given to him in this world; in the World to Come, I do not know how much”. We can never fully know the significance of our actions—but impact they do.


So, while it's definitely not recommended to play with fire, you didn't follow through. You started to ascend the ladder and stopped. The YH wants you to give in, because you are about to accomplish some insane restraint. The reward you must have for that is unbelievable. 

We need to fight smart and try to avoid wrestling with the YH, but when things do go down, the tougher the battle the bigger the W.

This fellow ended up getting the object of his test. That's not the point. What really happened is he chose Hashem and Life and got something permanent in place of a temporary indulgences. Whatever Hashem has in store for you, it is endlessly better than anything that can be found 'searching' on the internet.


You are going through an immensely difficult phase. KOMT and crushing the YH!

Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
The yetzarim a person has the most trouble dealing with are his most powerful God-given tools for developing his potential and achieving shleimus.
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
It doesn't matter how big the number is, only that today it is going up by one.

A little about what I'm doing here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412971-I-Want-to-Help-Others

Re: End game journey 90 days 24 Sep 2024 17:13 #422233

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Thank you so much for such a wonderful peice of gmarea and thank you for taking the time to write that

Re: End game journey 90 days 24 Sep 2024 17:14 #422234

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I don't think "the men" is wright to say cause not all men have this problem 

Re: End game journey 90 days 24 Sep 2024 17:17 #422235

  • rocky21
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21 days clean 
Last night when I had a wild urge I said let's "test" this see if this is really a את רצון and so I asked for Hatzlacha making money and two hours later one of the shares I had sky reacted and I made a very nice amount so that was really cool
Besides that I'm not feeling so great and really want to give in but I don't have the strength to deal with my depressed self so trying to fined ways how not to be depressed afterwords lol
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