Amain Shlomo24! Thank you.

Thank you Hashem for helping reach DAY 76!!!

I don't deserve it, will never deserve it, but thank You. 

May all the wonderful people here at GYE be zoche to internalize the ONE DAY AT A TIME principle and may we be Zoche to keep trucking ad yemos hamoshiach bimhairah Viyameinu!!

BeHatzlacha GYE!!!

WOW!!! Good for you bro! Keep trucking, you'll get there!

Day 83!!!

Whew been a couple of tough days. Struggling with some dating issues. (and not getting as much sleep as I should) Before elaborating I just want to say that there were many very positive and good times (in fact the majority of the past bunch of days has been great) The following is more for making it mesudar in my mind over sharing it since I think the bottom line, as shall be explained, is a face to face thing. So bear with me and I hope its not too graphic. I had two days in particular that were very up and down, but I kept with it and once again I felt amazing when I overcame it (Closer to Him and stronger than before). [once again showing me that no matter how bleak something may seem, there is ALWAYS something amazing on the other side!!] Trying to keep that confidence and truth in Him up.

Anyway, onto an issue that has been bothering me. I don't think that an internet forum of anonymous people is the best place to share this (and I plan on discussing it in person with someone, but I would like to hear the very insightful feedback to be found amongst the heiliger people on this forum) So here goes:

I have been dating someone. We went out about six times so far. Seems to be going well. She is from a great family, very stable person, does a lot of chesed, cute in many ways, as well as many other wonderful things and qualities. I am operating on advice from a rebbe as well as the book "a mashgiach's guide to shidduchim" their it writes the idea of red light dating. Which means that due to some arrangement by Hashem you started going out with someone. So that could very well mean that they are you bashert. Therefore, it is advisable to date until a red flag occurs, then you know that she is not for you. My rebbe echoed this advice as well. So where I stand now, No red lights. Which is good, I just don't feel attracted to her, though she is very beautiful. (Could describe when I first met her as beautiful, but not what I was expecting. When I asked myself what I was expecting I drew a blank. Better, I suppose, than some other things I might have drawn ) So, I don't know what it is, I have just spent nearly three months cutting out lust from my thinking which may deaden an emotional thing in this area. Maybe it's making me more detached (like keeping that part of me at arms length).  Also I am well aware that infatuation is a big blown up form of hot air and not an indicator of a bashert. I am confused as to what degree being attracted to a person plays in actually marrying them, if, on the one hand, love comes after marriage and therefore this is all fake before hand (although Hashem made attraction in the world to bring people together). (are there any articles or posts that discuss an addicts objective in this area?)

This probably ties into another thing I have been thinking about, which is being terrified of real intimacy with a person. (okay, maybe not terrified, but certainly nervous) why? because, I have just been working steadily to remove my twisted and fake view of what intimacy means (lust) and now I am staring at a blank empty slate. (I hope it is completely blank). I know that real intimacy is such an amazing beautiful thing in a tremendously powerful spiritual way, I just have a tumadik view of it (Which b'H is being worked on ) Now, given all of that, I say to Hashem, that what happens when I get married IS something beautiful which I cannot understand now, maybe ever. Right now, it is irrelevant to me, inasmuch as someone who has never ridden a bike is wasting his time contemplating what it must be like to ride a bike so too, I think it is not productive to dwell on it. I just need to focus on TODAY!!! Hashem will help me through that when I get there. 

Even if i don't like to admit it, these are my true thoughts on the matter, and I think writing it out in and of itself was very helpful. Better truth than more fakeness.

Given this whole stream of consciousness The most obvious step are to speak to someone whose judgment I trust in person. Which I plan to do. That being said, I also am interested in what fellow gye'rs have to say.

Thank you and the most important thing is to remain positive and let Him take care of things One day at a time!!

I think you wrote so well, and it seems like you're doing well and doing the right things. Of course you should speak to an individual that you trust, and you said you will.

Here's my two cents. Your nerves and stream of consciousness as you call it seem very normal and understandable; it doesn't seem earth shaking at all. Sometimes, a person can be not attracted to someone at all even if they're beautiful, but that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like you're working hard. It to let your head go places it shouldn't.

I'll let you in on a little secret, one that I struggle with but have definitely seen firsthand. If you watch your eyes in a serious way, you will find desire and pleasure with your wife. I'm not promising you what it will be like, but I can tell you in a general sense that when you watch our eyes and you direct your sexual energy toward your spouse in a non-selfish way as an xpression of love and a relationship, it works out. It's when we look, compare, and fantasize that things suffer. So it sounds like if you continue doing what you're doing, you'll be fine.

But definitely work on the shmiras einayim as much as you can, and speak to that person you said you would. Hatzlacha, it sounds good. Keep us posted!

Thank you Workingguy for your advice. I think your answer was in some ways exactly what I needed to hear. I think that the shmiras eynayim thing is critical, especially in this area. I will bli neder try to keep that more at the forefront of this endeavor.I did also speak to that person I mentioned and I think the issue is clearing up B'H!! So thank you. 

Today is DAY 89, Baruch Hashem!!  

Very close to 90, though tomorrow will be no different than today, and the day afterwards no different than the previous. my job is one day at a time and with HIS help the trucking will go on!! 



Thank you to all the GYE members who create such an amazing and encouraging support group here on the forum. It truly means a lot to me and helps me through the daily grind of things knowing that I am not alone in my striving for growth in this inyan!! Kol Hakavod GYE!!

TzedekChaim wrote on 04 Dec 2016 18:13:

KUTGW! Let's turn this 90 into something much more than that. One day at a time.

Thank you Shlomo24! One Day at a time it is B'H!!

Today is 91. Wow! 

One thought I had/realization today was that whenever I get stuck thinking what a sad case my life is, or look at how messed up I am. and I feel very vulnerable. (I have had bouts of this here and there over the past 90 days) I realized today that the thoughts are just the yetzer harah trying to get me down since then I am truly vulnerable. One this I have noticed with some of my thoughts that is if the train of thought it will lead to, leads to me feeling sorry and down about myself, then it is not worth thinking about. I am sick, and people missing legs don't have to go about their day thinking oh, what a shameful and lousy case I am. It is not proper. So I realized it today, and b'H after that the thoughts went away and I was back on track b"H!! They may come back at some point, but I will be a bit wiser when they do.

Let the trucking continue!!!

Thank you Markz. I appreciate the use of digital confetti (it makes less of a mess ). JK!

Baruch Hashem toDAY is 94! Thank you Hashem for holding my hand thus far. And for always taking care of me in an infinite number of ways that I cannot possibly understand.

Incidentally I have 727 clean days total since joining GYE just over two years ago. That's just 3 days away from 2 whole years of not acting out. That's pretty amazing! I understand that it is not about the total but in a war 727 victories to some 30 or so losses is pretty good. Obviously the goal is for total recovery which is the best of victories, but dealing with the problem even if not perfectly still adds up to a lot more than I would have thought.

b'Hatzlacha GYE!!

That's amazing, bro.

Today was 97!! Thank you Hashem!!

I had a concern in my mind that was bothering me very much over shabbos about something foolish I had done when acting out about 6-8 years ago. It was a stupid thing to have done in retrospect (I won't go into it in details at all, but I had some potential medical concern that I wanted to make sure about). In the end I decided that I should tell someone and spoke with my father. I explained to him the basic picture of what I have gone through in the past ten years or so. He was very understanding and said that we could look into finding a doctor to make an appointment with. I think that he was very proud of me for telling him. It certainly took a load of my chest. I have tremendous thanks to Hashem for helping me through with that discussion.

Taking it one day at a time. That's the goal. Just today, and then tomorrow I'll worry about when I get there.

It's very hard to keep so many important ideas and perspectives in my mind. (Just gotta keep reviewing them and trying to apply those freshest on the list) It's kindof like a one to three week cycle of GYE ideas that I have been going through, obviously also learning even more from experience. The MOST important thing and the one that persists throughout the cycle b'H is not lusting. (or dismissing the lust as soon as it shows up. 3 second rule and all)

1) working on lust
2) working on positive active attitudes
3) smiling
4) hakaras hatov
5) building my relationship with Him.
6) everything else that works...

Just some ideas and things I have been working on.

ODAT!!! and keep the trucking up!!

b'H today is DAY 100!!!

Just keep trucking!!!

Thank you GYE for saving my life.

ODAAT

One day at a time, 103 times! 

Wow! Keep going!