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TOPIC: Journal 312 Views

Journal 31 Dec 2018 18:28 #338115

  • Fighton613
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what I’ve realized is that writing out my thoughts and how I was feeling and what I need to do etc really helped me. But like everything good the satan always tries to get you to stop... so it’s time to hit back. Bh I will write every day on this forum with the hope that being connected to this forum I will not stop writing and connecting.

Re: Journal 31 Dec 2018 20:35 #338119

  • Markz
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Welcome brother!

Way to go!

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Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 01:14 #338121

  • Fighton613
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Thank you.
so I’ve realized that I generally tend to fall when I bring my phone into bed...so I’ve put my phone on down time past 11 on all internet related apps. 
My main issue is motzei shabbat where 90% of my falls are randomly on that night. I still haven’t had a solution for that but hopefully with me writing and keeping everyone posted on this forum it will serve as a reminder to THINK ABOUT how I’m going to handle this night. My filters are as of today really good but I know if I spend enough time fishing around I can find some shmutz. 
Also what I’ve realized is that when I write and am involved in thinking about the current problem on hand I never fall, only when I stop writing and thinks about the battle and get content with myself do I fall. So Bh from now on I will check in on this forum to share my experiences, my struggles and my realizations to help myself and if I can help others even better.

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 02:29 #338124

  • Shower640am
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Same for me. Motzei Shabbos is very hard for a couple of reasons: 1) There is a lot of empty time, 2) On Shabbos we get a second Neshama which leaves Motzei shabbos, and Motzei Shabbos is a very empty Toichenless time, I don't know if that's why Motzei Shabbos is so empty but it's very possible (I can't learn Motzei shabbos, I have spoken to friends about this and they agreed). but B"H today is 5 weeks for me.

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 02:55 #338125

  • Hashem Help Me
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Welcome. Great idea to journal and keep focused. At the same time it opens the opportunity to have dialogue with the chevra here which is extremely helpful. Hatzlocha.

One point. If Motzai Shabbos is a tough time for you (as it is for many of us), what's the plan for this week?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 03:26 #338126

  • i-man
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Hello

I could definitely relate to motzai shabbos being a vulnerable time...I wonder if the fact that many people are off and wake up later adds to it- because there less incentive to get to sleep...just occurred to me

Hatzlacha

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 03:55 #338127

  • Fighton613
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Hey, so in addition to the whole neshama yetera concept... I take a nap in the day after the seuda... so I’m not as tired at night. But one thing I know works for me Is to know that I have a battle to deal with tonight and get to writing about it and thinking about it. I’m a very thinking person and I always try to think before I do something which ironically in this particular battle is my Achilles heel. So my plan is to get on to that chat and make myself aware that we’re currently in a battle wether you like it or not and battle. Just a side point, the motzei shabbas falls aren’t out of a desire and a need to give in but rather I’m bored/ not tired so let’s just go fishing  and see what I can find... crazy how the satan works. 

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 13:24 #338131

  • Fighton613
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Good morning guys!! So Bh day one was a success- had no urges and something I was struggling with regarding bringing my phone into bed was a success. I also would like to mention what gedarim I have in place...
1) filters on all devices.
2) taphsic method - this hasn’t worked for me but I think I know why. Whenever I fall it’s usually after 7-10 days where I’m not even thinking of it because for example in most cases I bring my phone into bed to procrastinate and that leads to fishing ... and only after I fall I say shoots I didn’t think abt the knas I made! This is the story of this battle - the satan absolutely doesn’t want us thinking just react to the stress in the habitual way you are accustomed with. But if I mention it every day and make a habit of having that knas on the tip of my mind I’m pretty confident it will work as a strong geder. 
3) down time on internet related apps past 11
4) no phones in bed.
so these are usually enough to make it a burden to even go fishing. Now I want to take the fight to him with proactive change in my attitude and understanding of the battle on hand. 

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 13:34 #338132

  • Fighton613
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Also what I’ve realized is that when I have fallen my whole day I’m anticipating something going wrong ... and it always happens. Was wondering if anyone else experiences that . 
Lastly, we know the main battle is avoiding his traps.. and from my experiences even thinking abt lust etc acts as an entrance for the satan.. so lately I’ve implemented “SQUASH FOR ....” and each day I would squash the bad thoughts or even potential glances on the street for a zechus for wtvr it may be. Although I know that I get tremendous schar for not giving in , when I’m doing it for a zechus for someone else like a child whose really sick or like zechus that my children should have this as a boost in what ever challenges they may have down the road ... really really helps ... because you’re eliminating a big chunk of accessibility to the satan. And in my case my falls have come from more boredom than actual need and urge for it. But I’m sure it would help enormously for those who actually have the urges. Not sure if I’m making sense lol just speaking my mind. 

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 13:51 #338133

  • Hashem Help Me
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Regarding forgetting your taphsic, it is advisable to write it as a contract and read the contract each morning. It makes it very real. Regarding "expecting to eventually fall later in the day", that is a belief you have to get out of your head. Lots written about that on the forums.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 14:24 #338134

  • Fighton613
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Hey not that I expect to eventually fall later on in the day pertaining lust, just in general something follows my falls like I’ll get a ticket or into a dumb argument with my wife etc

Re: Journal 01 Jan 2019 21:54 #338137

  • ColinColin
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I think Motzei Shabbat is hard because

We can actually be quite tired on Shabbat as the week catches up with us, and also from making a lot of conversation.
Shabbat is ordered, with commitments to go to shul, and to make sure we eat three meals with Cholla, and so on.

And some people find it hard to cope with NOT working. Work can be a distraction from our lust, and it can be very bound up with our self-esteem, but remove work from our lives, remove us from our daily routine, and it presents a challenge.
We can feel that we have no way to make "progress", and so our esteem suffers.

So after Shabbat it is a bit of a release, and we feel a bit of "freedom", and give in to lust, and might feel we need to seek a pleasure hit to improve our low esteem.

I know Shabbat is meant to be the opposite of this, but it can feel different from how it is supposed to feel.
Last Edit: 01 Jan 2019 21:55 by ColinColin.

Re: Journal 02 Jan 2019 03:29 #338141

  • EscapeArtist
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"Also what I’ve realized is that when I have fallen my whole day I’m anticipating something going wrong ... and it always happens. Was wondering if anyone else experiences that . "

I can totally relate! Every time I come home from "learning" and was actually acting out in some way or another, I come home to the crankiest wife, who's nebach had the most horrible day, feels lousy, etc. etc.
also just about every time i start giving in to my yetzer hora in bed, it takes just a few seconds till one of the kids is banging on my bedroom door, regardless what time of night it is. Kinda spooky actually.

Re: Journal 02 Jan 2019 14:12 #338149

  • Fighton613
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Gm guys!! Today is day #3.
SUMMARY OF DAY 2:
bh day was a success. Though last night even though my phone goes on down time at 11 I wanted to extend it for a specific app to watch a basketball game... I had it extended but it wasn’t working for some reason. I took that as a message that I got to be strong in this kabala of no phones in bed at all times.

Strategy for day 3: 1) be cognizant of the taphsic method 2) build a stronger understanding of the battle on hand by reading the handbook or articles. 3) SQUASH any thoughts lezechut my wife should pass her test.4) no phones in bed.

Motivation for day 3:
for myself to become a free man. I’m tired of having no control of my life. Also for my wife and kids... they are my world and enough living a double life. Keep in mind when one works out there’s a saying “ no pain no gain” same thing here. It’s gonna get hard so I gotta be prepared to battle smartly.

Re: Journal 03 Jan 2019 16:09 #338179

  • Fighton613
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Gm guys. I hope we all have hatzlacha today in avoiding the traps and triggers we all now hate.
so yesterday Bh I remained clean. Unfortunately there was more stress than usual due to an argument I had with my wife but Bh it got sorted out. I remember thinking that in the past the stress would almost give me a pass to act out but now that I’m aware that the satan is actually trying to trap me into thinking like that, I stood my ground and said I may be upset right now and stressed but I’m not gonna just give in and let him take over the drivers seat. I’m gonna Handle it my way, I wanted to go to the gym and blow off steam like that but Bh got busy with other stuff and couldn’t go but the stress was behind me and I moved on. This is very impressive for my own self that I was able to actually think in a moment of crisis about how I use to react in the past and how I’m going to now. This is the satan MO- let me get u to stop thinking and act based on ur normal habitual ritual. If we just think abt what we trying to accomplish constantly we can eliminate his tactics by I think 75%. 
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