Like I promised we got that W yesterday after a tough battle only thanks to you guys and your kind words
Today I did the same thing
I searched a couple of things without pressing on them like there isn't a anything more "playing with fire then that" I'm telling myself get passed this day and Friday and shabbbos are always easy so just keep strong for today but at the same time I hear th YH saying "buddy you searched so that's some sort of failing so juts press it and restart" but no no YH you can't fool me you @#$$_#
I was learning Gemara this morning, mesechta Menachos 44a, and immediately thought of you. Here is an article I found that summarizes the story:
“Once a man who was most scrupulous in observing the mitzvah of tzitzit heard that there was a prostitute across the sea who charged 400 golden dinars” (Menachot 44a). The unnamed man prepaid and scheduled an appointment. “She arranged seven beds for him, six of silver and one of gold. Between each and every one of them there was a ladder made of silver, and the top bed was the one that was made of gold”. As the prostitute lay naked on the bed of gold, the man began to undress. While doing so, his tzitzit “hit him in his face, and he went and sat on the floor”. She, too, went to sit on the floor, demanding to know “what defect he saw in her”. He responded by taking an oath proclaiming he had never seen a women as beautiful as she—the implication that this was not his first encounter with a prostitute is left unstated—but regarding the mitzvah of tzitzit, the Torah twice tells us that, “I am the Lord your G-d: I am the one who will exact punishment and I am the one who, in the future, will grant reward.”
The tzitzit were most successful in helping that "you do not follow your heart and eyes in your lustful urge” (Bamidbar 15:39). “She then said to him, ‘I will not allow you to go until you tell me: What is your name, and what is the name of your city, and what is the name of your teacher, and what is the name of the study hall in which you studied Torah?’ He wrote the information and placed it in her hand”. The prostitute was so impressed that she took her possessions—and at 400 golden dinars for a day’s work, they were substantial—and gave one-third to the government and one-third to the poor. Presumably, her payment to the government was for the taxes on undeclared income. One cannot give tzedakah to the poor with monies owing to others.
She then entered the Beit Midrash of Rav Chiya and asked—actually, demanded—that Rav Chiya convert her. He responded: “My daughter, perhaps you have set your eyes on one of the students”. She then handed him the piece of paper from the man—apparentaly a student in the yeshiva— and Rav Chiya, presumably after first converting her, responded, “’Go take possession of your purchase’. Those same beds that she had arranged in a forbidden fashion, she now arranged in a permissible fashion”.
No matter how pious we may be, we are all susceptible to sin. Yet we all have the ability to overcome our desire to sin, even at the last moment. It may be very expensive—surely, he did not expect a refund—and time consuming, but it is well worth it. In fact, sincere teshuva can make a major impact on others, even those who have spent a lifetime in sin. And at times, it is the simplest of things that can inspire us to do better. For some, it is the strings of the tzitzit, while for others it may be the Magen David around their necks, or a summer trip to Israel.
The Gemara concludes, “this is the reward given to him in this world; in the World to Come, I do not know how much”. We can never fully know the significance of our actions—but impact they do.
So, while it's definitely not recommended to play with fire, you didn't follow through. You started to ascend the ladder and stopped. The YH wants you to give in, because you are about to accomplish some insane restraint. The reward you must have for that is unbelievable.
We need to fight smart and try to avoid wrestling with the YH, but when things do go down, the tougher the battle the bigger the W.
This fellow ended up getting the object of his test. That's not the point. What really happened is he chose Hashem and Life and got something permanent in place of a temporary indulgences. Whatever Hashem has in store for you, it is endlessly better than anything that can be found 'searching' on the internet.
You are going through an immensely difficult phase. KOMT and crushing the YH!