I am starting a new topic to share my new journey

First of all : about anger, frustration, stress... All sentiments like these, are my main objectives for now.
Because I see clearly, after the analyse of my last falls, and a continue observation of myself ( I am writing it into an agenda, trying to do it on a daily basis) that they are the main triggers to my falls.

And I know well that I always want to control everything, and I am not a good person to frequent when this is not the case... As my wife tells me often

I need to make a very change in this topic, in my attitude in life, and to learn to let the things to the others, especially to Hachem, and to take the events like they come. And to see the good in everything.

It will be a long and hard work but it is VITAL.

So, in summary, my program that I want to do :
- FHT method of Rav Fanger.
- Positive thinking
- Write every evening my 3 gratitudes of the day, my glitches, what I have done to the program
- Working in every daily situation to see it in a positive way
- And to share with my partner by phone the ups and the downs, on a weekly basis (at least)

And by side, the others tools : filters, emergency tools if there is an urge, etc

I want to share an event that arrived to me in the past week...

I was travelling for my work in a town. For this travel, I needed to stay at an hotel for a night.

A night, alone, in an hotel and in a city in France where there is very few jews. With the unfiltered work's PC, and the hotel's free wifi at my fingertips...

Quickly, I had many thoughts of whatever you can think about lust. And many fears too.

I decided to make practice of the principles I learned with Rav Fanger : this is only thoughts. This is not me. This is not what I want. 
So I ignored them, and I let them came and went without making a little attention to them (it wasn't easy at all at the beginning, but more I ignored them, more they weakened)
And I took attention to be careful about this situation but I stopped to fear it, because this is also a straight path to angry, stress, and so on...

My wife was aware of the situation and told me : "You should do everything you can to avoid to be alone in this chamber with the PC and Wifi !". 

I thinked about strategies, but at the end, I decided to pray to Hachem and let Him to help me with this situation.

So, what's happened ?
At the check-in, the reception gave me my key and the paper with my personnal wifi codes.
At THIS moment, I had the free will to make my choice : I quickly tear the paper, mixed it with water and made it unreadable. Good.

The evening was calm : after a moment, I had a second choice to stay alone in my room or go out and visit the city to take some fresh air. I made the second choice. After a good outing when I just think to enjoy the moment, I was able to sleep early.

What I see of all this ?

First, if I had a will of choice, I think it was at the very beginning of the situation. Not under attack.
Clearly, with the wifi code paper in my hand, I was at a crossroad. If I kept it, the evening could end in a different way (or not, it's not my problem anymore). That little choice changed all.

Second : thoughts are only thoughts, as powerful they are. You can follow them or ignore them. I am not saying it's easy to ignore them : it's a long time work, and I just begin to see the effects.

Third : if you have fears and worries, let Hachem do. It will be better than trying to catch fire.
 I am not saying that you have to do nothing. But, where there is a dangerous situation : be in caution but don't be in panic. Do your part, the effort that you can or must do at your level, and let Hachem do the rest. The result is not in your hands, in final.

 And four : I have to continue my program and improve it. I can't afford to relax myself because of this little victory : I have keep this event it in mind about what can I do and what are my capabilities, if it reproduces

הדא הוא דכתיב "עת לקרוע"

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 25 Jun 2019 19:34:

That’s for iTear.org

This place is all about “עת מלחמה”

David, fantastic! It is much easier to stop a child from sliding down a slide while he still has his feet on the ground and has not yet begun climbing up the ladder. Once he is perched on the top, he will be coming down. We have to recognize the beginning stages of nisayon and stop there, before we have to face a really hard struggle.

About my actual situation : I had some "interesting" moments in the last weeks, with some moments of up, and some moments of down.

I was very very busy in the past month with many things to do, new situations to deal with, and many long and complicated administrative procedures to deal with (France is the kingdom of unlogical and borying administration, if you didn't know it )
So, I had stress and some difficult situations, and naturally then urges and thoughts were coming....

This is in these situations I can see now my progression, because I succeeded to deal with my stress and the urges, and avoid many falls (even this wasn't easy at all by moments - it was even very tough)

What I did :
- Calling my partner by WhatsApp every time an urge was coming, and sharing with him about the danger and my feelings at this moment (as he did with me).
We are also checking each other one or two times by day.
- Taking an instant to stop when my fingers was beginning to search for some nasty stuff, and then take a breath : "ok ! What are my feelings now... What I want... Do I really desire this now... How I will be after the fall... Will I be better after the fall...". This helps me A LOT (mindfulness, to say what it is)
- When an entire day is with urges : I keep in mind that the urge always pass if we don't feed it. I had some days of urge/stress, and the tomorrow was without stress and attacks at all, like a dream...
And the feeling that you can have at the end of a difficult day you managed to don't fall, when the urge runs away, is indescribable...
- Having a daily log every evening with my 3 gratitudes, my 3 victories, glitches, and what I done for the program, in this day. It helps me to stay focused on the good, and to spot if I am continuing to work with my program or leaving it without being conscious...
I also writes what was the meteo of the day : calm, little wind, blasts of wind, storm, hurricane...
- And having a program in short term and long term, with actions to take in every situations. And to work on long term on my stress and anxiety (because they are my triggers in 80% of time)

I am happy because I feel that I am growing, I can manage situations who leaded me directly to falls before, and I can stay clean for a long time... for the first time without a  Taphsic.
But I know and I have to keep in mind that I am only in the debut of my journey, there is many many work and efforts to do, I must not rely on winnings, and the result is only in Hachem's hands...

Plenty of stress and anxiety today, it was a while since I felt like that...

I can't describe all the situation here, but I am too kind and I don't know how to say "no" to people, so it leads me to a difficult situation...

I hope the situation will be resolved... And also that the day will stay clean.

I feel for you. I know what stress, anxiety, not knowing how to say no means.

Hatzlocha

Finally I managed to pass the day without problems or falls. 
With the help of mindfulness, and keeping in mind that this is not what I want, and this will not resolve the problem, at all... And certainly, this will harder it.

About my complicated situation, I managed it by saying "Go to hell" to those who lead me in this situation (or "Débrouillez-vous, et aller vous faire voir" in the text).
It's was harsh, but sometimes it's necessary...
Barukh Hachem, I was anxious that would lead me to another problems, but finally nothing happened.

Also, plunging my head into work and staying focused helped me a lot, too. One task at a time...

David26fr

I too find it hard to "say no" to people.

If it is not a matter of life and death, then I think it is easier if you are very polite, but very clear that you cannot help them immediately.
You offer to help them, but not at that moment - you tell them you are busy now, but can help the next day.

Usually they will find someone else to help them instead.

This is hard because as Jews we want to help others, but those of us on here need to be careful to help ourselves as well.

Many falls are caused by stress and tiredness.

We need some quiet time for ourselves.

Yes, and also there is another thing : the fear you have to disappoint somebody when you say "no".
And, for sure, this is not true. But this is a strong feeling.

I think that could be related to high expectations that we can have with ourselves, and that can bring us to falls because of stress, bad self-esteem, because we are disappointed of ourselves... 
But these expectations are toxic expectations, and they do not hold on anything...

My wife say it to me often : I prefer you say "no" when you can't, rather than saying always "yes", and then you are in stress because you can't do your promise, and I am also disappointed because I was counting on you... Say me "no" when you can't, and then I know that I will have to find another solution.

Wow ! I did it. 90 days !

This is not the first time I reach 90 days clean... But this time is very special for me, because this is the first time I reach it :
- Without a special personnal event that hits me like marriage, jobs problems, breaking a Shidduch, etc... Just : that's enough.
- Without using and using and using Taphsic again and again. This is the very first time I stayed clean for such a long period without Taphsic
- Without this feeling of "dry drunk"
- With a program that I done and I improve, with commitments to do every day, to work on mindfulness, and so on...
- With a real work on myself and my bad feelings, not just "I must refrain from falling, that's all"

I know that I have to continue, that this is only the start of my journey.
That I have to continue to work on myself and with my program (I see clearly that when I stop, I become more sensitive and more fragile to fall).
That I have to avoid self-confidence because I reached the 90 days.
That I could have bad moments or falls in the future, but I don't have to fear them, just I have to stay focused on one moment at a time. This will not be the end of all I done if it arrives ; every urge fades after a moment, and tomorrow could always be better than today.
Like said Rav Fanger : past is dead, tomorrow a total mystery, so stay focused on PRESENT.
That I have a Father in Chamayim that always wants the better for me, and He does the better for me, in every moment.

And that I have to stay connected to this amazing Chevra here.

Thank you all for your help and your sharing, Chana tova and Chatima tova

Well done!
A great achievement.