Hi Friends,

I'm starting this topic as my personal journal where I will Be"h share my thoughts, update on my progress and also ask for help. 

I'm now 30yo, married and have a few children BH. My Kedusha struggle came together with puberty - age 12. Before that I knew I was not supposed to touch my private parts but as the hormones kicked in, I grew curious. Right after my Bar Mitzvah it was the first time I have put my hands down there - and it's still there almost 20 years later. Being a very reserved and isolated kid, I wasn't able to confide to anyone about my struggles and I didn't know if I was normal and if things that came out of my body was okay. I felt tremendous guilt and shame; I had no way to know that I was normal. That got me in to more trouble. At 15-16 I got involved with other Bocherim and couldn't get out of it. When I changed Yeshiva's I was hopeful about staying clean but it wasn't so. I was attracted to other Bocherim and masturbating almost daily (or multiple times a dat. I once tried staying clean for 40 days hoping it will change the habit, and was clean for 50 days. On day 50 I had a wet dream and I was so disappointed by it so I fell back all the way. 

The next time I felt hopeful was at my wedding (age 20). I wasn't Matzliach in Kollel and felt horrible with myself. Together with marriage issues, I fell badly and was for the first time exposed to porn. My mental health together with Yiddishkeit began spiraling downwards. I also started getting involved in chatting and lots of other garbage. At this point I still have not shared any of this to anyone on the planet.
Fast forward, I lost my job and almost my wife and almost my life, and reached an all-time low. I officially became atheist and was living a double-life... no davening, no shabbos... My whole life was about to fall apart so I started looking for a therapist. After 3 therapist I didn't like I found someone I connected to. It was very difficult to open up to another person, but slowly I did it.

Therapy has kept things from not getting worse, but I wasn't making serious progress in terms of healing. Until I came across some great Mashpia/Rebbe that I connected to very well. Over a few years I started seeing real progress. Eventually I was, for the first time, able to connect to a Davening and to Hashem and I became very hopeful about a good future. 

After 3 years of being in this new reality, it felt as if I can never fall back again to my Yiddishkeit problems. Although I still had P&M ups-n-downs, I didn't think I can fall lower than that. But last week has proved me wrong. I fell so badly! But this time I have what to look back at and be reminded that I can still get back up!

Reb yid

Welcome. 
You're struggle may have been very hard for you to share and I commend you for doing so, but it is not that different from many others on this site. 
(If you would have told me that a few months ago, I wouldn't have wanted to hear it but it's true) 

Please continue to share your story, as hard as it may be. Many people here will be able to relate to you, to sympathize with you, and to provide you with warmth and love on your journey. 
May Hashem give you the strength to fight this battle and be victorious. 

You are amongst people that will care about you so please reach out to them. They will help you just as they helped me. 
With tremendous Hatzlacha
Odyossefchai

Hashem has withheld this information from me for so many years! I never knew I was not so different. As much as I think- if only I would know I'm normal so many of the issues would've been prevented - I know this was Hashems plan, and I can't imagine it being any other way.

Thank you for your support!

I still remember when touching my privates felt like Miktzah. But I lost that feeling. Nowadays, as long as I'm not actively seeking out P&M, I'm okay with touching. How can I get my Yiras Shamayim back?

Dear GYE Brother!

I, along with many, dealt with the same struggles as you and BH have overcome them. You can too! GYE is hope. 
Hope to break free.
Hope to live a fulfilling and satisfying life.
Hope to be consistent in behavior.
Hope to be a frum Yid all the time.

Stay strong!

Muttel

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 03 Nov 2024 21:44:

1) focus on how much hashem loves and cares about you, no matter what you have done until now.  hashem still wants you and believes in you.  Hashem loves you more than anyone else could possibly ever love you 
2) mirror that love back to hashem.  Once you convince yourself that hashem loves you unconditionally this love back to hashem will hopefully come naturally.  Accept that hashem wants your love even with any flaws you may have. 
3)use this relationship between you and hashem as motivation to live your life to fulfill ratzon hashem.  Stay on this site to learn practical tools of how to maintain that motivation and implement those tools on a daily basis.  

You may discover that you always had yiras shomayim. 

Muttel wrote on 03 Nov 2024 22:01:

Thank you Muttel for your words of encouragement 

vehkam wrote on 03 Nov 2024 22:34:

I hear what you’re saying but to be honest, I have a very hard time connecting to these words so not sure how practical it is in my current situation 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 04 Nov 2024 03:07:

Are your PMs open?

B"h another day past and we kept clean. I spoke to a friend and together we were mourning our struggles with this addiction and we asked the question, is this going to be a life sentence? Will there be a time that we will no longer fall back? Will I be clean till my 120, or will I fall back after 30 years of being clean?

The conversation got me thinking... why do I so desperately want to stay clean forever? Is it because I fear Hashem? Well, if it's for Hashems sake, why do I feel guilt and shame after a fall? That isn't the feeling Hashem wants me to feel. I know that. So obviously there's an ego inside me that doesn't want to have "P&M addiction" on my resume. It's about ME!

How about I accept the fact that Hashem wants me to fight this fight; and it might take for as long as I live? If only I would genuinely surrender to Hashem's plan I wouldn't have cared much about what's going to be and if I will ever be out of this! It would be nicer to be a Torah'dige Yid and be a Kadosh, but apparently Hashem has his Tzadikim and other people fulfilling these roles and Hashem specifically wants me to serve as a pawn and not be the king, or even the rook or the knight.

Imagine being clean for 15 years, how would that make me feel? Will I realize that Hashem has kept me clean for 15 years or will I think that it was ME doing the hard work? If Ch"v a person thinks for one second that HE accomplished anything, it's Kefirah!!!

Maybe I have to convince Hashem that I will always attribute all outcomes in my life, for the good and the bad, solely to him, and maybe then he'll allow me to stay clean forever???

Even if you haven't yet reached 15 years clean, you can be ok. 

I'm only two months in and my life is completely different. 
Probably 3-4 weeks in I already started seeing huge changes in my brain.
It's not that I didn't have urges, it's that my approach to life was completely different without thinking about P and M all day. 
I'm looking at my life as a regular person who has challenges in shmiras einayim (who doesn't!!) and as a person who used to have a P and M problem. 

I'm now at a stage where I can have a regular married life without thinking about P in my bedroom and without non stop lusting and using my wife as my masturbation tool. 
When we are together, she is much more engaged and involved. We aren't perfect but we are 10,000,000 miles ahead of where we were 3 months ago. 
Am I 100% clean? No 
Will I slip up? Maybe

But I don't walk around all day thinking about when the next time I can find 10 quiet minutes to watch P and M 
I also don't carry the horrible weight on my shoulders and all the anxiety that comes with it. 
You know how you feel right before and right after you do it. Gross. 
I don't have that anymore BH. 

odyossefchai wrote on 05 Nov 2024 18:45:

Very well said!

I have had longer streaks in the past and I definitely felt like a Mensch

I had some good conversation with some other GYE members in private and it came out that I have posted about my struggles in P&M but ignored the many other stuff. I don't know how important it is for me to share every type of Aveira I have done in the past but some of the things that still make me feel weird - P&M doesn't make me feel that way. On the other hand I don't want to be too explicit and am embarrassed to spell everything out exactly. In general, on GYE I see more people talking about P&M than having affairs or a bunch of other types of acting out.

Many of us have had other types of acting out (SSA, massage parlors, escorts, and the like). These usually intersect with core P&M issues but spelling them out (without using language that can trigger others) can help with healing.

KOMT!!!!

Muttel

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 05 Nov 2024 19:13:

There's a lot going on in my life that doesn't get shared on here. 
(You can share if you want but it's your thread so you get to choose.)

That's why the human connection is so important. 
You should be calling some of the pros here. 
Muttel, Chaim oigen, HHM (voted President every day of my life) and many others who can befriend you and listen to your story and share your pain. 
I would STRONGLY recommend reaching out and shmoozing. I carried around stuff inside my head for 25 years that I was able to share with some people on the phone. It helped me tremendously.