Don't pay any attention to anything that happens when you are sleeping. Its the subconscious trying to get its fix. Ignore it completely and iyh that will slow down and eventually stop. In the beginning of our battle it is to be expected.

Okay one day at a time. Last night I had a dream i was masterbating in bed on my back which I hardly ever did to begin with. I used to watch Porn in bed on my stomach. Now the challenge of today was my best friend got married and he's having trouble keeping his mouth shut about what he's now allowed to do with his wife and he's a simple guy who is definite exaggerating considering he has no experience BH but my other best friend who is also simple is genuinely curious about how he treats his new bride and I'm stuck in the middle because on one side my inclination is to gravitate towards anything erotic BH I don't think about what he does or extrapolate. Then he's like "you don't know how quickly we'll have children" and I'm just like you're not supposed to be discussing this with us the action part not the concept part no matter how close we are it's not sniyut. Thank you for listening may Hashem bring us all our yeshua and teshuva gemura!

If that was too many details please tell me I really don't want to trigger anyone but I want you to know that pouring my heart out to you is really helping my and i feel obligated to you as well as to HBH (Hakadosh Baruch Hu) to be careful. Also does anyone have any idea how I can or maybe I shouldn't tell someone who is actually part of my life. No offense but as much as I know you are real and you are helping me I feel like at some point not now I will want to discuss this with someone real. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Like I said I'm overly concerned with my image to a fault I need to work on.

Its a good idea to have someone real to speak to. You can call some of the chevra here or find a good therapist where you live. Also, excuse my blunt language but tell your newly married friend that if he loves his wife he will keep his bedroom experiences to himself and not drag her undressed through the streets.....or into the corner of the shul where he speaks to you about this.....

Louis4sameach wrote on 24 May 2018 03:19:

Man your friends sound mean But well done for counteracting it. Maybe don't hang around them if they keep on like that. What's it worth?

I have a confession it's getting very hard at this point. All day I feel like I need to masterbate. I even get excited just from touching myself in the restroom. But at the same time every day that goes on i feel more normal. I feel tempted in the street again which I didn't have while watching porn. I pray Hashem gives me strength because I still feel like I can fall at any moment especially because I watched a show last night at the recommendation of a friend that had nudity. I wouldn't count it as a fall though and I know now that show is completely off limits. Still going strong BH at 26 days I pray that we are able to become close to Hashem and to bring her final redemption. Good luck!

Louis, do you speak with anyone here?

At this point it's obvious I had a fall. Then i was so embarrassed i suppose visiting the gye forum and had more falls. I've been clean since Sunday and got rid of YouTube which caused the fall. Please pray for me and may Hashem help me get back to a clean month again and then 90 days one day at a time. 

Louis4sameach wrote on 24 May 2018 03:25:

I'm also overly concerned with my image

This is why I'm here, and it took me down a windy path till I actually got in touch with some real guys here...

Take your time brother and KOT
(no not Keep On Timing)

Wow from what you write, it seems you are in a situation that i was never in so i cannot judge you. But what i know fro almost certain that if i was there, no way i would make it that far on round 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So keep it up, and keep in touch (to gye and to hashem)

I fell again and I put on some pounds this week. I want to have control over my desires and that means controlling my eating too along with my sexual desires for porn. I started a new book and I feel like I can really do it this time. It just makes me feel so gross to fall. Sheva yipol sadik vekam its the falls that make the sadik who rises from the ashes

How are you doing?