And now a word from the Mashgiach Ruchani / Executive Mashpia of GYE
who says "you need to tell you..."

Right click HERE

Markz wrote on 23 Dec 2016 14:33:

Left clickin' links don't work on mobile.
(external sites are not allowed....yada, yada, boo)

II don't know how to right click on this.

cordnoy wrote on 23 Dec 2016 14:41:

Instead of clicking the link, hold your finger on the link for a few seconds
Youll get a pop up with options to view the Mashgiach in a new window

Markz wrote on 23 Dec 2016 15:02:

Thank you for instructions and the link.
 thatI is super!
You go!

Markz wrote on 23 Dec 2016 14:33:

Who dat?

I know...

It's KHALEEEED!!!

cordnoy wrote on 23 Dec 2016 14:26:

That's also what stuck out to me. A hell of a lot of self going on.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 23 Dec 2016 13:06:


Yosef,

Come on buddy, you gotta recognize that you sound very self centered. The first time that my wife found out that I looked at pornogrpahy, she said that we wouldn't be together for a while, and I had been clean for two weeks. I said "But how will I stay clean?" She really let me have it about how selfish I am. Here she is in shock and I only care about my program.

Yosef, you decided to change and they 1) haven't seen it for a long time so don't necessarily believe it, and 2) who says that hey have to change just because you want to?

You can tell them as the father that you want to have family supper, and that might be meaningful to them, by to tell them that you want family supper because you're not looking at he computer or bc YOU want to isn't very inspiring.

And we still love you and aren't picking on you, but try to see the self centeredness here.

One's environment can make it easier or harder to pass the nisayon. That is a fact.
I am writing about my personal experiences trying to pass this nisayon, so I think it's fair that
I write about how my family not being ready for dinner/family time, makes it more difficult for me
to pass the nisayon, since it creates a vacuum, which the yetzer hara then pushes to fill.
Of course, my writings about my experiences will be from my point of view,
"centered around myself", but is this something wrong...being self-centered? Suppose, I was on 
a weight loss forum, writing about my experiences trying to lose weight, and someone said:
man, all of your posts are about you, you, you. What you can't eat. How the holidays are difficult 
for you, because of all the special treats. Why can't you ever look at it from someone else's 
perspective? Just because you are on a diet, does that mean that your wife and family have to change?
Let them make and eat their latkas and sufganiot and pizza and popcorn, and just have a salad in the corner on your own. Think of their happiness.
I don't think so, but maybe. But I would think they are mistaken too. Where else am I going to open up about my experiences and difficulties and challenges? Who else would/should understand where I'm coming from? My family may not get it, but at least the people on the forums will get it and offer me 
support and encouragement.
Hey stop being so selfish. Let them eat their cake and just change yourself, is not what I'm looking for. That is not going to be the uplifting message to help me stay focused on my diet. 
Does anybody truly think that it is? That you can only give tough love,
and say work on yourself. You are the only one responsible for what goes in your mouth.
Stop focusing on externals.
I personally feel that this is NOT the best way, and would motivate me and push me in the OPPOSITE 
direction towards feeling isolated and alone and giving up and eating whatever feels good right now.
---------------
Then, I heard a great insight from Rav Fishel Shechter, who basically says that it IS all up to me,
and that I can't use my environment as a valid excuse for my failing (I wrote this on the Beis Medrash forum, but I will copy it over here, so more people will see it):
Parshas Vayayshev is the story of Nisyonos. 
The Beis Avraham from the Slonimer, says an amazing insight.
The end of the parsha talks about the cheit of Er and Onan, which is the cheit 
of motzeishichvaszera. And it comes right after the nisayon of Yosef HaTzadik.
And he says the point of the posuk is that you have 2 sons of Yehuda, Melech Yisroel, 
growing up in Eretz Yisroel,
and you have Yosef, who was without his father, totally separated from his brothers, 
with the guilt and anger of what happened to him, thrown into a pit 
and then sold as a slave by his own brothers, who were tzadikim doing it l'shem shamayim. 
So, he is all alone, in a foreign environment, with all the excuses in the world 
to act out and go off the deep end...
and yet he passed his huge nisayon and was successful. 
And you have, Er and Onan, who grew up in a loving home, with Yehuda as their father, 
in Eretz Yisroel, and they blow it. 
This comes to teach us that environment isn't everything/isn't the factor. 
Sometimes, it's just an excuse. Don't blame your environment.
If a person really tries, there is a  siatad'shemaya to keep us going and be successful.

In a similar vein, Rav Hutner said that the ikker nisayon in America is apikorsus, 
and the biggest apikorsus is that a person doesn't believe in himself...
in the power of his tefilas, the power of a mitzvah, of a blatt Gemara.

Maybe Rabbi Shechter got his shiur from our Mashgiach Ruchani / Executive Mashpia of GYE?

See video mentioned above 
עיין שם היטב היטב

Yosef did you have the time yet to checkout that 6 minute video?

Markz, I would like to see the video.
I tried, but I can't get it to work.
Maybe you could send it in a different way.
-------------
I am responsible for my successes and failures. I "get" the message of Rav Fishel Schechter, 
which you are saying is the same message in the short video too.
I am merely adding, that having a support network will make it easier and more likely that I will
succeed. And the converse is, unfortunately, true too.
---------
Rav Ben Zion Shafier talks about it as a "home court advantage". All teams seem to do better when they play at home with their crowds supporting them.
---------
Do you "get" what I am saying, though?

Here is what Boruch_Hashem wrote about this:
"Good job on your new 'upgraded system.'
It is impressive that you more or less upgraded the system over night.
I don't think that it is fair, however, to expect everyone else in the family
to flip the switch the same exact second that you do.
It has been months (years?) since you made a special focus to family time
and supper, you cannot expect that the minute you decide that you want it again,
they will all be there waiting for you.
You need to earn their trust again,
they may need to see that you really are committed to this upgrade,
before they get their hopes too high up and jump on board.
Keep up the good work, and keep a positive attitude,
creating a positive atmosphere in the home.
When your family sees that you are really committed to this "upgrade"
and desire quality family interaction, they will slowly come on board.
Be patient and positive. Hatzlacha Rabba."

I appreciated this post very much, and was able to hear the mussar and accept it 
a lot easier, than getting slammed.

Hi Yosef. Congratulations on your amazing commitment and progress. 



If I can offer a suggestion... when you come home and supper isn't ready, pitch in and help! You won't be bored, your wife will appreciate it, and you will be having even more quality time with the family. 



Stay chilled and enjoy some Wild Cold Turkey!

This forum is about saying the truth or getting as close to the core honest depths as we can.

true recoveryI is about the same.

Saying nice motivational things is for the shmuz or whatever.

Not everyone can handle this.

B'hatzlachah

I am surprised that people actually read the posts. If I start thinking of Purim when I see a post I usually don't read it. Even from Dov. 

cordnoy wrote:

What should someone do if they have a wife that doesn't ask for things in the most pleasantly packaged fluffy presentation?

Some of us (myself included) need to learn how to live with others, even if they tell us the truth about ourselves, especially when those people only mean for our good (eg wife, or friends on this forum that ALL are only here to share our travels together and give each other a daily boost)

Yosef - am I making sense?



Your friend :-)
Mark