Ihavestrength wrote on 27 May 2018 18:58:

Don't we always find ways to put ourselves down.
With me: If I am clean and don't feel inclined to act out a voice inside says: Big deal - I have no real temptation - 'cause if I did I would be a wimp and fall again.

If I feel temptation then - "Why do I feel temptation? Ahh, I could never really be clean for long periods 'cause it always rears it's ugly head and I will eventually fall.

All such talk is counter productive and false. 

Hashem is bigger than all of this.

We also have plenty of examples of guys staying clean who had/have the same challenges.

Yesterday I was feeling so powerless/helpless I was on my hands and knees crying and praying.

Ihavestrength wrote on 27 May 2018 18:58:

So true. You captured it very well. I was bothered by this for a long time, but until you said it the way you did, i never realized it was exactly that. Thank you!

Beautifully written

Day 1:

I'm losing my way.

I didn't fall (acc. to my rules) but I need a fresh start.

A period of time that I'm dedicating to growth, cause right now I'm stagnating (and worse). 

I'm making today the first of 90 days of deliberate living.

Not looking back for a moment. Now and here is where I'll stay. 

You should see me here soon. I plan on being one of those annoying daily posters  

Have a blessed day! 

Update: I guess it would help people to know my situation with sobriety and being clean. Until now I've been following SA's sobriety definition (no masturbation or sex cause I'm single). I've been sober acc. to that definition since July 20 2017. 

I looked at porn about a month and a half later, and didn't look again until a few days ago. So I guess haven't looked at porn since mid September 2017.

I've had lots of slips over this period of almost a year, looking at music videos, clothing websites etc. 

This was usually about once a month. I just had my longest streak of no slipping, almost 4 months, which ended a few days ago when I looked at porn. I've actually watched the stuff a bunch of times over these past few days. 

Alright, feel updated? Good! 

Ihavestrength wrote on 21 Jun 2018 12:41:

Keep up postin' of this quality and you won't be annoyin' at all.

God speed!

For the record for what its worth, there are many in SA who consider porn "sex with self"
happy to send you a few recordings related to this topic.

I think it's interesting that you look at porn but you don't masturbate.

GrowStrong wrote on 21 Jun 2018 13:54:

Ya I know, thanks. Seriously considering resetting my count totally. 

i saw a good and useful wort last week, that as soon someone is watching on his Kedisha, it will start getting to him in a very fast pace everything he needs, see it by yourself:
i printed that out, and its on my desk all day so i can see it, and i say it right when i sit down at my desk, and i say it every night when i go to bed, so its saving me big time, i dont want to exchange garbage with my Hashpuas.....

Big news!

I looked at porn and listened to sexual audio already.

Why, you ask?

I had/have blue balls and am thus feeling really nauseous, so I was hoping that watching/listening to the stuff would cause me to ejaculate. It did not.

Fortunately? Unfortunately? 

So now I feel stupid and probably even more nauseous than before (as well as not feeling too amazing about how I spent the last hour or so). 

"Why don't I just masturbate?" 

I don't want to. Not entirely sure why, in truth.

I'm actually thinking about adding porn to my sobriety definition, so if I fell by watching porn, I might as well go all the way and masturbate right?" 

I guess that makes sense, but I just really don't want to.

I don't really like masturbating anymore, I guess. Or, maybe I just still want to be able to say that I didn't masturbate for 11 months? 

In any case, I think I'm resetting my sobriety count.

Unfortunately, today won't be my first day clean, but that's ok. 

Maybe it's time to start looking into the question of what effects looking might have at various levels.

Try Motrin for the pain. It will subside eventually if you leave it alone, but teasing yourself with porn etc. only makes it worse. Keep yourself busy with good stuff.

KOMT!

Hey again,

I just wanted to share that I was watching this program (www.chabad.org/therebbe/livingtorah/player_cdo/aid/4052875/jewish/Even-More-Than-Before.htm)
and I started to cry.

From pain I guess. Not wanting to have done what I've done. Not wanting to suffer the negative effects of looking at shmutz.

Lol, I never really use that word, but I wanted to now for some reason. 

I guess I'm grappling with the worry/question is how long will I be doing stupid stuff like this for? The real answer is that I don't know, but I can try doing whatever I can to keep growing, learning etc. 

P.S. I usually don't have some much time to post (I heard the not so silent "phew"). I just took the day off from work because I was/am feeling so terrible. 

PEace!

I wish I understood you better.

Do me a favor, please. Let's pretend that you get a job getting people to convert to Judaism. Every time you convince someone to convert you make $100,000. If you don't succeed you get beat up. What would you say to the goy to persuade him/her to become a yid?