Day 83!!!
Whew been a couple of tough days. Struggling with some dating issues. (and not getting as much sleep as I should) Before elaborating I just want to say that there were many very positive and good times (in fact the majority of the past bunch of days has been great) The following is more for making it mesudar in my mind over sharing it since I think the bottom line, as shall be explained, is a face to face thing. So bear with me and I hope its not too graphic. I had two days in particular that were very up and down, but I kept with it and once again I felt amazing when I overcame it (Closer to Him and stronger than before). [once again showing me that no matter how bleak something may seem, there is ALWAYS something amazing on the other side!!] Trying to keep that confidence and truth in Him up.
Anyway, onto an issue that has been bothering me. I don't think that an internet forum of anonymous people is the best place to share this (and I plan on discussing it in person with someone, but I would like to hear the very insightful feedback to be found amongst the heiliger people on this forum) So here goes:
I have been dating someone. We went out about six times so far. Seems to be going well. She is from a great family, very stable person, does a lot of chesed, cute in many ways, as well as many other wonderful things and qualities. I am operating on advice from a rebbe as well as the book "a mashgiach's guide to shidduchim" their it writes the idea of red light dating. Which means that due to some arrangement by Hashem you started going out with someone. So that could very well mean that they are you bashert. Therefore, it is advisable to date until a red flag occurs, then you know that she is not for you. My rebbe echoed this advice as well. So where I stand now, No red lights. Which is good, I just don't feel attracted to her, though she is very beautiful. (Could describe when I first met her as beautiful, but not what I was expecting. When I asked myself what I was expecting I drew a blank. Better, I suppose, than some other things I might have drawn
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
) So, I don't know what it is, I have just spent nearly three months cutting out lust from my thinking which may deaden an emotional thing in this area. Maybe it's making me more detached (like keeping that part of me at arms length). Also I am well aware that infatuation is a big blown up form of hot air and not an indicator of a bashert. I am confused as to what degree being attracted to a person plays in actually marrying them, if, on the one hand, love comes after marriage and therefore this is all fake before hand (although Hashem made attraction in the world to bring people together). (are there any articles or posts that discuss an addicts objective in this area?)
This probably ties into another thing I have been thinking about, which is being terrified of real intimacy with a person. (okay, maybe not terrified, but certainly nervous) why? because, I have just been working steadily to remove my twisted and fake view of what intimacy means (lust) and now I am staring at a blank empty slate. (I hope it is completely blank). I know that real intimacy is such an amazing beautiful thing in a tremendously powerful spiritual way, I just have a tumadik view of it (Which b'H is being worked on
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
) Now, given all of that, I say to Hashem, that what happens when I get married IS something beautiful which I cannot understand now, maybe ever. Right now, it is irrelevant to me, inasmuch as someone who has never ridden a bike is wasting his time contemplating what it must be like to ride a bike so too, I think it is not productive to dwell on it. I just need to focus on TODAY!!! Hashem will help me through that when I get there.
Even if i don't like to admit it, these are my true thoughts on the matter, and I think writing it out in and of itself was very helpful. Better truth than more fakeness.
Given this whole stream of consciousness The most obvious step are to speak to
someone whose judgment I trust
in person. Which I plan to do. That being said, I also am interested in what fellow gye'rs have to say.
Thank you and the most important thing is to remain positive and let Him take care of things One day at a time!!