I haven't posted in a long time. I don't want to waste anyone's time with a long one. But in 6 days I will have been on this website for 1 year and 4 months. Around 3/4 of that time I've been clean, with a maximum recently of 60 days in a row. But I still haven't "shaken" this, and perhaps I never will completely, but my aim is obviously to spend every single day of the rest of my life not acting out. I am surprised that I'm not "cured" already, but it's been years of inflicting this damage on myself so it makes sense that it's going to take me some considerable time back the other way. 

I don't think I'm addicted to porn, rather I'm addicted to the habit of using porn for escapism. To make matters worse I've been in a long term relationship (perhaps not the most orthodox, in both senses of the word, thing but it is what it is) for the whole time and that has meant I've been struggling with remaining shomer negia as well. This adds a component because the guilt accompanying a failure with being shomer negia leads to my desire to escape and reverting to porn. Which further worries me because I intend to marry this girl and I cannot bear to imagine that our married life will entail pornography and masturbation, but I'm definitely habitualising myself for this. 

I've started two blog threads in the past both very over confident, both document failed attempts to do the 90 days in one go. I start this one to separate myself from that persona, I'm humbled by my failures, doubtful of a clear direction forward, uncertain about the future, but still determined to keep on going. 

I suppose more than anything I'm looking for the permanent change of mindset that will leave all of this in the past.

I don't know how much I'll post on this thread, but I'm on my way to 90 days, still, after all of this time. And I'd like to think that finally I have a thread I can come back to whenever and post in honesty. At the moment I just want to get there, and that's about it  

Oh also if anyone is up for chatting/ messenger/ phones/ calls every now and then who's reading this lmk

Welcome back.
Nice to be honest.
What is your plan this time around?

B'hatzlachah

Hatzlacha!

Keep falling stuck in a bit of a rut. But I keep learning things about myself which is good, and I will continue to keep going.

My plan is to keep trying. And to have a crack at the 12 step program. Maybe go to a meeting. What do people think about going to meetings?

Who you asking? Dov, Cordnoy, Yesod, Watson, on the success story  list in the "Free Towing" page, that all go to meetings?

Hey Bigmoish started too!

Hurry before the last seat is taken!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

lol thank you

so since i last posted a lot has happened. 
I started to speak to my closest friends about this (both frum and not frum), and that ability to be honest and open in and of itself has been very rewarding, to an extent it's helped me leave my ego aside a little bit and be prepared to risk my "image" of being some squeakly clean frum guy to being more honest open and genuine. On a personal level this has done me the world of good, but it also opened up several opportunities. For instance, before going to a 12-step meeting I thought I'd do a live conference, no longer scared of honesty in this issue, long story short I ended up speaking to Dov who not only is a real person, but gives some very high quality advice. One part of which was to go to a therapist, which I just did now. In total my current position is not that I'm a super addict who needs massive help, but rather I'm a normal guy struggling with the exact same problems everyone else struggles with, further that a big problem is to obsess over myself, and my "issue", rather than looking to expand my life, and give to others. Too much selfishness. 
All in all the therapist gave me some reading material and practical advice going forward. And the whole process triggered off a large amount of research into the "ACTUAL" halachot here. And for me that was perhaps the most surprising. Yes, masturbation and pornography are vadai assur, no the prohibition is not found in the Torah and probably has the status of a Derebanan Issur. No it's not the worst aveirah in the world, yes it's definitely very much against the Torah, but if you compare the respective evaluations of masturbation with Lashon Hara, lashon Hara comes up much worse, and yet where's the website dedicated to 90 days clean of Lashon Hara (seriously if that exists please tell me). Equally the stuff said about talking during shul etc. Certainly there are many acharonishe teshuvas which are very realistic about the issue (see the Stiepler etc). None of this is a Heter, but it's healthy psychologically for me to be able to see myself more realistically, not as some all out gehenom bound avaryan for whom there is no point of doing Torah and mitzvot, and knowing that I could not be further from Hashem. Contextualising the Aveirah has perhaps motivated me more to stop than anything else. And that's also a point, the assumption that Avodas Hashem is stopping, if I make it one more day without touching myself that's a day spent osek in avodas Hashem I just think is so narrow, the demands are so much greater, so much less about me!
Anyway little self-directed rant over. I should clarify that I'm only writing from my perspective, the range of challenges people face on this group require different responses some people clearly are facing an all out addiction and the 12 steps etc are what they need, but I feel up until now my efforts have been misdirected, and I feel much more confident and equipped to face the future than I was a year ago! Bn will post my progress as I go on