DAY 75 b'H!!!! Thank you Hashem, for helping me so generously, and giving me this oppourtunity for growth on all fronts.
Thank you yidfrommonsey, shlomo24, and singularity for the tremendous chizuk and encouragement!!
Feeling like Knowing that there are people there with me in this struggle makes it so much easier (for a good image eyin lihavdil harry potter when he goes to face down voldemort)
The avraham/yitzchak/yaakov imagery/idea is very powerful. But I have to say that I identify more with the yitzchak stage. (well, actually, I find that I identify the most with the jews in the desert. For, the first time I can understand a bit why the yidden wanted to keep going back to mitzrayim. For nearly 20 years I could not understand how they could possibly want such a thing after seeing all of the miracles and everything. Being an addict in recovery has given me a new perspective on the whole pesach story as well as many other aspects of yiddishkeit. IT certainly brings home the whole kedusha/tumah thing). So I feel more like the day in day out guy and less like the marathonist nearing the finishline. Probably because this is not the finish line.
That is not to say that the mashul doesn't apply, I find it really does match well for the one DAY at a time thing. The day starts off, ready for action. Then the day goes on... one incident after another, surrender one, surrender 2, etc... How am I every going to get through this. Then before you know it, your falling asleep in bed thanking Hashem and pumped for tomorrow. (basic idea, can't say every day is like this
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
)
The beginning for me was like a newborn baby (b'H have a nephew who was born a couple of weeks before I hit bottom, so I had a great role model for me in terms of total, helpless, and powerless surrender and need for Him to help me). For example, (I don't remember if I shared this already, but it's worth reading again) my brother and sister in law came over for shabbos. we were sitting in the living room shmoozing, and we heard the little fellow downstairs start crying. My sister in law turns calmly to my brother and says something like we will go bring him up after he cries for 5-15 min, (so he learns to self-sooth, or something like that). I was just like WOW. That's me! I am like that baby, I think everything is terrible, In a dark room, by myself and when I cry out no one answers me. Little do I know that the One(s) who love me most are right there taking care of me in ways that I cannot understand right now at all.
After about 30 days, I felt more like a young child holding his fathers hand (I think that I had a measure of growth here and Hashem was taking it to the next level) One particular example I thought about a bit during this stage was that He is running the show and I am his kid. What can a kid really do? The parent loves the child and the child loves the parent (obviously not the same level). Like when a father takes out his tool box and goes to hammer in some nails, his little son runs over excited takes out his toy tool set and starts hammering in whatever he can find. It's adorable. The child is doing his best and his father loves him even more. When I surrender to Hashem, I say that I have no idea how I am going to get through this, but I'll just do my part (guarding my eyes and surrendering lust) and I trust that you will get me though it. Now I feel like the training wheels are off. Though it is a tricky gambit if they really are and I am ready for the next stage or if it is just the yetzer harah telling me that I am good and can do it on my own, which is a LIE!
Whew, that was a long stream of consciousness. A bunch of ideas I have been mulling over that fit (somewhat
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
with
a big, NAY! an enormous stretch of the imagination.
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
) your vort.
Thank you GYE for giving me life and the oppourtunity to reach my potential. It is not a trivial thing and I hope everyone here knows the truth of that.
One day at a time, fellows! and keep the trucking up!!