Had another fall. This time i was just simply weak. Nothing more to say. 
I’m never going to stop fighting but this guilt is eating away at me. 
Never going to stop fighting. The phone does not come to the bathroom.

Hey,
It's a tough battle.
If you haven't already, read your pros and cons as to why you want to stop and if you haven't written them down yet try to do so when you can.
It will help to regain the focus.
If you make a solid recommitment, this fall will not be for nothing.

Why not just put a filter on your phone?

Wishing you much success

Aaron,

You said you love music (I would not be able to live without music).

I am not a huge Nissim guy, but this particular song keeps me going.

youtu.be/b9c2ofjaLwQ

Meaningful and energizing.

Your fall happened. Now get up, my dear brother. And please check in tomorrow night (or at least PM one of us)! It is really really important to us and we feel anxious unless we hear from all of our brothers who are fighting...

90dys

My phone is whitelisted so I can’t access much plus I can’t delete browsing history which is a good deferent, I don’t do much on the browser. 
I’m going to get back up, there’s a fire in me that I know will help me prevail. 

Hey Aaron, it’s shtarkandemotional here:)! I would like to give my few sense on the struggle specifically off motzi zera levatalla, being someone who isn’t great (I have my weak moments and fall) but overall I’m clean! I have long streaks of being clean! Many months !! And then boom ! A fall! And then I have multiple falls and then another long streak clean! So, what worked for me is a life savor I believe it can work for tons of people we just need to try it but people are scared... scared they might not be able to control themselves and they’ll have a big bill at the end ..) but I’m coming from the same feelings u described... remember every single time I walked into a bathroom I had such an urge to fall! It never left me!! Until... I broke out of the nasty hole!!! The way it worked for me is this, I made a Kabbalah that every time I’m motzi zera... on purpose... I have to pay x amount... I wasn’t sure if it would work !?!? What about the crazy hard times?!?! But I gave it a shot!! I can send you the exact details of what I said in the kabbala and how it worked if your really interested... PLEASE let me know... I’m telling you chevra this saved my life in ruchnius and gashmiyus... it’s a real bad life where you can’t sit a minute without wanting to be motzi zera!! And I have some good news for you after 14 days of this Kabbalah... when the Kabbalah ended.. I kept going for months months and months!! Because, it’s all a rhythm! It’s our brains we think it may be an option to be motzi... so it talks to us... “shloimy just do it it will feel so good”!!! But when we fall out of that after sometime it becomes so much easier... if your interested I can share with you a lot more details! this is what worked for me Bh! And btw I’m not perfect either I just recently had a fall after a long consecutive clean time:( my Kabbalah ended like 6 months ago and just kept going with the rhythm cuz it gets so much easier after such a Kabbalah because your brain stops talking to you because it knows you don’t  want to lose money!!! Anyway hang in there it really helps!! I’m willing to make a deal with you as well 30 days clean I’ll give you a nice amount of money:) I can send it paypal or whatever dw! because I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH!!!! Keep going , keep strong !! Hashem loves YOU! 

First off thanks for the chizuk, it’s nice to hear from people in the same boat or used to be and are positive about this battle. It’s refreshing. 
About this money system of yours I guess I’d like to hear more details. 

Hi Aaron 613,

Welcome to GYE!  As a newly-married man, you have the best times ahead of you.  The smartest decision you've made (besides your shidduch) is joining the forum.  It will change your life for the better whether you overcome this challenge or not.  YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO FIGHT BACK!

I am a couple of decades past you, and I can tell you that all the fighting I've done in solitude until joining GYE is just child's play.  Here we fight smarter, not (just) harder.

את חטאי אני מזכיר היום.  My biggest mistake in the past couple of years is tuning out of GYE after a fall.  Nobody to cheer me on when I try.  Nobody I have to 'face' when I fall.  Nobody to share advice, encouragement, admiration.  The wasted months of not being on GYE are gone forever.  The times I am on the forum are the REAL LIFE, what I am truly living for, to be עומד בנסיון.

Whatever you do, however successful or unsuccessful you are in this journey, DON'T make the mistakes I made by leaving GYE!

On a personal note regarding your specific struggles, my experience is that when going 'clean' for a little while, the 'monster' who is starving starts nibbling away at small indiscretions, not really falls.  But this nibbling turns to snacking and feasting, and the monster becomes more and more powerful until he breaks the chains and puts them on you.  DON'T give in to his begging for a little morsel, it only gets worse.  Starving him to death is hard, but the only way to keep him chained.  As one of the תנאים said about a shor hamuad, אין לו שמירה אלא סכין. He won't be dead until you are 120, but the closer to dead he is, the better off you are.

Wow thanks for the message. Much appreciated. I guess I didn’t realize the range of ages on GYE, it’s eye opening and calming in a sense knowing that many are fighting the same fight as I am. It’s also nice to hear words of chizuk from someone who’s been down this path at my age. 
I fully agree that this יצר הרע cannot be allowed a morals of enjoyment or else it takes over. I just find it so difficult in today’s world especially living in as large of a city that I live in, plus I do online school so I’m at a lap top for several hours a day. I’m figuring out different strategies i just feel that no matter how careful I am something always shows up.

Hey there! Welcome!

I also struggled a few months into marriage, I actually almost destroyed my bedroom life with a Hollywood perspective that was false.

I truly had a spectacular relationship with my wife right away bh,(which I almost blew) but I can't compare it at all to now, after I started to work on myself on GYE.

A woman doesn't have to know she's not your only source of sexual interest to feel it. It's like an invisible toxin. When your wife is truly your sole interest she will feel it.

In addition since you will feel so much better, your connection will be more open and honest because you are living an honest relationship. You and her will feel a tremendous difference. You will be able to love her more and properly, and she will feel it.

Now is the most important time to truly work on it, because you are building the very foundation of your marriage,  and  the relationship that will sustain the rest of your lives. If you do it properly your whole life will be different. If it's done at a later date, you will have to start undoing and redoing things which if possible is much more difficult.

Now is the time! Stick around and learn the truth about lust.

                                 Grant

I’d recommend speaking to one of the chevra here on the phone sometime. If you’re ready, it works wonders.
U can PM me for how/who to contact..,

Hatzlocha!

Hey there welcome to gye! mazel tov on your chasuna, you should be zoiche to build a bayis neeman b'yisrael! I just want to say thank you for giving me an interesting perspective. I am currently in shidduchim (recently) and have been struggling with masturbation/ pornography at times for many years on and off. I have had this imagination in my head that this tayvah really calms down after getting married. I have recently been on a long clean streak which is going very well...and your post only gives me encouragement to work on this as much as i can before I get married iyh although I know it will be a constant lifetime struggle. Thanks again and hatzlocha on your own journey!

Hey everyone, just updating you all...I Baruch HaShem have had a very good few days since my last post. I deleted Spotify for now (I told myself for a week forsure) until I get in to a good rythm again. I’ve had good learning and I’ve held back a few times from simple bad images. I’ve still got a long road ahead and I know that I just hope I can maintain this...that always seems to be the biggest challenge - staying inspired and motivated. 

Wow, kudos to you, giving up something that's important to you, shows your determination to stay clean!
With such strength you will definitely succeed! Keep strong!

Aaron613 wrote on 27 Dec 2020 15:33:

Kuddos to you, Spotify was/is a big struggle for me. You are a real chizuk!

All the best

Hey haven’t posted in a little while but b”h because I’ve had a good week. I’m following advice and sticking around because I was told this forum will help for long term success.
I’ve had a good week but I’m still nervous that all it will take is one bad image or song and I’ll fall again I feel I’m walking on thin ice. I’m staying clear of certain scenarios and I literally daven three times a day that hashem should help me. 
On one hand I feel confident that Hashem will help because it’s such a noble request but on the other hand I haven’t really seen success in this area so I don’t know what to think...I’ll never stop asking either way...a git shabbos to you all!!