Thanks REM,

Unfortunately I've been having some falls.
I was going through some tough stuff, but B"H things seem to be looking brighter now. Of course that's no excuse, but as an addict, unfortunately I find my soothing in the wrong means. Certainly something to work on.
Now I'll get serious and Bez"H get back on track.
Will keep you all posted again.
Thank you all for the support!

Hey guys,

So it's happening. After six years of a roller-coaster like marriage, I'm slowly going through a get. I've moved out of the house on my own initiative. My wife has a severe psychiatric disorder. After years of betting on her recovery I've given up.
I'm at my parents'. Needless to say I turned to shmutz for the past couple of days. But to be honest, although my YH keeps telling me now I won't have sex for at least a year or so, I'm so much calmer. I think I can finally do it, I just need to be proactive again. Living in the same house of my wife was a source of constant anxiety, depression and whatnot. I'm feeling lighter already, like I don't need the shmutz to soothe myself, since the wounds are closing. I do miss the kids, but I'll be seeing them on a constant basis. I'm going on a trip with my parents, to relax. B"H they're very supportive of my decision. Anyway, thank you all for the usual support, and although today is day 0, since I fell last night, I'm much more positive already!!

That's really tough. I feel for you brother. 

I don't want to come across hard but you sound like you are ready to jump into this again so I'll take the risk. 
You have been extremely successful in the past and you know that a clean day feels better than a day of falls. 

So brother, I ask you what's the plan? 
Are you still using a kosher phone? 
Will you have filters by your parents? 
Will you be in touch with someone by phone? 

P. S. Please post often, you have been a great source of inspiration to me especially in my early days when you were very active. 

Snowflake wrote on 15 Dec 2020 12:59:

sorry to hear that.

you've been here quite some time.

Godspeed to you

Snowflake wrote on 15 Dec 2020 12:59:

Hey Snowflake, 

Sorry to hear that you are going through a really tough time! I can only imagine that this is taking alot of energy to process and sort out all the various emotions, and start working on moving forward. I wish you much hatzlacha and as starting mentioned definitely post if you want support! 

Hashem should assist you in this challenge and help you get back on your feet even stronger than before! One of my favorite lines - "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" 

You are clearly a gibor for continuing to want something better and for keep coming on to GYE despite the challenges. 

Chazak V'ematz! Stay positive and much hatzlacha!

May Hashem give you the necessary emotional strength to deal with the get and all that comes along with it. As far as staying clean, all your friends here know you can do it. You have been a role model for us so many times.

Dear clean white snowflake 

I'm thinking of you all the time
Really pained by your situation 

No two snowflakes are the same, but each one is beautiful! 

You have unique challenges, but Hashem created you because you are the best suited for you challenges. 

You have greatness inside of you!! 

Snowflake,

I have no words, but suffice it to say that we will always have your back (And of course, Hashem does as well...)

Never hesitate to reach out, as you have dozens of true friends who will do whatever it takes to support you, be the shoulder to cry on, etc..

Your brother,

I.M.G.

Our respect and admiration for you is immense. Our concern and care for you is just as great. We are sorry for your unfortunate situation. Hope everything works out. Hatzlacha! 

How goes it Snowflake? 

Missing you here...

Hey guys, sorry for leaving for so long without notice.
I won't lie to you all, it has been pretty tough, tougher than I thought, nevertheless, I feel like I've made the right decision. I was going insane in that marriage, and was slowly but surely destroying myself.
What has been keeping myself from coming back is the following:
My yiddishkeit has taken a big hit with this get. I still daven, eat kosher, keep Shabbos and whatnot, but I'm not studying as much as I used to. Also, I've become convinced I do not want to go out in shidduchim again. I grew traumatized. I feel like I was fooled, and was a fool. Now I know this is pure apikorsus, and I hope nobody follows my example but I just feel like sharing. I want to be open with you guys. My plan is to date an yiddish girl (the non-religious way), see if I like her and then marry her. And then my YH is all like, well since you're not going to be "shomer negiah" anymore, why not go back to MZL...
Anyway, I realize this is insane. I mean, even if I do carry out the plan, why be MZL all the way? Let things happen and if I at least am MZL due to having physical contact with a girl, if it happens less than everyday, then that's a victory already. Besides, I do not know what Hashem holds for me. So although my YH is bugging me about the future, perhaps I should just focus on today. Today I'm a shomer negiah, nice and frum jewish man. What tomorrow holds? I don't know. But being MZL is not helping me move forward.
So that's it, day 0 again, let's see how things play out.
Thank you all for worrying about me and sorry for not answering the messages.

Snowflake wrote on 11 Mar 2021 15:56:

Hi Snowflake
You're a true inspiration to me and I'm sure that Hashem is extremely proud of you.
After going thru so much pain, you're still serving him to the best of your ability. Who cares of what you used to be, look at yourself today, a real tzadik! (no, I'm not just trying to make you feel good. A person that goes thru pain is judged differently)
You're giving me so much chizzuk and I'll also try to follow your clever advise... Focus on TODAY and only TODAY!

Hashem should always be with you and help you find a great shidduch very soon... You should not know of any more pain going forward, only happiness and true good.​

Now that you're back I want to publicly thank you for helping me be open to phone calls although it took weeks from our conversation until I actually did it.
All I have reached is thanks to those phone call-and to you.

I am sorry to hear about your current state and hope and pray that you find the happiness and serenity that you so deserve. 

So, have you decided what your current boundaries are and how you will make sure to stick to them? 
Perhaps you can post your plan here after you've written it up and then a daily post on your progress? 

Anyway, great to have you back, looking forward to your great chizzuk