A psychiatrist would have a field day viewing the last 24 hours of posts in this place. And to think someone was asking for ideas of what to read......

DISCLAIMER - If you just joined GYE, the guys here are actually mentally stable and sane. Please do not be scared away. 

Dear HHM,
Being mentally stable and sane is what got us into this mess..... 
We are trying something closer to insanity and its working for a lot of us. 
We love it here and nobody is going to force us to become normal again.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Nov 2024 04:20:

I don't mean to be rude ( but I'm good at being unintentionally rude- if you remember) but speak for yourself, as I'm not feeling very sane right now

A gut voch to y'all.

Checking in while my wife is out partying at some melave malka.

I feel like I said everything I wanted to say in this post on Chaim's Oigen. Filter went briefly AWOL. Wife did something stupid that made me unhappy. And somehow, I didn't have to act out. I didn't have to view the open internet as an opportunity to be seized. I was able to realize that feeling resentful at my wife and the inevitable vengeful porn sesh would would only result in a whole lot of pain, and thank G-d was able to let it go.

Very glad to have the filter back on though. It feels like a railing around a cliff edge - yes I could jump or not regardless of the railing, but it feels secure to have that bit of protection.

B"h the truck is trucking along. I'm glad to be along for the ride.*

*Like absurdly, weirdly, start-tearing-up-with-happiness-during-random-weekday-davening glad.

Checking in to share a yesod someone shared with me.

I was texting one of the deep thinkers of GYE the other day, and I jokingly referred to GYE as "a community of people who can't keep their hands out of their pants." Which was perhaps out of line.

He corrected me though, and said GYE is not (just) a community of people who can't keep their hands out of their pants. It's a community of people who are honest about that.

I thought that was very true. Oh, people probably are not totally honest even behind the comfortable shield of anonymity. But what we have here is people being honest about the most painful and hidden parts of their life in an attempt to heal and become closer to HaShem. It's a spark of emes in a world of sheker. And that's pretty awesome.

I also wanted to correct an omission in my last post. I failed to thank the people who held my hand through the day or so with the filter off (yes, some handholding was needed   )
Thanks guys!

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Nov 2024 21:06:

I’d go for “Community of people who are holding each other’s hands, in a valiant and honest attempt to keep those hands where they belong, with a little help from their friends.” 

I know I’m long-winded sometimes

Anyways, Turkey-slug Kings don’t have hands, exactly. 

Checking in. Techloq gave up the ghost. Not particularly worried actually, but fully committed to getting something back on ASAP (confidence good, overconfidence very very bad).

Gonna give Gentech a call.

Other than that life is good. For me at least. Heard about a horrific case of abuse the other day and am convinced the Jewish nation is deeply, deeply sick. But that's not really relevant.

chosemyshem wrote on 20 Nov 2024 21:47:

And Gentech is on. Didn't work initially but the tech was able to tweak settings to make it work. Hopefully it'll keep on working.

I WILL NOT CHECK IF ALL THE LOOPHOLES I REMEMBER FROM TECHLOQ EXIST IN GENTECH. Posting for accountability

Looks like Gentech nuked the GYE chat actually. Nu. We all have to make sacrifices.

chosemyshem wrote on 20 Nov 2024 22:34:

For some reason I'm actually having a very hard time with this. The past few weeks have been beautifully smooth. But now I'm feeling strong urges to go filter poking. Not to watch porn or masturbate. Just to filter poke. 

Weird.

Yet not that weird really. Of course you don't want to watch porn. You're so past that! Now filter poking... there's a gateway drug if I ever heard one. This week was 'filter poke week' for me. Didn't end well. BH didn't outright fall, but I got a few scraped knees before the oilam here pulled me back up. Don't poke the hornets nest! Cuz there's always a hole. Always! So there, now that you know that, you don't have to go checking to 'make sure' it's secure...

My falls often were “just checking to make sure everything is ok”. I now see it for what it is, wishing I’d fall…. (R CO, you have a post about this I think)

Great point Muttel and IWL. Thinking about what you both wrote, I think I disagree with both of you. (My thread, I can disagree with whomever I feel like. So there!)

I am unfortunately well familiar with "check if it's okay as a subtle subconscious excuse to act out." And filter poking is my gateway drug of choice (I think filters during my formative years gave me some weird associations. Whatever, that's a different discussion.) But I think this wasn't primarily either of those things (it was definitely some of both).

I think the main thing going on was some serious resentment and entitlement over an extended/difficult niddah season. I was getting very fixated on poor depraved deprived me not getting what I "deserve" and am "owed". And I was feeling resentments and stress over work, over my kids, over all sorts of petty things. And I just wanted to escape. The new filter was the excuse for the feeling, but if not for that I would have been feeling it some other way.

Grateful for the Desperado's call that helped me think some of this through. And grateful for being sober enough to be able to think.

To put a finer point on it - sometimes the desire to act out is really a desire to escape.
And filter-poking can also be a way to escape that satisfies the urge to scratch the itch without (seemingly) giving in to what you don't want to, so it masquerades as a way to escape in which the cost is less than the benefit...

But giving in to the urge to escape is capitulation that leads 

D

  O 

    W

       N



I'm glad you choose not to, Shem. 

I'm glad I choose not to. 



Looking at living, even with pain, I am,

מאן דבעי חיים   

Had a thought, but didn't post it and then forgot it. It was really great though. Oh well.

Some random updates as a check-in.

Iy"h working on a comprehensive "how I got here" post for after I hit ninety (this week g-d willing). Trying not to focus on the streak; I think the streak is counterproductive long term. But for a very long time that was my goal, and it seemed utterly and completely impossible. And now I'm there. Blows my mind. 

B"h things are good. The truck is cruising along. Feeling a little less smooth, but cruising along nonetheless.

I'd like to work on a step four, if I can find someone willing to help me do it despite me not being in SA. I'm fully committed to continuing working on recovery, now that I have a few days of sobriety. Side point: I think the SA chiluk between sobriety and recovery is a definition that's sadly lacking on GYE. 

I went almost six years without being able to go through a niddah cycle without acting out (multiple times). And just went through three of them in about six weeks stone cold sober (more or less. Quite a lot of harchaka poking (this is like filter poking but irl). But still sober). If that's not progress idk what is. Thank the good lord.

That's all that's going on with me.

KOT boys.

chosemyshem wrote on 26 Nov 2024 21:54:

What I want to know is what are you drinking to celebrate?