Also been feeling quite stressed today, don't feel any urges right now, but need to be careful tonight

42 days today, 6 weeks
Taking it one day/ a few days a time, trying to count by the smaller goals.

Good news today, another capsule in my yeshiva who were in quarantine, after 1 boy had symptoms and tested positive, all tested negative. Given that we don't need to distance or wear mask around people in our own capsule, it's a big neis that no one else tested positive in their capsule. Feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders, I was quite stressed out about it.

Also today I found out I can still access some social media sites from my phone, so I just emailed my filter company and I'm writing this as I wait for them to respond, to keep busy, they are normally quite quick to make changes. My heart rate definitely went up a bit, and I'm a bit on edge, so I'm going to post later as well. Going to nap now as well, so should be changed by the time I wake up. A bit worrying that I didn't know I could, but glad that I had the right mindset to email them now.

I have a bit of a question about this situation. In the past when I used to go on social media sites often, I could waste hours a day on them (other times they could be triggering, but I could go a few days just wasting time and not looking at things I shouldn't).
Why is it now that I've decided to filter them out and not use them, that my mind is set on doing one thing, namely: acting out? I didn't think to myself once I realised it was unblocked: "I wish I could waste 3 hours looking at sports highlights and memes", but in the past when I used them, that could be exactly what I did. 

I guess it's a more general question, why is it that when we decide to make gedarim, and set up filters, that suddenly our minds become a one track record (I hope that's the metaphor I'm looking for) set on looking for inappropriate material. (Here's a poor moshul): It feels a bit like trying to use a funnel to stop something, you stop most things going where they would have gone (eg. going on random websites for news etc.), but you direct everything that does go through into one place(inappropriate material).

Obviously the alternative is no longer appealing, no gedarim or filters, but before I had filtered devices, I wasn't drowning in filth at every opportunity, but now that I have filtered my phone, I feel like any access which isn't filtered comes with the caveat that I could end up rolling in the mud.

While I'm in yeshiva I really don't need access to anything, but next year I will be in uni and in the future probably the workplace, and it's not going to be practical to delete my browser, or whitelist everything but the gye website.

BH they just replied, it's been fixed, very thankful to HKB"H that I had the peace of mind to spend time writing this, instead of the alternative.

Wow amazing! You have a lot of strength.

Maybe the reason is that now your yetzer hora is telling you that you have an "opportunity" to give in. Now that you don't always have that ability (at least not so easily), when you do have the ability it's "an exciting opportunity that you don't always have." And that's how it becomes your first thought.

In a way the fact that it's something that you can do now that you usually can't do makes it harder for that time. But obviously the alternative is much worse. When a person can do whatever he wants, he can stumble at any moment. So this is a normal part of the fight, that such "opportunities" happen at random points when there is an issue with the filter, etc, and we have to be ready to overcome them and have a plan of exactly what we will do when it happens, knowing it will be such a big struggle. 

That's how I understand my own similar experiences.

Just woke up feeling a bit better, still a bit on edge, but think I've mostly calmed down.

Thanks captain, I'll respond soon, just in a rush right now

It is to be expected that your subconscious is not willing to forego previous pleasures. Obviously it is getting the message that you are consciously blocking access, and therefore it is putting "new ideas" in your head. Similarly, many guys who were heavy porn watchers, report that after not watching for a few days, they find themselves noticing every girl in the street....which they did not used to do. The good news is that the subconscious eventually recedes and "gives up". However there will always be moments where we get that urge "maybe i can just taste that stuff again for a few minutes...."

Feeling somewhat back to normal now bH, davened mincha and wrote up a shiur, which I think set me back on the straight path, wasn't expecting that challenge earlier

Feeling a bit worse now, I haven't done anything, but feel like I might be headed down the slippery slope soon.
I'm playing football later tonight, so I think I'll be ok if I make it to then

Leaving for football(soccer) now, gonna try tire myself out a lot

Looking_to_improve wrote on 14 Oct 2020 13:10:

I can relate to this a lot. Here's how I understand it: If I am preoccupied with thinking that I need to filter my devices otherwise I will look at inappropriate things, then that is a belief. We act based on our beliefs. So if I believe that completely filtering my devices is necessary for me not to look at inappropriate things, then if I am not filtered, I will feel like I can't help myself but look. This is why I actually do not use filters.

That said, maybe you can reframe your use of filters to something like, "I use it so I don't accidentally find schmutz", or "I use it so if I have a weak second and search something, it will act as a reminder and I won't have already looked at inappropriate things". Hope that helps!

Ihavestrength wrote on 15 Oct 2020 00:17:

Brilliant. Thank you for this point. Because of you, I'm realizing that my last fall was literally because of this skewed mindset. I thought I was being a smarty pants by restricting my access completely, so when I was confronted with a breach in my secure perimeter I was practically helpless. All the energy I put into was preventing access to what I desire. Sort of like locking non kosher food in a sturdy safe and throwing away the key. The second you gain entry you will indulge because the muscles of discipline in that specific area were never trained and strengthened. 

I'm not heaven forbid planning or suggesting not to restrict access. I will still IYH be as careful as ever. But like you wrote so beautifully, I must change my mindset and work on not indulging not because I'm locked out but rather for the proper reasons. I must understand that filtering is just an added protection and security, not the primary and exclusive method of purity. 

How to do that isn't simple and is a whole different discussion. Thank you for this enlightening insight, Mr. Ihavestrength.

                             A grateful

                                 Grant

To sum it up-restricting your internet  access doesn’t absolve you of restricting the inclinations of your mind, heart, eyes and hands.

Very powerful and thought provoking.
Thanks!

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Oct 2020 04:31:

Please elaborate...

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Oct 2020 04:58:

The concept of self control is not supposed to feel restrictive, as Harav Ihavestrength wrote it's done by uplifting our spirit.

 I know this mashul is cliche but a fence at the edge of a cliff, although it is restrictive, is hardly perceived that way. We want the fence there and put one there willingly because we care for our own safety.

Now obviously the clarity is not the same when it comes to self control because our desires mess with our brains, but there are two ways of learning self control, one is to say, "I really want this but I will control myself in the name of whatever (G-d's will, my diet, my marriage, etc.). With this mindset, your in for a long life of suffering because you are always desiring and are constantly telling yourself no. You will find yourself struggling too often and eventually will break.
A healthier way of working on self control is by changing our mindsets to understand what our needs really are and what is just our desires. we must understand that a desire that is unhealthy is not something that we want and have to restrict, rather it's something that we really don't want but still desire for some ridiculous reason that we don't understand but still have to deal with.

As long as it is something we need but can't have, it will be an endless struggle. When we change our mindset that it's poison that for some strange reason G-d put into our heads to desire, it's much simpler.

It's still a struggle, but at least it's one that makes sense.