Hi all,
I'm going to try and start posting daily again iy"H. For today's post I wanted to give a bit of introduction about my struggle and place my story out there for the chevra to offer feedback and any advice.
I had always looked at p, during high school, but interestingly had not once m, I would spend hours looking at it on the computer fascinated by what I saw, and as time went on would need to look at more explicit scenes to satisfy my lust. Like I said however, I never once was motzei zera. I then went to Yeshiva in Israel and for 2 years didn't really have access to a computer and so didn't see any "p" or otherinappropriate images. When I was in Yeshiva in Israel, a group of chevra were talking about their struggle with "m" and I proudly (and regrettably foolishly) said that I had not once been "motzei zera". A few months later, when I was home from Yeshiva after Pesach, I was dawdling on the computer on AOL when an explicit image popped up, I felt this uncontrollable urge and was unable to look away and it led within a few seconds me compulsively typing in the name of a shmutz website and watching a relatively "soft core scene". This all happened in about the span of a minute. While watching the scene, my body was "motzei zera" without me touching anything.
While the feeling was unbelievable, like a drug, inside I felt horrible as this was the first time in my life I had been motzei zera and I had learned all about the horrible punishments for hotzes zera. But the pleasure was too great and as I reflect back now, deep down/subconsciously I was hooked. I was able to put off looking at "p" for a week after that by telling myself that Hashem would forgive me since I had only done it once and could still do Teshuva (I hadn't been "Shana bah") and in fact I ran to shul and poured out my heart to Hashem. But like I said the pleasure had been too enjoyable and deep down I wanted to feel that feeling again. A week later I was "motzei zera" this time on purpose. Once I had been "shana bah" doing it a second time, I felt now Hashem won't forgive me no matter what I do, and it became as the Mishna says in Yoma,"nasseh k'heter" and would ultimately over the next few years happen thousands of more times.
I was able in those days to keep it to once a week, I would spend hours learning as a "kapara" and because I love learning but when I was tired and irritable I would fall. This went on once a week for about 4-5 months. Ironically during this time, I was learning more than ever. The cycle would repeat itself, irritability, fall, say I won't do it again, take steps to do Teshuva, last for a few days, feel irritable, do it again. As the years went on I started to do it more than once a week and eventually every day, sometimes multiple times a day. During that time (these 5-6) years, I have made countless siyumim and spent thousands of hours learning, and have even wrote a Sefer with approbation from some of the gedolei Yisrael. But inside I have always been living a lie. I have taken on extra chumras, anything, as a kappara, I have fasted, but the issue has never gone away. I am married and it has lead to me being short tempered with my wife, and focusing only on myself during intimacy. I also prefer to be alone as much as possible and can't handle even minimal criticism. I am actually quite a friendly person, when im with people I put on a show of eager friendliness which people fall for and think of me as a very friendly guy but secretly I yearn to go back to being by myself with the lights off. There are times when I just feel I can't do this anymore and am going to go down to my grave with this issue. I have tried numerous times to break free, but after a few weeks, when the guilt of the last fall has fell away, and I'm feeling irritable and missing my best friend "the p" I always delude myself into thinking I will just look at a "semi kosher" website like Fox News, and not go any further, but I always know deep down that once I will see a semi inappropriate picture, I will consider myself "tamei" already and then it will lead but more importantly "allow" me to be able to act out (as it always does).
Two final points: I have come to believe that these years of torture are Hashems punishment for boasting in Yeshiva that I was never "motzei zera livatala" because now ironically I have probably been more times than any of my peers.
2) the ultimate irony is if you would see me on the street or know who I am, you would never in a million years suspect the secret I hide. I am (and I'm not saying this to boast) one of the top talmidim in my Yeshiva, and my rebbeim view me as one of the most promising individuals to lead klal yisrael. I am ashamed of this two faceness, this hypocrisy and it has lead me to basically give up on Davening, on saying brachos etc. on the outside I appear "so shtark" but on the inside I'm such a faker. I can't face Hashem anymore and serve him properly so aside from my learning, I secretly don't. I make tens of siyumim on my learning which maintain my appearance as someone who is very shtark, very promising, but I don't Daven really anymore or say brachas, I'm really a shell of the person I appear to be. I take the "path of least resistance" to looking shtark and brilliant by making the siyumim but I don't want to put in the hard work to actually be the person I purport to be in all parts of life, by fixing my middos, improving my Davening, following Halacha. and getting rid of the addiction. Part of this stems from since I have learned so much and know so much halacha, i know how "stressful" it would be to follow everything and therefore would rather do nothing then face the uncomfortable nature of trying to do everything.
(I don't work well with "sort of doing something, with seeing things as grey instead of black and white, I have always been all or nothing, this is why once I see a sort of tamei image on Fox News I feel "it's done I have fallen" and the seed is planted and I always end up watching more explicit things and being Motzei zera, and why once I fell that second time so long ago, I ended up considering myself a sinner and then falling a million more times)
There is such a daily sense of "yiush" of this is never going to end, never going to get better, that I'm in a cage and that although I can hold off from acting out for a few days, it's just me pretending that the cage isn't there but ultimately the urges always come back and I'm forced to realize that I'm still in the cage and am trapped. I'm so afraid of being ousted as a hypocrite that I don't take the steps towards a real recovery but rather continue to live the lie. I am in shock when I think about how many years this has been going on for, how many precious hours have been wasted, and the thousands of times by now that I have been motzei zera. I honestly believe that part of the reason I don't want to "get better" is because that will entail having to face my "aveiros" to come to terms with the enormity of my "crimes" and so I continue sinning rather than man up and face them. I'm sorry if this has become rambly but I just wanted to put all this out there.
