Shavuah tov, everyone. This shabbos was unreal. I literally "white-knuckled" it through. The pull to masturbate was so intense that I was having physical symptoms of anxiety and stress trying to hang on. Thank G-d I did not fall on shabbos shuvah, but I am shaken by this attack. 

I had been doing very well, I was under control. Today, the intrusion on my davening, seudah, afternoon, the whole day, of very disturbing imagery replaying itself from my mental cache of porn completely threw me and I felt literally sick at moments trying to imagine how I will get through the day. 

I DID get through the day, but my decision to stop masturbation seems to have ratcheted up the urge to a relentless point. 

Is this normal? Is the my YH pushing back harder because I am fighting harder? Does this get better? 

Anyone have any insights? I was slammed today. 

Brother I'm impressed with your efforts!!

KUTGW
keep up the good work

for your own benefit it would be good to keep your story on one thread. I know your story that you shared on the forum, but others that just came on today I will not see anything prior, so it makes sense to keep to one

Now what do you think has been working for you the past few weeks. 
Seems to me it's posting on the forum. What happens when Roshashana falls on a Thurs and there's 3 days with no forum...

Also has the forum really turned things around for you, or only served as you say white knuckling... 

Markz, sorry about the thread. I didn't realize. I really have NOT been whiteknuckling it until the last 24 hours. I've had some moments where I had to reject the urge I normally would have acted on and that was not my favorite thing but I moved ahead past it. Just this past 24 hours was unreal. RH I was good. 

I do feel that I am staying very close to GYE right now because I get a great deal of support just interacting with the others and it helps me stay sane. I've been frum 10 years and could not speak to anyone. So I feel connection on the site. 

This was my first white knuckle moment. It just threw me. 

You had a tough challenge and now you're fine. You didn't act out and it didn't kill you. Now, if it were me, I'd move on and keep working my program.

serenity wrote:

That's the plan! Thanks serenity. 

Was there anything you did to get yourself through it?

I just kept telling myself it would set me back to square one. I kept reminding myself what an aveira it would be. I kept reminding myself how I would feel like a horrible, worthless shameful person, which is how I usually feel when I act out. 

All that said, it was harder than I ever imagined it would be to say no to m***. It was like a drug withdrawal in a way. I felt it both emotionally and physically. I hope I'll be better prepared for the next one. 

Not that I have any experience with drug withdrawal...that, thank G-d, has not been a problem. One addiction is enough!!!