I have a question.B"h I've made it 76 days... It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and im highly anticipating day 90. One of the main things I have done to accomplish getting this far was making a lot of drastic lifestyle changes. I locked the internet app and app store off my phone, put a strong filter on my computer, I started fortify, am in contact with a partner, and I've tried to have restraint on certain basic things in my life to practice restraint, like not eating cookies (on the outside my mom thinks I'm crazy for not eating cookies and all of the stuff like that) I also listen to the chizuk messages and read the emails every day. So pretty much I made a lot of changes.After thinking about it though, now being day 76...I watch football on Sundays to take a mental break from my very busy week. Its a time for me to chill and just relax, i need the break. But sometimes not tzniut things come up. I usually switch the channel right away, but I know what was coming.Also I have spotify, which is a music listening app, sometimes there are not kosher pictures on the opening page. I switch it right away, but once again I know what I saw. Also on spotify there is a feature to look people up and you can see pictures of girls, some are probably not tzniut, I'm not sure though...For both of them the damage is done even if I switch right away.It would really be hard to cut these things out. Football has been a really good outlet for me, and I use spotify to listen to music all the time and it can get me in a good mood when I'm down. It also helps me get into the spirit of shabbos and really enhances my whole shabbos. They both played a small role in getting me this far.Pretty much the over arching question is do i have to cut these out too. I really would rather not because they sometimes they just get me through the week. Football is a big outlet for me. Also, I invested a lot of time in compiling all of the Jewish music I listen to into one playlist spotify, and it would cost a lot of money, on spotify its free.My mom says Im way extream with everything and am too hard in myslef...But she has no idea what I was (am) like. Let's just say that I was addicted for about 4 years and I could not stop. Stopping the past few weeks has taken so much effort and sacrifice. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I've been through a lot in my life. I know its been a gift from Hashem and I must do everything in my power to keep it... I must do it for myself, those around me, and my future wife B"h.I just want to make sure I solidify my long term success, and stopping these may be very extream. But I know very well, even after day 76 when i think im stable, that it could just be my taiva talking and eventually I'll fall because of something stupid... I may be shooting my own foot.I know for a fact that I am at least biased because i do enjoy them both very much.Thoughts?Ps. My mom doesn't know about my "struggles"

Welcome. You have done something incredible! What self control! Real mesirus nefesh. Hashem celebrates with you, just we cant see it. Keep up the good work. You are a true inspiration for all of us.

What do you think about what I should do

yosef10 wrote on 06 Dec 2017 23:47:

Cord' suggests reading the "Recent Posts"
Apparently it's not so obvious to all
I should put it in my sig ;-)

yosef10 wrote on 06 Dec 2017 23:47:

Very difficult to advise without knowing more details. Meanwhile daven to Hashem that you make the right choices. 

For the past few years i have tired to overcome my yetzer hara. Spilling seed has taken over my life and i can't take it. I feel like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me. On the outside, in school, at home, around my friends and family, i am seen as a great kid. Everyone tells me i have great meedos, i do chased, i learn torah and am in top shir. But on the inside i feel terrible. I can't control myself and tried everything within my power. The only thing i haven't done is admit it to someone because i am too prideful of my "image", even though i really know on the inside I'm two faced and everything "good" i do is just a cover.When i was younger my parents got divorced. My father is a terrible peson and abused my mother and all of my siblings at one stage of our lives. He stole via an online company and is currently in jail . He was even evil enough to sign papers with my mothers name on it so she would take some of the fall. As i got older i got a very strong respect and for my mother, and i can't stand hiding and lying to her.Also, once i got into my mid teen years, i developed a want for a family of my own. I wanted to build a basis with a kind, sweet hearted jewish wife and raise beautiful jewish children. I want to be everything my father isn't and wasn't. I can't wait to have an amazing relationship with my kids and wife b''h. I can't help think that eveytime time i "sinned" that i jeopardized that image, and that those thoughts might even be a factor that draw me to "sin".I can't live with myself and have developed a depression side affect. Whats terrible is that even during that time period i can't control myself. I feel week minded and like i will never amount to anything because that will always be holding me backI go to an all boys yeshiva. I try to take everything i learn throughout the whole day but when i get an idea or thought, I'm not rational, and don't think about any of the consequences until after.
- This is what i write on a posted roughly 6 months ago
​This is what i was dealing with before, b''h since I've been clean, i haven't been as hard on myself (in terms of bring a bad person). Obviously I'm still dealling with the struggles of my normal life, but I'm diving in headstrong without stupid stuff (falling) holding me back. It took a lot to get out of the cycle, one of the hardest thing I've been through and the hardest I've ever consistently worked on something (obviously with Hashems help). Now that I'm past that, i try to work on myself on the little things, like being a better brother and friend, and over all ben torah. I also learn much more lishma then i ever did. This experiance made me so much closer to Hashem, a level of closeness that i could never even imagine i could. I also am more considerate being i know other kids in my grade are "doing other stupid stuff", i daven for them.

But i can't take any chances with me getting back into that treacherous cycle. I can't allow myself to fall back into it.

On the one hand these two things ar great outlets, i work really hard in school, and i need the weekend with football to recooperate for the next week. Music just makes me happy ingeneral. They both played a role in my path to leave the yetzer hara. But on the other hand i know damage is being done. Ive been doing this the whole time I've been clean though, so I'm not sure.

enough detail now?

Nice share thanks

If you really are feeling this way then would it not be worth some $$$$ to insure a better life?

KOMTNMW

yosef10 wrote on 07 Dec 2017 05:18:

Heck of a great post!!

What does your therapist suggest?

I totally get you, I used to have a smartphone and I used Spotify too, and to give them both up was very hard. I too really  like music and getting unlimited music on spotify was great and all the convenient apps that I was using were very difficult to give up. First I tried filtering etc. but I finally realized that I was lying to myself and that I had to get rid of Spotify and eventually the smartphone. Now I have to buy music and it costs much more and I have much less music but I'm really happy I did it. what worked for me was to take it slow (slowly stop relying on more and more of the conveniences) till I was ready to totally get rid of it.
Good luck

Its a wise investment that has great returns when we spend money and only have access to kosher sites. The inconvenience is definitely worth it. Plus we can be sure that our Father above has great nachas for any mesiras nefesh, expense, or inconvenience that we experience to help stay clean and close to Him. Isn't kosher food more expensive too? Go kosher buddy!!!

Yosef, I'm glad to see you around. You should know that you were the first who welcomed me on this site like 2 months ago, gave me the right chizuk at the right time, and I have grown quite a bit since then. You have made great progress which I wish I'd get too. You are a great man and Hashem will continue to take care of you! In regard to your question, if you feel it has a negative impact on your growth and sobriety it is definitely worth giving up, especially Spotify which you can relatively easily find a replacement. A sober life requires from me to give up a lot of perceived necessities, and the longer I live without them, I learn that my life has become much more healthy and serene. So maybe try stopping one for a few weeks and see how it goes. 

As a side note, I would share with you something that I've learned that might be helpful. Many many times, what drives my willingness to obtain sobriety is my so-called "image". Porning and masturbating are painful, but so is sobriety (at least in the beginning), what pushed the scale in favor of sobriety was that I wanted to be a "sober man". I'm not sure if I'm coming across clearly, but I feel that having a sober life and being a sober man are two different goals. Some people like learn, and they learn today, they learn tomorrow, they learn next week, month, year etc. They don't care what "they" are, they just do it because they want to do it. Then there are people who want to be a "talmidchachum". Now happens to be that a talmid chucim learns, so they learn. The former focuses on what he wants to do (odaat), the latter focuses on what he want's to be. What I found is that when I focus on what I want to do, the longer I do it, the easier it becomes, but when I focus on what I want to be, the longer I am acting as such the harder it becomes to maintain that image in my mind. Every time I fall or slip it proves to me that I am no sober man, and that hurts more than the actual fall.. Part of surrender is surrendering my image too, and instead focus on what is the best thing for me to do today.

Just a thought. 

May Hashem be on your way!!

Yitzchok

What therapist?

I really appreciate all of your suggestions and see a general idea, pretty much to give up Spotify over a period of time, while at the same time buying more music on the side to try to move away from that platform. Its just that I currently dont have the funds (or access) to that type of money (being 16). Even to buy one album, (aside from the expense issue) my mom would think I'm crazy. B''h, like i said in the post, i have a really close relationship with my mom. She knows me inside  and out (besides my falling). She feels a real sense of nachas (as well as from my other siblings) because of what everyone says about us. But she says I'm too hard on myself. I am constantly picking on each of my actions while trying to introspect. I also have taken upon a lot of things on myself. One example is not to eat cookies without a celebration of success, this is to practice self control in the easier situations, so in the harder situations (falling) i can better control myself. My mom got upset at me once because i wouldn't eat one. (We now have a running joke that the cookies are the satan.) But if only she new what i was and what i went through, and what i had to do to get out of it. Im not even sure what she would do with me. (I understand I'm passed that now, but I'm still not sure what she would think)

This also goes over a really big overarching problem that people tell me that i have; that i am too hard on myself and i work too hard in general. Im known for working too hard and not enjoying myself. I am on a bunch of extracurriculars in school (probably most in the school), am studying for sat/act, have night seder and do other learning leshma. All this with trying to keep my GPA up My mom has told me since 9th grade that i put too much pressure on myself and that i have to enjoy life when i have the chance (being a teen). Over the past year, the same idea has been said to me by my friends. Ive been told by countless people i work too hard and took on to much.

(But before you judge) Ive been this way almost all of my (teen) life and especially high school. Ive always introspected and have been doing a crazy amounts of work like this. I know that sometimes i don't enjoy life, but thats life. I also know s bunch of things no one else knows about me. (because i know me best)
1. If i had free time, i would not know what to do and we know where thats headed.
2. One of the reasons I'm so motivated is because i know whats its like to have a bad father and i know what a bad husband is. I also know i want to push myself as far away as possible from that. So, i believe, that if i work my tuchus off (on striving to be better) now, then i can reach a level in which i can be the best father and the best husband (if i learned one thing from my father its what not to be). I long for the day when i can finally be a husband and father (not at all to make up for what my father was lacking, but i am much more considerate to the situation in which what it feels like to have a bad husband and father). My mom tells me that i should enjoy the now and in the moment, and stop longing for the future.

3. After going through these tzarus (father situation, and falling) i came out much more mature, a better person and close to Hashem. So in a sense, i was given (through struggles), an extra push to be great (something, to my knowledge, more of my friends don't have). So now knowing that i was given a push, just because I'm more mature doesn't mean i don't have to strive for even better maturity. Being that on a certain level i am given a push to be great, i have to do my utmost to be the best i can be in every manner, much more is expected of myself. That takes sacrifice sometimes, i understand that. Contrary to popular belief (of my mom and friends), although i know I'm "a good person", i don't think I'm "a great person" because i know i was given a "free" push and i haven't even come close to my full potential. I have to strive to always be my best. Knowing I'm not there yet pushes me forward.

4. Also, in terms of learning and being hard on myself, i know that i have to be close to Hashem, and i want to be. But i know that the two main tzarus in my life is (father situation, and falling) is what got me closer to HIM. And therefore, b''h, i do not at all regret going through them (as well as they just made me a better person in general)(obviously i regret sinning, but i don't regret "the result of the experience ). Yet, i don't want to have to wait for another tzara to have to happen for me to get close to Hashem, i want to be close to Him in success. Not only because, who wants to go through a tzara, but also because its much more genuine when you do it in good times as opposed to bad. 

All in all, i know i work hard and am hard on myself, and I'm overworked and sometimes don't enjoy the moment. But i also know things about myself that i believe other people don't know.
​

You are one very special young man. Iyh you will have one lucky wife! Do you have a rebbi that you could speak to? With a little guidance you candetermine the proper and healthy balance that one needs to live the happy and satisfied life of an ehrliche yid. from your writing it sounds like you really understand yourself as a good person, mature, and wanting to do the right things. However you seem to have a dose of the very common perfectionism that many many jews have genetically/environmentally. A good rebbi can help you weed out any unhealthy habits and continue growing in a confident sound manner. B'ezras Hashem you will develop into a successful thoughtful and caring member of your community who will be a role model for many.