MayanHamisgaber wrote on 17 Jul 2017 17:19:


MayanHamisgaber wrote on 19 Jul 2017 10:41:



It would seem that I am meant to work on my emunah and bitachon as there is now one more option that came up out of the blue for next zman and it is even better than the previous ones 

Please continue to have me in mind that if it is the right thing for me that I should be accepted into this kollel

Thank you

Another day another fall

Getting back up moving on

Keep on trucking chaver. Keep it strong. you are a worthy person. Please share with us what you will be doing today to stay cleanfor the next 24 hours?

Thanks

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 07 Aug 2017 18:39:

Sorry to hear that

I've been listening to Dov recently
He raised an interesting question - I hope I'm (dov) quoting correctly 

Why do we call it a "fall"?
So then are we not in control?
What moving on is there to do if we are outa control?

lomed wrote on 07 Aug 2017 19:23:

This truck is broken

Why do you think I am a worthy person?

I am going to sleep and worry about this a different time

Markz wrote on 07 Aug 2017 19:45:

I would rather call it a failure. I call it a fall as that is what the lingo is here.

No we are not in control when in the lust. Moving on has many meanings, I had in mind 2
1) One moves on in life and does "steps" to stay out of lust
2) Hamaivin yavin

Markz wrote on 07 Aug 2017 19:45:

For the record the big book calls it a fall. 

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 07 Aug 2017 20:06:


Wow Mayan, sounds like you're going through a really difficult time. Hopefully, the following will help a bit. It's ok if you're sleeping now, this is for when you wake up.

  מודה אני לפניך מלך חי וקיים
I am thankful before You, living & everlasting King
שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחמלה,
That you returned into me my soul, with compassion.
רבה אמונתך
Your faith (in me) is great!

When you say מודה אני in the morning, you can translate it as it's translated above. (Even if you already said it today, say it again, but slowly, with concentration.)

We all know the Hashem is the Ultimate everything. With regards to the greatness of faith, regardless of what the faith is directed at, however great anybody's faith is, Hashem's is infinitely greater.
In מודה אני, we say how Hashem(❗) has faith in us. Not just faith, but great faith❗

Now, if Hashem, who has the greatest ability for faith, if He believes in me, who am I not to believe in myself? Even if I don't believe in myself, does it really matter? The truth clearly is that I CAN do it, for if that weren't the case, Hashem wouldn't have faith in us.

Mayan, however broken your truck is, however much you consider yourself unworthy, this morning, our loving Father returned your soul to you knowing that today you will have challenges. He knows that today you're going to be tempted. He knows when & how you'll be tempted. Yet, the Master of the universe also knows how strong you are, even more than you know it. He believes that you're able to succeed today. If you don't feel that way, perhaps consider talking to Him about it.

Abba is waiting to see your success, you can do this!
It may be really difficult right now, but tell me: have you ever succeeded in the past when it was extremely difficult?

הצלחה אחי❗
If you already have God rooting for you, I seriously don't know if it makes any difference, but I'm rooting for you too!

Sorry Mayan you are having a rough time. You know you have inspired many, including me. You seem to genuinely care about all of us. Time to have some compassion on yourself. Get up, wash off the dirt, and get back on track one hour at a time. You know it can be done. You have tasted it. This period was a ditch in the path up a mountain. Now that you have crossed it, you realize you are still high up on the trail. Best wishes. G-d bless you.

Thank you all for trying to repair this broken vehicle

Caring for others and giving a way to see things is easy as Dov says even a young child has a really clear mind right after he acts out. The trick is to be able to see oneself as if from another persons point of view, something that I cannot do.

Inspiring others I do not know about that but if there are those that get inspired so be it.

If I would have compassion on myself I wont say where I would be now.

I am tired of all this 
I just want to be normal (do not say that I am)
I want all of this to stop
I just want to live a normal healthy happy life

I do not think that that life will ever be mine

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 08 Aug 2017 19:17:

I don't know if you're normal or not; I know that I am not.
I also wanna live life without lustin'.
Will that happen? I don't know.
Has it happened? Nope.
The past two days - even more than usual. I spoke to God about it a bit today.

However, "healthy" and "happy" can be adjectives that describe my life as of late - certainly more than before. It did take lots of work and some risks were taken in recovery, but it was/is well worth it.

B'hatzlachah to you

Nice to see you still postin'

I was expectin' this type of response but did not think it would be you.

Thanks

p.s. No I am not normal
       I too speak to G-d 
       I am not holdin' my breath waitin' for an answer

ttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbb

(that was for the edit) :-p

Hey mayan, I Iove your posts. Maybe you should join the phone conferences. Or take some other step. Make the fall worth it. Sry if that's not relevant. I wish you only the best. I know the anguish of this horrible addiction.