Happy Birthday to me,
I feel so lonely,
Happy birthday dear Hopeful,
Finally a year clean.

Wow! Happy Birthday!!! What a way to celebrate your birthday!!! Why do you feel lonely?! Everyone is celebrating your birthday!!!
Mazel Tov on a year clean!!!
Happy Purim!!!

R hopeful MAZEL TOV. Your a real gem!!  Keep it up. 

OK, I've spent most of my day lusting, and now I have a choice to make: either continue the lusting now that my wife has gone to sleep and stay up way too late, and then have a bad day again tomorrow probably consisting of more lusting, or write up some of what's been going on and then go to sleep (hopefully the alcohol which I'm consuming in copious amounts right now will help with that).

Gratitude:
Thank you Hashem that:
1) I didn't Masturbate yet
2) I went to 2nd seder
3) My wife doesn't realize I'm spending hours a day trying to break through this damn filter
4) I have leftover wine to drink
5) I'm going to a meeting tomorrow
6) I have friends who reach out to me after reading my posts which basically say I'm half a step from masturbating for the first time in over 400 days
7) I don't feel like a total piece of garbage as bad as I used to
8) I have a happy and healthy family
9) I'm not dead broke and divorce
10) I didn't get caught yet

To quote macklemore: "If I can be an example of getting sober, I can be an example of starting over."
To be totally honest, the past year has not been clean from lust, and especially the past few months and the last couple weeks have been very lustful. I don't think it was totally great that I finally fell, but I do feel that until now i was teetering on the edge trying to just hang on, now I fell and am ready to get back up and reapply myself to working on myself.
Please hashem help me in my struggle and help those who are still struggling both on GYE and off GYE

Hurt to read this post. A fall doesn't negate the year of change that you lived. The determination that you're displaying to keep those changes progressing is inspirational and a real mchayiv. 

But that doesn't take away from the sorrow and pain of being back in something that had been somewhat in the rearview mirror. 

I don't really believe in the "Was struggling and now fell so now I can start over strong" feeling. That's just because in my own personal experience the fresh feeling of resolve lasts for somewhere between 30 minutes and 2 days and then it's back in the same struggle, except harder because of the post-fall feelings. YMMV. Not to put down your resolve to get back on your feet. That's an important resolve, and something you've been demonstrating with the steps you're taking. But to say that you can't can't count on that feeling lasting and you need to be on guard.

I guess if we're still allowed to quote Macklemore: "Stand for something or fall for anything / I'm sick, but it's game time / Ayy / The world's on fire and we don't own the water y’all

I have a few minutes before the vaad to throw my thoughts onto the screen.
I have several theories about what caused me to fall. But honestly they're just theories, and some of them are really raw truths about myself that are sometimes too hard to face.
In the past year there were many times, weeks and months, where I did not struggle at all with using P and M, at all. I would get frustrated, I would be in pain, I would feel alone, but I wouldn't go back to using because it just wasn't something I did anymore. I hadn't used in so long that the relationship in my brain between porn and pain relief was almost completely removed. But I was turning to other things, some healthy, some not so healthy, and I was always struggling to cope with basic life and the feelings and emotions that were coming up for me. Then I started to take some drinks in the street, starting small, second looks glancing for a few seconds. but it got longer and longer until I spent an hour driving and walking around just looking for women to look at. 
And i didn't feel so bad about it and label it as a problem because it wasn't porn.
And then it got back to the movies which I was trying so hard to move off of and which had in the past been my lust access and slippery slope to lust land.
And it was hours off watching trailer after trailer just searching for the next glimpse of something arousing.
And then it was a dirty movie.
And then it was a movie which was basically porn.
And then it was masturbating.

I could have stopped by the first steps, but it was too hard and I wasn't on top of myself and I needed something to help with the feelings I was having and lust was helping. But then I needed more and more, and then I couldn't stop.

There is more behind the scenes, insecurities which fuel this and certain actions which bring on feelings which need to be doused. But I'm not ready to face those truths yet.
Now it's time to just take some practical steps in the right direction and keep moving forward.

First things first: have my wife have the password to the computer so I can't just spend a whole day zoning out, and also it's easier to escape, just close the damn thing!
And last things last: One! Day! At! A! Time!

Was a hard week, and just spent the day feeling depressed and alone, white knuckling to not drink or watch movies. It's hard to see the light in the future when things are rough. I'm feeling unfulfilled and not productive as well as losing hope that I'll ever get better and be able to function in society the way I would like to. I wish I could reclaim those feelings of being relaxed and free which I had six months ago.