Hi all,

Whenever I had a fall I would feel like I couldn't carry on with life at all until I went to the Mikva & said Tikun Haklali, maybe its due to me spending such a long time reading up about the severity of pgam habris etc and the kabbala behind it. I don't regret it, however, I wish I did not read about this at such an early age. 
I am 20 years old now, but probably read about this all when I was 15 / 16?

Even when I go to the mikva, I end up falling after a week or so, maybe a few weeks, even a few months. Do you think I should just not go to the Mikva until I'm say 90 days clean, maybe this will be the motivation to help me get there?

What do you all think? What works for you / do you go to the Mikva every time and say Tikun Haklali etc ?

Hi there I too have the same problem with not being able to stay clean
It's hard to bounce back so many times but g-d loves you for that!

about falling even after going to the mikva 1)we are taught that tvillas ezra is not so practiced now (unless you are chassidish and go to the mikva every day anyway) 2)only you can say for sure that this would be a good motivation for yourself but i definitely think it's a good idea since for now you seem to be attached to what you read.

and about wishing that you didn't read that stuff did you ever speak it over with someone who has mesorah in these areas?i know a few people depending where you live(no i don't delve into these things but knowing people that do helps)who might be able to give you a differenr perspective if you want

Oh and by the way kudos for opening up about this keep going and you'll see it will help

Brother have you taken any gye tools in your hand in recent time?
OTAAT

For me, going to mikveh at all was just another form of denial. The wonderful feeling of washing away the shmutz, starting over and knowing it will never happen again was so enticing I would go back again and again.

The problem was that nothing had changed. So I was bound to fall again, it was just a matter of time. Then I would cry out to Hashem again, go back to mikveh again, wash away the shmutz and feel so positive that this time was the last time. For sure.

That's why I don't go to mikveh any more, even after 90 days. If I went on day 90, I would fall again before day 100, probably before day 92. I'm sure of it.

Have a read of Dov's post 'the nuclear reset button'.

On and off, I've attended a few of Dov's calls in the past, I read the emails etc .

By the way I watched the video in your signature, completely changed my perspective on addiction!

newbeginning wrote:

Great!

But we need to do more than perspect

We gotta do action

Either join rat park and act like a rat, or "the opposite of addiction is connection" and start building connections with people!!

Markz wrote on 21 Dec 2016 21:23:

Yes, but they got soakin' wet!

מקוה ישראל ה' - מה מקוה מטהר את הטמאים אף הקב"ה מטהר את ישראל

Whether you're an addict or not, your best Mikveh is Hashem.

Without Him, nothing will help. With Him, you can move mountains.

R' Nachman, who gave us Tikun Haklali, also taught us the secret of connecting to Hashem and talking to him in your own tongue. I once read a suggestion, that one should start this process by putting aside exactly 5 minutes a day to have a private talk with Hashem. Pretend He's your therapist, and unload all your issues upon Him.

קרוב ה' לכל קוראיו

cordnoy wrote:

OTAAT

One











Tevilla AAT

cordnoy wrote on 21 Dec 2016 21:47:

Gross.

Watson wrote on 21 Dec 2016 21:30:

...Like toiveling in chocolate milkshake?

"The wonderful feeling of washing away the shmutz, starting over and knowing it will never happen again was so enticing I would go back again and again. The problem was that nothing had changed. So I was bound to fall again, it was just a matter of time. Then I would cry out to Hashem again, go back to mikveh again, wash away the shmutz and feel so positive that this time was the last time. For sure. That's why I don't go to mikveh anymore"
Watson, that describes my experience with the mikveh EXACTLY.

I am afraid to go...but I will hopefully overcome that fear soon.
It is supposed to have a positive spiritual effect.
I just have to be careful not build it up to be an end all be all.
But avoiding it totally doesn't seem like the right response long-term.
Unless, it somehow triggers a negative response automatically, but
I don't think it does.  Something to think about.

My take on going to mikvah after a fall; 

I usually do go to mikvah and yes, I even feel a little better afterwards, but it has nothing to do with my recovery, the mikvah won't give me the sense that nothing happened nor will it help me not to slip again, all mikvah is to me is like taking a good shower in a hot sweaty summer day, I feel dirty after slipping and the mikvah takes that away but nothing more than that.

I know that I used to think that spirituality was a feeling. I got a clean feeling from going to the mik and I thought that I felt holy. I don't believe that one can feel holiness or spirituality. Maybe a kabbalist but not me. If I blindfolded someone and put his nose an inch from the kosel he wouldn't be able to tell. So when people claim they feel spiritual I get kinda nervous.

Shlomo24 wrote on 23 Dec 2016 16:39:

II have argued this exact point many times.

However, I must say that it is perhaps due to my low level. I'd assume that the higher one climbs, the more he can "feel" things at different times and locations.

May we all be zoche.