I busted on day 87.
There. I got it out. You can all stop laughing now... thank you very much.

Hi all, you can call me Moshe (hey, I've been called worse...); I've been addicted to masturbation since at least the age of 6, over 25 years. (No idea how it happened.) Since finding out it was אסור somewhere in high school (I think it was at an extracurricular מוסר shmuess in camp; -not from ישיבה or my dear old folks) I've started cutting back and trying all sorts of tactics to stop. I went through upps & downs, never lasting more than a few weeks at most.
To make a long story short, after about 8 years of my wife thinking she was married to the best hubby in the world (they all think that at some point, no?) I kinda filled her in about my double-life, obviously sparing MANY details, but enough to get her quite upset, as anyone who's been in that situation can understand. I tried the TAPHSIC & similar methods, but I would always come crashing back down w/ renewed vehemence. (They are really wonderful tactics, but for someone like me, it just reinforced the fact that I CAN'T control myself without fences blocking me; ממילא once I'd leap the fence I'd hit the ground running...)
I finally got so fed up (usually happens when you keep forcing yourself to do something because you HAVE to, not bec. you WANT to even...) that I sat down and wrote a detailed goal for myself (based on a lecture I heard from R' Avi Shulman - phenomenal person), complete with the whats, whys, hows, what ifs & whens. This worked for longer than ever. I was slated to hit day 90 in middle of עשרת ימי תשובה, beautiful. Problems started after a few weeks, the addicted mind starts going crazy. You start finding ways to ever-so-slightly break גדרים, without really falling... then that's not enough, the brain gets crazier, crazier than ever before. seriously, every שוַורצָע on the street became this crazy beauty in my eyes. I started contemplating things I never thought of before. Spent most of the ראש השנה davening standing at my shtender, but in my head i was very intimate with the shiksa from the hardware store... ( good thing I was wrapped in a talis - והמבין יבין).
צןם גדליה I felt sick, was laying in bed & finally broke the last גדר - applied a drop of pressure & basically exploded on contact. (sorry mods, I'm new here I don't know how graphic is accepted, feel free to edit).
I've been on & off since then, but scared to fight too long, afraid I'll end up in places worse than I've ever been. Any advice from the vets or fellow warriors?
Thank you all, עמך אנכי בצרה, much הצלחה in this קידוש כבוד שמים!

This is a courageous first post. So open and honest. Welcome. Here you will iyh learn tactics how to deal with the strong urges and lust. I understand your comment about "it was good you were wrapped in a talis" very well. I also went through periods of time where erections happened at the most inopportune and demoralizing times. There is an incredible amount of advice/chizuk/resources available on this site. Familiarize yourself with whats available. Keep posting and at your own pace connect with the helpful chevra here. Hatzlocha.

I'm not a veteran, but I 'd like to share with you similar concerns I've had recently.  I joined GYE a few months ago with great zeal, only to fall after a few weeks.  I too felt the YH creeping through any cracks in my gedarim (some were left intentionally - see my post 'Am I Cheating') and widening them.  When I fell I crashed, acting out multiple times a day until it wasn't even pleasurable.  Any try to reset was not with full determination, and only lasted a day or two. And yes, I was scared to start again for real, partly because I felt more weakened by the fall than I was before.


A couple of weeks ago I came back to the forum (I was hiding from GYE this whole time - big mistake), and decided I had to give it a real try again.  Surprisingly, I found the withdrawal much easier than last time.  Last time I took a child to an appointment 1 1/2 hours from my house.  The entire ride there and back I had one thought,"if they weren't here I'd pull into the next parking lot and 'take care of business' ." Now I'm much more free of compulsive thoughts and the constant itch in the pants.

The monster fighting back with ferociousness may just mean that he is dying, and fighting for his life.  Your 87 days of strangling him did NOT strengthen him, but weakened him considerably.  His adrenaline is all that's keeping him from dying more (he'll never die completely until 120).  The fact that he comes back stronger at this point means we're really doing a job on him, and he is scared of us.  We are the master, we CAN subjugate him to the point where we have more control over him than he has over us, that's how Hashem created the world!

Don't be scared to throw yourself fully in again, you're much closer to the goal than you were before.  I can't tell you how far you have left to go to gain the upper hand, but you must pretend you are on a long road trip and you are one exit before the destination.  Would you tun around then because you got a flat tire? Fill it up, and keep going!!

As for your opening line "I busted on day 87. There. I got it out. You can all stop laughing now... thank you very much." ARE YOU CRAZY!? I am in awe of you! You are a hero! I consider myself a strong person, I deal with many challenges daily and usually keep my head up high, but day 87!? I cry and daven and hope that I make it that far.  I think the last time I did that was when I went to learn in EY over 20 years ago (I kept repeating the passuk ולא תקיא אתכם הארץ as my mantra for weeks and weeks until I had a similar 'bust').  So you didn't make it to 90, you're frustrated you missed the prize. I get that.  But is anyone laughing!? No way!! Even the most macho guys here with thousands of days under the belt (no pun intended) remember the suffering, struggling, withdrawal days of their first journey.  87 days is no laughing matter, and after 120 you will find worlds and worlds of schar waiting for you for 87 days of true עבודת השם.

Pat yourself on the back bro, you're a champ.  And get back up, dust yourself off, and keep going on this journey with the rest of us. Hatzlocho!

Helo our fellow traveler escaoe artist, and Welcome.

Wow!!!!!! What a share!

I am here over 4.5 years (hope i am not mistaking with that). I am active on the Yiddish website. Log on to this website here and there. Havent posted pretty long. However the title caught my attention. I clicked on it, and read your post.

Been there done that.

I so relate to all what you wrote . 

I can offer you words of encouragement. I cannot beleive that I am sober today for so long. This is an amazing miracle that Hashem has done for me and is doing for me one day at a time.

So yes, if I can then you can. I have a history of 17 years of acting out and trying to fight this on my own. i also have two streaks of sobriety, which the first was 690 with a one night relapse, and then currently 716 days one day at a time.

I want to tell you to stay here and find the tools that work for you, and wish you lots of Hatzlacha on your road to recovery.

Welcome

Reading your post made me think about my situation not too long ago when I felt like I was fighting an unstoppable force inside me ,
B'H I gave gye a 2nd try and ended up connecting with fellow strugglers and learned how to turn to Hashem and let go
Theres lots of other ways to make it less daunting ..
Hatzlacha and please - no ones laughing _ 87 days is something many cant even dream of.

87 days is unbelievable! Imagine it this way, you won 87 rounds of a boxing match! This is a fight, nothing more and nothing less. You are going to take a couple of hits. If you don't get up though, the fight is over. You are doing amazingly. If you got up again and make it to day 90, you can say that you acted out once in 177 days. No small accomplishment.

Thanks everyone for your חיזוק, you can't imagine how good it feels to get feedback from those who kinda understand you. (Or I suppose by now you can imagine, if you're here!) My current streak didn't really start with any serious conviction; as that usually only happens when I'm at an all-time low; but I've been in "recovery" mode for a while, just w/ a slight relapse here & there. I'm scared to start again with all these גדרים, as then it is on my mind all day & night... did I look at that woman too long?...was it for pleasure?... am I allowed to ask that secretary for something?...am I wrapped too tight in my blanket?...
As they say, tell someone not to think about purple elephants & guess what the only thing they can think of is...?

lomed wrote on 02 Jan 2019 19:08:

From a baseball hittin' streak, yes, it was broken in the middle. Relevant to God, yourself and others, it is 1406 (and perhaps more). It is one of the stupid things about this 90 day countin'. If one gets stuck in an elevator for an hour with an object of his desire (I do apologize to all the folk for callin' you objects) and nature takes over, why in the world is he regarded as a zero? Makes no sense to me. Yes, rules are rules, but if it would be up to me, I would think that the numbers highlighted should be the accumulative days clean, and I probably said this once or twice before.

Gotta run, the elevator beeped for my floor. Goin' up (I hope).

Maybe stop obsessing so much over the little slips. So you took a second glance or enjoyed a conversation a little too much... just say oops and move on. avoid the situations that you can but cut yourself a little slack. Hashem knows that you're only human, He made you that way.

Please formally request this from the administration here. It is so true what you wrote. Any relief from feeling demoralized is extremely beneficial.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Jan 2019 05:17:

Or at least have both numbers up there...

Hakolhevel wrote on 06 Jan 2019 01:29:

It shows both numbers on the chart and on your homepage

I know, but I think the number that appears near your name when you post is what matters to most people...

Welcome Escape Artist.

I totally can relate to your post.

Recently I was clean for over seven months.
I was close to a time when I would have a few days off work for the first time in ages, so I was looking forward to some time to get some energy back and do some extra reading etc.

So what happened?
I broke my clean streak just before that!

Inside it is like I press a self-destruct button.

Totally understand what you write about being under pressure when you are forced to do things that you have to do rather than want to do, it is as if you do not get the time off to yourself that you feel you deserve.

That is a big problem for me too, and I know I fall when I am faced with these unwanted commitments.


My plan going forward is to

1 - Minimise these commitments
2 - Reward myself for doing these commitments by having something nice lined up afterwards i.e. a good book, a film, a nice walk, a visit to friend, etc.

Also I can tell you that 87 days is a monumental achievement.
Do not put too much stock in this 90 day time period, I have kept that before and still fallen afterwards.
It is merely a rough guide, it is not a fact that if you are clean for 90 days you will never fall again.
You are less likely to fall, and it is great to embed good habits, but the harsh truth is that all of us on this site will have to take stock every day for the rest of our lives, and remind ourselves every day that we have to be aware of keeping clean that day.

A couple of weeks ago I had a similar self destruct after being 40 days clean - was off from work for a few days and didn’t take the preemptive measures that deep down I know I should have taken. Good to hear that I’m not the only one this has happened to. 87 days and 7 months are both tremendous gains. the 90 day goal is a good goal, but I have found at least for myself that it can be a very daunting and sometimes demoralizing goal especially right after a fall. Some may be able to relate to this, but for many years of being on GYE I somehow convinced myself that I am only a good person if I am at that 90+ day clean mark and if I am not...then I am a very rotten person. Only recently have I been able to make some progress unwinding those thoughts, it started with accepting my flaws and accepting myself for who I am...a lot of self esteem issues...but of course it’s something that I and I’m sure many here have to continue working on. When I get caught up on those questions I ask myself how many days could I stay 100% clean not speaking loshon hara, or exaggerating/lying, or speak arrogantly, or forget to make a bracha rishona or acharona, or miss a minyan...if I’m not clean for 90+ in any of those does that make me a rotten person? I don’t think so...and for those of us on GYE struggling with lust etc, I think it’s healthy to think about this...both for current clean and cumulative clean streaks.