Wow thanks for sharing that. It’s definitely not easy to talk about these things straight up. 

I’m really glad you were able work through your struggles with ssa. I daven every day that even if I fall to lust, I want that it should only be for women. I know it’s still not good either way, but at least lusting for women feels more normal.

בינוני wrote on 15 Jun 2021 12:21:

I remember before I called him about it, I emailed him a long message about it, and at the end I wrote something like this: 'it is very hard for me to press the send button, but it is beneficial so I'll do it' and after that I broke the ice and we spoke. 
And that really helped me tons. 
So no pressure (or maybe yeah pressure) but whenever you are ready I think you should give him a call and you'll see it's a world of a difference talking to someone straight up. 

Listen, I took the plunge, you could too!
Go for it

בינוני wrote on 15 Jun 2021 12:21:

I agree, I had similar feelings too. 
I was so disgusted about it.

Had another fall last night. I've realized that I am very most likely addicted to lust. Will bez"H be going to check out an SA meeting soon

Serious question: How do you guys that have hundreds of days clean do it? I feel like I would need to chop off my hand in order to even come close!

בינוני wrote on 17 Jun 2021 12:05:

Our Sages teach us that Yosef Hatzadik had complete Emunah - Faith and Trust - in his Higher Power, that G-d would rescue him from such a low point and bring him to a place where he could serve Hashem and His People. Yosef knew without a doubt that there was a DIVINE PLAN for him and that he had a greater DESTINY IN LIFE.

Let's learn the most profound lesson of all - that not only must we BELIEVE that a Power Greater than ourselves can restore us to Sanity (Step 2) andTurn our Will and our Lives over to the care of G-d (Step 3) - but also, like Yosef, we must  BELIEVE IN OURSELVES!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS IN G-D'S WORLD BY MISTAKE!  G-d did not create us to live a Rock Bottom Life! We were created to face whatever comes our way with total ACCEPTANCE - to recognize that no one, no experience and nothing can take away our G-d-given and unique talents.

Beinoni, the following may answer your question as it pertains to me.
170 days ago, I emailed the following to R' HHM:
Today, I am 79 days clean, and feeling good about it, b"H. I feel much better about myself, more like a mentsch, and more in control of myself. I don't feel as pulled around by my desires as I used to. Matters in the bedroom have also improved, and I have also not been pressuring my wife to be available as much as I used to, either - another benefit. Other things seem to go much better in my life when I'm clean, too; I seem to have less car troubles.
However, when I called you up about 75 days ago, I was not in a great place. I had been falling every few weeks over the 6 months leading up to my call. My clean streaks in that time ranged from 5 days long to 38 days long. I fell again at the end of Sukkos, despite it being just a couple of weeks after Yomim Noraim. Then, just a few days later, I almost fell again.
I was getting somewhat desperate, and knew I had to do something, so I called you up, for the first time in a while. You made a deal with me that if I could stay clean till Zos Chanukah - about 65 days, you would give me a substantial sum of money.
You offered me a choice of two deals, one easier, with a $100 reward, and one harder, with a $150 reward. I chose the harder deal. This included no stimulating myself physically by touching there at all, and no viewing technological stimulation. I also had to contact you every day, including erev Shabbos and motza'ei Shabbos, by texting you or calling you, to stay accountable.
Not sure I could do it, I started out. It was hard, but those first few weeks, the incentive of the large reward was a big help. I do not think I would have made it to where I am today, otherwise. I remember a few times when things were getting hard, the thought of the reward would cross my head. I even remember having the thought sometimes, I'll make it to Zos Chanukah, collect the reward, and then afterwards I can act out. Thankfully, some 65 clean days later, you renewed the deal with me for another 60 days or so, till Rosh Chodesh Adar. I hope by then I will be in an even better place.
The first aspect of the deal, staying totally clean, was very helpful for me. Totally stopping all stimulation, physical and technological, is a great way to stop the habitual thought patterns that I need the stimulation and release. If I would have only stopped partially, I think it would have been much harder to create new thought patterns about not needing it. Also, I probably would have fallen in the end. By stopping cold turkey, it allows for the slow formation of a new, much more beneficial habit.
However, stopping cold turkey is quite difficult. This is where the other two aspects of the deal, the large monetary reward, and contacting you daily, come in. The monetary reward - which I can really use - is a great incentive to stay clean, as I mentioned earlier.
The third aspect of the deal, contacting you every day, was also a great help for me. Hearing a text back is certainly mechazek me to keep going, and being in contact with you regularly makes it easier to call you whenever I need support or guidance.
Thank you so much for offering me this deal, and also for renewing it. Although I came a long way, I feel like I still have a long way to go in the process of rewiring my thought patterns.
I also appreciate the time you spend giving me your sound advice, perspectives, and support. I know you are a very busy person, and yet you make time to help me, too. Thank you very much.

eved41 wrote on 18 Jun 2021 01:28:

R' HHM is truly one of a kind. I am grateful every day that I had the courage to call him, and that he is in my life. Thank you HHM!!

Grant400 wrote on 18 Jun 2021 14:02:

Same here!!

Hi Thanks for you opennessss and honesty.
Please share your experience at the SA meeting.

5 days clean baruch Hashem
ODAAT but I bet this time I could make it to 90 days im yirtze Hashem.
Taivos are still strong as ever but yetzer hatov is also strong as ever.

Yay 7 days!
Think I'll celebrate by finally getting my stuff together bez"H. 

8th Day baby!!!

So have some good news and some bad news:
Good news is made it to 8 baruch Hashem yayyy. Also "eliminated" an "obstacle" that had been machshil me a lot. B"H been pretty matsliach with curbing the SSA; I either try to ignore it when it comes up or laugh it off as mishugas (a trick Reb HHM taught me).
Bad news is I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. Same old tzores so I'll spare you from having to hear them again

Stay strong my fellow giborim!

Just give it all you got!

Just fell after a 14 day clean streak. Usually when people tell me of their falls after such streaks, I would say they should celebrate their accomplishment in going so long. Now you'd think I would take my own advice; however not feeling so proud of myself at the moment and not in such a celebratory mood.

I legit can't even chap how people manage to go hundreds of days without mb. Maybe its just something wrong with me...

בינוני wrote on 06 Jul 2021 12:50:

It's always hardest to follow your own advice...