Well life sucks. But at least it's relatively short.

Been sheepish about posting this, but it's been a baaaaaaad week. 

No motivation to make it stop being bad. 

Thank you Hashem for shabbos, and for not being in a place where I have a nisayon to watch on shabbos.


Totally and completely unrelated. I've been seeing bumper stickers (from Oorah?) that say "Hashem Needs Every Yid". This is actual literal kefira. Hashem does not need every Yid. Hashem does not need anything. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Though He doesn’t need anything, 
He mysteriously desires, 
And the Yiddin that he’s awaiting,
Include those who can’t see why,
For there’s a spark beneath the maelstrom,
That’s yet burning from on high, 
and the knowledge of His wanting,
                   ….could perhaps inspire.

הנה קל ישועתי אבטח …..
כן יהי רצון לך ידידי,

Here’s wishing you a Gut Voch,
חיים

chaimoigen wrote on 04 Jan 2025 23:28:

One of the piyutim we say on Yom KIppur is full of that. How he has endless malachim and others who sing shira to him but he DESIRES us who have struggles.
Than being said, Shem is pointing out hashem does not need us. He wants to be meitiv with us. It is for our benefit to  do the right thing.

jollylemur95 wrote on 05 Jan 2025 01:13:

Yes, it is Asher Ometz in the Shacharis chazara (page 398 in the classic Artscroll with English). Hashgacha one of my Rebbeim pointed me to it last week. 

Kol Tov. 

They could've said Hashem wants every Yid. I'd have no problem with that. Heck, they could've said Hashem wants every goy too and I wouldn't have a problem with that. Why'd they go with needs??

Hashem wanting me is certainly inspirational.

Unrelated edit: Was just going to kill some time online and I realized I blocked all my fave time-wasting entertainment sites (but-for GYE).
I think that's the best use case for a filter actually.

BenHashemBH wrote on 05 Jan 2025 02:32:

Just for the record, it's in Mussaf too ;-) 

A baal mussaf that couldnt resist,
Muttel

Checking in I guess.

Unproductive week. I've been in snow day mode. B"h been clean so far. 

Noticing that I've been very grumpy recently, especially towards my wife. Now, she has been doing something recently that annoys me, but I don't think that's a great excuse.

(Normally I dislike speaking negatively about my wife, even on here. But this is too relevant to not mention. Humorously enough, what she's been doing that annoys me is staying up late watching Youtube. It. Drives. Me. Crazy. I think it's some funny combination of jealousy and "kol haposel b'mumo posul".)

Been trying to think why I've been getting so annoyed. Definitely a lot of it has to do with not feeling good about myself with the recent relapse. That results in picking on others to vent. I think there's also an element of a fantastic idea I heard from Rabbi Tatz once that people instinctively try to make the outer world align with their inner world. So inner turmoil results in trying to pick fights for outer turmoil. 
I think a part of it also has to do with being on edge from urges. Doesn't help that I've run out of one of my favorite self-soothing mechanisms (kosher dip) and my wife is resisting me restocking. 
I also strongly suspect that I'm trying to push her away to give me space/freedom/justification to act out.

Armchair Freudian self-diagnoses aside. The point is that if I keep on feeling angry/resentful towards her I'll inevitably act out. There's no question at all about that. I've been trying to let go of the resentment and asking Hashem for help. The SA formulation of analyzing the root middah at issue and davening for Hashem to help take away the resentment so there's space to connect to Him is pretty powerful.

The problem is it takes a lot of energy to do that. Much easier to sit quietly and stew. And I'm having trouble really letting go - meaning I can let it go/surrender the resentment but still find myself getting upset about the same things when they happen again.

Work in progress.

Unrelated point. I've been thinking about green circle activities and my lack thereof. It's a complicated problem. Mostly, I just want to veg in my free time (which is pretty limited). Vegging is inherently a yellow circle activity. I feel like if you'd draw a Venn diagram of things I enjoy, things I would practically do during downtime, and things that are constructive leisure activities there'd be no overlap. 

On top of that, my biggest area of struggle is at work. I can't exactly get busy golfing in my office (or whatever it is y'all fineshmekkers with healthy recreational activities do).

Perhaps the green circle is not a relevant tool for this aspect of the struggle. Perhaps also I'm being too nitpicky about what is a healthy activity or what activities I should invest my time in. 

At the end of the day, pretty much anything would be a better use of time than porn or filter poking.

chosemyshem wrote on 03 Jan 2025 19:24:

Ha ha, I saw it this morning and thought the same!!! If only they replace the word "needs" for "wants" - Hashem wants every Yid.

Don’t mean to nitpick, but could you please consider using the words “recent falls” instead of “recent relapse”? 

I’m not suggesting that you ignore the fact that you fell into behaviours and negative patterns that have you have been struggling with in the past, and that you still continue to struggle with. Nothing exists in a vacum. Yet, the existence of every moment is independent. And every struggle and Nisayon is particular and unique. Your recent and current Nisyonos are specific to the moment. You’re not the same guy you were a few months ago. Take lessons from the past and apply them to today’s day-tight compartment.  

On the other notes: working on releasing resentme is hugely important. Hazlacha for the cogent way you are articulating it, and Hazlacha on following through. 

One more thought: 
At the risk of going out on a limb I would float the idea that there are people who have a hard time with constructive leisure activities because they feel that “leisure” and “constructive” are contradictory at some level. For such a guy, perhaps the thing to look for are activities that engender positive-energy-building-constructiveness, to replace the energy drain of things like work that must be done but don’t build energy…. 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim

Love your brutal honesty and self awareness, I very much relate to this.

chosemyshem wrote on 03 Jan 2025 19:24:

And here is the Psak Halach from the Oorah Rav himself
matzav.com/rav-chaim-mintz-does-hashem-need-every-yid/

redfaced wrote on 09 Jan 2025 14:07:

There is  a vort that is said in the name of the kedushas levi that when chazal say schar mitzvah, mitzvah it means that yesod. It is a mitzva to get schar  because HKBH wants to be meitiv with us. Rav Chaim Voleziner in ruach chaim says the same yesod to explain the gemara sota that Moshe rabainu wanted to go in to eretz yisroel to do the mitzvos and get schar. He wanted to get schat because that is what Hashem wants. (there is more to say on the topic but I think that is enough for now)
That being said, Shem was saying (I think) that it sounds like he needs us for his own purposes. That is of course not true as he needs nothing. He has everything. It is us who need things and he wants to give us.

redfaced wrote on 09 Jan 2025 14:07:

Thank you for posting that. I was actually tempted to reach out to Rabbi Mintz so you saved me some effort.

I like how he started off saying "needs mean wants". I don't want to waste more brain space on this, but I think his pshat is shlugged up by the song. The song asks "Why am I needed, there's so many others besides for me"?
Meaning the makshan is asking what is my unique purpose in life that can't be accomplished by someone else?

And the teretz is "Hashem needs every Yid". That is not saying Hashem's ratzon to be meitiv would be unfulfilled in any way if I didn't exist. It's poshut the song is saying that my purpose in life is to fulfill part of Hashem's plan in a unique way. And that is certainly hashkafically incorrect - each individual is not needed since Hashem's plan will be perfectly fulfilled regardless. 

And you can get all fancy talking about "ein melech b'lo am" and whatever you want. But just saying Hashem needs every Yid definitely sounds like kefira. 

Why do I exist?

I would venture to say that Hashem has neither needs nor wants. He has a will. His will is that I should live. His will is that I should try my best to achieve the potential that he built into me and me alone. It's not about what someone else could do. As long as I'm here, the world cannot exist without me. G-d does not waste.

chosemyshem wrote on 08 Jan 2025 16:33:

But it's relevant for a different struggle.
The struggle to close that darn pop-up that keep insisting upon itself.