So, my son got an electronic, credit card version of Monopoly. But, when can we ever play it? It's a long game and it can't be used on Shabbos. Well, last night we played until pretty late...2 games. He loved it...I enjoyed the quality time with him...and I'm thinking back on it now,  that just a few short months ago, this wouldn't have happened, because I would  race to the streaming stupids...after 72 minutes of course....but closed off and alone nonetheless. This is a huge improvement.

Too good not to "double post".

PSHHH!!

The fast destroyed me But still clean BH!

I fell big time. Very hard to admit, but it happened.
It started back on the beginning of Chanuka.
I turned back on streaming for youtube to listen to new Jewish music over Chanuka. 
Also messed around with the time settings, because of Chanuka being home more...
and then left it open without "x"ing it after I changed the settings,
(yetzer hara 100%) so that I could change it again, when my son would be asleep,
in order to continue wasting time, relaxing instead of going to sleep myself.
Now, all this time later, I had a major fall.

There really isn't a "streaming" or "no streaming" button,
but rather, the choice is between: "block access to websites from selected categories"
(and I select the categories to block - adult content, violence, etc.) OR
"block access to all websites" (and I select the exclusions,
meaning each and every single website that I will allow the computer to access).
But, because streaming videos use several websites in the background, beneath the surface,
(not a computer guy, but whatever it's called)
if I want streaming videos to actually work, I need to hit the first button and not the second.
So, all adult content/bad stuff was supposed to be blocked, but when I tested it, hoping to see the green screen saying "website blocked" and feel safe and in control,
(testing to see that the ice is thick enough to hold your weight by jumping on it,
is a VERY stupid idea, to put oneself in such a vulnerable spot, since if it isn't,
you are going to fall through and almost die!).

Anyway, first I put in a forbidden streaming site, and it was blocked. But then I put in "queen victoria"
and to my surprise, it worked. Well, that was it. I tried other underwear sites, most of them it blocked.
But then there is Land's End swimsuits and any department store and amazon, etc. etc. 
So, clearly this is NOT going to work, leaving the computer streaming ability on,
even though none of these are streaming videos. I can't believe that I was surprised again
(so stupid and foolish) and fell through the ice again.
I have to go back to the more extreme setting where everything is blocked, except what I tell it to allow. And then, only allow sites that won't set me off. 

And if I need to change the time settings with my son one night,
then I will make sure I don't fall into the same trap again and hit "x" afterward,
so that I can't change it alone...later. I told him that he should stay to watch me hit the "x" closing the password/parental controls, just in case I have other ideas shas misah.

Picked myself back up. Updated my chart. Read the page: guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/21-principles-for-the-struggle
Thought about it. Emailed someone. Talked at length with him.
And now, moving on.

Also, I think I MAY just post after a test:
if I passed it, how did I pass it; and if I failed it, how/why did I fail it, 
AND how am I going to fix the situation, so that I will succeed better in the future.
Just keeping track of all the days, seems kind of silly...
especially because, Boruch HaShem, many days I don't really have a test, and therefore it really isn't instructive AT ALL to say that I had another clean day.
When someone asks how you are doing in Math class, you don't say:
"well, I've done well the past 24 days, but when we had a test today, I failed it.
And before that, I did really well for 36 days. I even passed 1 big test and a quiz.
But then when there was another big test, I failed it."
Rather, a person only says how he has done on the tests.
On the days there wasn't a test, you don't get too much credit for...
and it isn't really an indication of how he is doing in the class...
and people are in several different math classes and even different classes on entirely different subjects...
so the amount of tests each person has is NOT the same. One guy gets an "A" in the course,
but there was only 1 big paper at the end, and it was leniently graded. Another guy has quizzes
every week and a major test every month. His "A" is A LOT more impressive.

So, how I failed I wrote already. And 1 of the steps (switching the button) I've already discussed.
Also, in an effort to improve and grow, and hopefully not fall again, I am changing the time limits 
so that there will be no computer at night...only dinner, family time, and learning or reading.
This will help me to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. And this will give me time to exercise, 
sometimes with music and sometimes with an inspiring shiur. This is a fantastic start of my day, if I can consistently do it, since each thing: connecting night with family, going to sleep early, getting up and exercising, and taking a hot shower, will put me in a good mood.
And If I succeed and pass whatever tests HaShem sends me in this area of tyvas nashim, meaning:
no looking for any length of time at women body parts in reality or on a screen or on a paper
and no masturbating/touching myself that causes wasting seed that week,
then I will have a special late breakfast with my wife on Friday that I pay for, either buying all the special ingredients or going to a restaurant. If I don't succeed that whole week, then no special breakfast.

This will hopefully be a positive incentive and work, as opposed to the taphsic shavua,
which I can't/don't seem to be able to figure out what will work for ME.

I think I need to build up my strength (seeing something and not reacting and acting out SEVERAL times, before a taphsic thing is going to work. Now, it's almost like I've lost control and really will act out,
similar to a Pavlov dog who has been conditioned to respond to a certain thing. That's why for now, I need to focus on removing and blocking that stimulus from happening...so that I don't respond.

Also, I had a Rosh HaYeshiva who advised me to try to get 10 times in a row of NOT listening to yourself
when you tell yourself that you want to do something...let's say scratch your ear or read your email now.
And by not listening to that voice, YOU are learning to exert control over yourself...so that when you have a shas nisayon, and want to act out, YOU will be stronger and may resist it and let it wash over and win!
It's deceptively difficult to do. I got to 5 or 6 and tried it for a week, before stopping since it was driving me crazy. But, I may try it again.

Sorry to hear about all that.

Hatzlachah moving further.

I must say that although this was discussed already, the thought of your son holdin' the other half of the password - to me, is ludicrous.

Regardless, take your steps, hold your head up high for movin' in right direction and pray for success.

Honestly, I haven't gotten back to the Rov, even though it's been almost a month
(and not just 2 weeks), since the system basically worked. I just didn't hit "x" to close it off, which left me vulnerable. I will have to be more careful about either not changing it OR when I need/want to change it, making sure that I hit "x" afterward. And I told him to watch me hit it, so it definitely happens.
Maybe I'll call the Rov...but will probably try another month, and see if it can/will actually help me...
before "putting myself out there" and opening up to him again. Especially calling right after a fall, is not something I think I would do.

Just to be clear: my son never goes on the computer. He has no access to it,
and can't go on it anyway, because there is a password just to get started.
He isn't my mashgiach. I don't have to get permission from him. 
He is simply holding the 2nd half of the "content and time controls" password, 
so that I don't in a moment of weakness change it. This way, I don't have access to it
to change it alone...and he is often not home or awake when I am more vulnerable and might fail.
The Rov, once he understood what I was asking, was not against the idea,
nor did he think that it was ridiculous. 
Many people use their wives to hold 1/2 or all of their password, but that doesn't work for me.
She became judgmental and mashgiachy.
Having some guy outside the house always coming, isn't practical.
And allowing someone to remotely access and take over my computer doesn't work for me.
So, in my situation, this is the best option I could think of. 
If you or anyone else has a better idea, then I am still open to it.

Yosef, sorry to hear about the fall. But you have the right attitude. Get back up, find where the weak spots were and fix them, and keep going. Keep on working on tweaking the fences, and also on fixing the inside. 

There are 3 parts to this war. Getting stopped, staying stopped, and removing the need to start.

KOMT!!

Sorry to hear




What do those last 2 words mean - and did you say that whole last sentence to him?

I'm sorry to hear that you fell. 
I do like the idea of keeping a log of when you have challenges to write down what they were and if you passed or failed. I also think there is benefit in writing a log everyday of how the day went

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 10 Jan 2017 12:55:

I noticed many times when someone walked into shul while I was davening/learning I would instinctively look up. I try very hard to be cognizant of it and it seems to strengthen me when I am walking in the street or in a store to not take stock of who's coming and going.

I admire your openness and honesty. Keep up your hard work
Continued Hatzlacha

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 10 Jan 2017 12:55:


I think it is a very proactive idea to build up your willpower regarding how you react to things that you see. It may be difficult to stop a bird from landing on your head (a thought or image pops up), but you can stop it from making a nest there (the thought/image sticking).

Mark, I told him that "I am going to try not to have the computer on at all at night.
This way, we can spend more quality family time together, talking, eating, listening to music, whatever.
And then learn and go to sleep early.
But, on occasion, when I may need to use the computer at night,
you'll put in your part (the second 1/2) of the password, and I will use it for whatever.
But then, please watch that I hit the "x" button, which will again lock it like it was before."

My whole family knows that spending too much time on the computer
is a bad habit for me that I am trying to stop.

What I mean by the words "shas misah" is that let's say I change the time settings
that night to go off in an hour...
but I don't "x" out the "content and time controls" screen, then when it comes close to that hour limit, 
I may very well change it again...to give myself another hour...and this can unfortunately 
repeat itself for many hours...even the whole night sometimes!

Your post brings to mind the second and third questions of the daily renewal.

2)  Do  you  desire  sobriety  for  the  next  24  hours:  freedom  from  sexual  obsession and  acting  out,  freedom  from  fear,  resentment,  shame,  and  isolation?    

3)  Are  you  willing  to  do  whatever  is  necessary  to  protect  this  desire  including spiritual  reading,  reaching  out  and  calling  others,  prayer  and  meditation,  physical care  of  your  body,  setting  appropriate  boundaries,  and  refusing  all  lust  hits  as toxic? 

A fall doesn't occur in a vacuum
It happens way before the wall comes crashing down

I want you to checkout this gye video to hear about addiction 101 - how does our mind work (or not) - specifically minute 6:40 and on...

True, you may not have been intending from 3 weeks prior, but if that's the first step of my fall, I'd consider it the key to a fall

The solution however is not to continue to use our addict brain to break free... we gotta stop building new fences, cos the terrorists will cv come back thru tunnels... drones...