While chatting with another GYE member, he asked me a question: What inspires you to be clean?
 The problem is I can't figure out why I'm so interested in doing this. My first answer was because it's the right thing to do, but on the other hand, going to minyan is the right thing to do & I don't do that. Hmmmm

What is inspires me to stay clean is that it's necessary for me to live the good life. Not sufficient, but necessary. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 31 Jul 2017 22:04:

What do you consider the good life & are there other things that are necessary for you to do in order to live the good life, yet you don't them? If yes, what's the difference between staying clean and the other necessary things?

I don't know if I would go with the word inspired. I don't think I'm Inspired to stay clean, I just can't handle the pain of acting out. If I could, I probably would still be acting out despite all the inspiration. (Heck even now I'm not perfect). Different strokes for different folks, I can only share my limited experience

Hakolhevel wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:

Thank you for your response. What do you mean you can't handle the pain, what causes pain? Guilt?

As an addict, no inspiration is necessary for me to give up my life to God. Nor will it help either, because my powerlessness is stronger than any inspiration. Listening to a shiur never helped me in the long run. When I realized that if I continue acting the way that I was acting I would probably end up dead, I got sober. It took me up until that point. And when I relapsed last year, it took me a month of dangerous activity until I realized how low I was and I got myself out of it. I'm a slow learner and inspiration hasn't helped me yet. Only raw reality.

Shlomo24 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 17:36:

What's the difference between what you're saying & calling it being inspired by the fear of killing yourself? Is that not what's inspiring you to do what's right?

I was thinking those thoughts as I was writing it. There may be no difference. My main point is that it's not a feeling of inspiration. It's a reality that I need help.

bb0212 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:

The good life for me is a life of self-fulfillment and service.

Yes there are other things, but staying sober is the most basic requirement for me to live any type of life, and certainly a good one.

(Living, not surviving.) 

Why is this so? Maybe because for me acting out is the ultimate form of instant gratification and selfishness, the polar opposite of self-fulfillment and service. 

Hope that was clear.

Ihavestrength wrote on 01 Aug 2017 22:41:

Thank you for responding. The answer you gave was very clear.

bb0212 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:26:

Double life. I recently explained this in my thread in the last few pages if you would like you can check it out.

The past week or two, I been avoiding my thread.  My truck's tires are busted. The one thing that I remained clean in, is that I wasn't mz"l. Today, this morning, I was indulging my eyes in some of the forbidden fruit. I started wondering again why I care so much about this, & it seemed as if I was gonna give it up. Suddenly it hit me. I'm doing this because that what God wants. And the question that I had:


That's a good question, but it doesn't prove that I don't want to do what God wants. However, I realized that the yetzer hara waa way too powerful & there was no way I was gonna win. Desperate times call for desperate measures; I don't remember talking to God when I was in the shower before, but I had no choice. I told him "you're gonna have to fight the fight, cuz there's no way I'm gonna win". Just like that, the fight was over. Pretty awesome.

I am loving the surrender! Shower is a big acting out place for me. There were times when i walked in the shower and there was no way i was coming out there not having acted out. Thank God, i dont have those temptations anymore. 

bb0212 wrote on 14 Aug 2017 14:07:

Can I guess what soap do you used in the shower

Bh I had a great day today. Today was also rough, I hope that make sense. My שמירת עניים was purposefully not there. Other than that, my day was great. It's not like I was trying to rebel, rather, I just gave up at times. Throughout the day it was a struggle. At one point I was shmoozing with God about it, I asked for some help, told Him I really don't know what else to do. My feelings are mixed, in a way I feel like an ingrate (I think that's a word) because Hashem has showered me with blessing, yet I'm still looking at the forbidden.

/end rant