First day out and about doing Pesach prep...oish. Temperature jumped up and it appears everyone outside decided to take their clothes off .
Staying strong...although it is very hard...

BHYY wrote on 25 Mar 2021 21:30:

Oh darn! I forgot the summer is coming...

#MAKECOATSGREATAGAIN!!!

BHYY wrote on 25 Mar 2021 21:30:

Oyyy it’s a complete killer... Keep in touch man. Ur not alone

3 days of no internet. #TYH!
I was really depressed before Yom Tov. I had a string of falls and was just feeling really alone. B"H feeling better now.
I've been beaten around, I've had successes and I've fallen. But I will never stop trying.

Great attitude! 

Rant time.
I fell. There is tons of unfiltered access and I had nothing to do. I'm not excusing my fall, my fall was still my choice and my fault.
I am alone!
For the first days one of my siblings came with their family. It was a leibedig seder and I know the ikkur mitzvah is v'higadeta l'vincha but they basically hijacked the seder. I sat in the corner quietly as the seder moved on and every one of my nephews and nieces said something on each part. I'm not saying they didn't have a right, my parents loved it. They got tons of nachas. But at my own seder I was lonely. I have been living in my head for the past couple of days. Now they left and it's just me and my parents. Great...boredom=trouble. I don't live in a bustling frum metropolis and there is no one to get together with. I tried learning this morning but my mind just wandered.
And still, here I am living in my head. I feel terrible about falling and just feel lonely. I still don't have any hobbies as all of mine have been discontinued. Giving up reading is still super difficult for me. I tried "frum" books but they just don't work.
Oy...
V'simachta b'chagecha....gotta keep saying it and maybe I'll feel it. Right now not so much,

I feel you. I'm sorry you are in that situation.
What can you do to "get out of your head" as you said?

Striving Avreich wrote on 30 Mar 2021 19:37:

I wish I knew.

How about a GYE friend? Maybe you and YeshivaGuy should rant to each other about how you hate being around unfiltered devices at home. Mostly kidding. Ranting, may not be the best thing.
Hatzlachah

Feel free to come vent to me. I follow your thread lot, just don't post here. I've reached out to you by pm and email, so feel free to respond with whatevers good with you

Striving Avreich wrote on 30 Mar 2021 20:59:

I have B"H quite a few GYE friends. My therapist actually thinks I may be too involved in recovery. He is concerned that I should be more social off GYE. I'd like to be it's just hard when you don't live near guys and when I am in Yeshiva I'm usually busy. I was mekabel at the end of last zman that, come what may, I'm going to make time to be together with friends and not get sucked into college work.

Grant400 wrote on 25 Mar 2021 21:48:

Approved by me

Sounds great!
When talking to my therapist about similar things where it is essential to my sobriety and normalcy, the perspective he put it in was that if it's gonna help my sobriety than it's more important than a filter.

One of my problems is being absolutely obsessed with the streaks and still not completely getting over my fall after 43 days clean. Really have to let it go. I keep toying with the idea of not counting days but as soon as I have a day or too clean I go back to counting. I really think I should just stop. This is a journey. A long streak won't help me, rewiring will.
One thing that really gets me down when I fall is that I'm in the parsha of Shidduchim. I am b'chasdei Hashem working on this now before marriage but every time I fall I feel this intense fear that I'll mess up marriage by not getting over this. There are tons of stories on GYE and more that I've heard personally. I want to have a healthy marriage with my head on straight.
The married folks here can fact check me on this but I guess what I need to come to terms with is that a long streak does not guarantee me a happy, healthy marriage in this inyan. Only Hashem can do that. I just need to keep fighting. Of course doing the same thing over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity but I think I have been making healthy changes. Hard changes but healthy.
Another is just plain impatience. This is a journey. It won't happen overnight. But I have tasted the sweet taste of freedom! The clarity I had after several weeks clean was unparalleled. I want back! And I'm not patient enough to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for the honesty and transparency!
BHYY wrote on 30 Mar 2021 23:49:

What changes, if I may ask?


If ODAAT is as necessary as you say it is, its a need and must be internalized right away! No time to wait and be patient about internalizing it!