Day 82 
Clean bH

Just looked up the same thing as last night. I just messaged my filter company to block it

Looking_to_improve wrote on 06 Jul 2021 22:04:

Amazing!!!

You've been at this a while now and have never come this far right? Care to share with us what changed? What are you doing different that's working this time around? 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 07 Jul 2021 07:23:

Thank you

Honestly, the only big change that I made was switching my filter to gentech. I think I've fallen once since I changed, because I was still adjusting the settings to what I needed.Other than that, there's no real big changes that I can think of that I've made. I'm in contact with 2/3 other guys from GYE, 1 is a mentor and the others as friends, but I was doing this as well before I was clean for this long. 

That's mainly why I'm nervous about going home. I feel like much of my success has been because I am (overly) reliant on my filter, which I most likely won't be able to when I get back, when there's other devices around which aren't mine. I'm already having thoughts about how I would act out when I'm back...

Looking_to_improve wrote on 07 Jul 2021 08:58:

Case in point: I looked at that problematic site again today for the 3rd time while I'm waiting for it to be blocked (although I haven't masturbated)

Looking_to_improve wrote on 07 Jul 2021 12:57:

Do you have a plan?

wilnevergiveup wrote on 07 Jul 2021 18:14:

Yes, I started writing one up, if you go back a few posts you'll find it, but I'm not so confident that I'll be able to keep to it and stay clean. I'm already having thoughts about how to act out, what to look up etc when I get back

Day 83
Been trying to look up different things today, but didn't masturbate. I think I'm gonna speak to a Rebbe on Friday about going home

I masturbated this afternoon. I spoke to a friend during lunch a bit about feeling nervous about going back, and then I masturbated after mincha. I've been searching for nude pictures for the last 2/3 days. I've been speaking to my filter company, but I didn't have it blocked yet when I acted out. 
In the moment it didn't feel nice, it felt almost painful, but afterwards it was relieving to not have an overwhelming urge over me.

I'm trying to stay positive about it. I learnt a good afternoon seder afterwards. I thought I had a nice chiddush on the sugya, until I spoke it out with someone during night Seder (kshaim shekibalti schar al hadrisha, kach kibalti schar al haprisha)
One of the points my friend made what to try be more relaxed about my whole struggle, so I'm trying not to get too down about it for now. 


I also need to pay $74 (I signed up with $50, when everyone else started at $150)

I'll probs write more soon...

I want you to know that although you may be feeling down, but in Shamayim they are actually looking up at you. I don't doubt this for a second.
83 consecutive clean days from a bochur is an unfathomable achievement. We all constantly gain so much inspiration from you.
Never let anyone allow you to underestimate this. Your NOT back at "Square one", Your'e at square 83, you had a slight fall and you have the ability to continue from there.
Remember: more than the Yetzer hora wants you to fall, he wants you to stay down.

With tremendous awe & admiration,
Excellence. 

83 days from today is Simchas Torah. Match your streak and you can dance!

My dear friend, you have inspired me tremendously and many others as well. I have watched and will continue to watch your breathtaking journey in awe and admiration. Nothing has changed. You had a fall in an amazing and inspiring journey. I understand all your feelings, both the good and the... not so good. They are all 100% legitimate. Just don't let them stand in the way of your happiness, growth and the pure unadulterated truth.

I would like to pay half of your knas for you, as I have grown tremendously from watching your journey here on GYE. I will give $37 to tzedaka for you. You only have to give the other $37.

Rock on!!!!!

I just acted out again. Not feeling as positive as when I did the first time

Listen I haven't written for a while I have always been only a few days clean. Was on my way till 90 and stumbled on day 70. It's tough I know you really killed yourself.  you pushed the limits. Be proud. Calm down. Your a tzadik.  Don't listen to amy of the   Voices in your head that are you negative thoughts.  For me it's tough to watch people in this forum be hundreds of days clean and I try so hard and I just can't seem to do it. It's a struggle for me and if you're feeling  the same way I completelyI understand you but don't give up. You i mean we will succeed in the end.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 08 Jul 2021 23:35:

we both know that this is so normal after a fall, but it doesn't mean we can't get back up fast. The pleasure you will feel in a weeks time from now if you manage to stay clean will be amazing and allow you to feel very proud with yourself. Wev'e all been watching you on a daily basis, and you will lift up the spirits of so many jews out there.  It's not easy but wow, it is worth it.
For all you know, This is your true test, if you overcome this time you may be given the siyato dishmayo to finally achieve in a  tremendous way.

with love
excellence